Shey Hey

Bye, Everybody?

2012-01-03T09:44:00.002-05:00

Full Respect to Uncle TNUC

2011-11-18T03:00:00.000-05:00

There are a lot of blogs/tumblrs that sort through pop culture's detritus. This is one of the iller ones. Worth going through a few pages to peep all the sweet gems.
http://uncletnuc.blogspot.com/

It's not a clock but you'll always know what time it is.

Encourage words for men like me. And could that bear/wolf be any more down?

"Sounds like my house, heyyyyyyyyyyy!"
-Ray Romano/Kevin James/Jim Belushi/Tim Allen/Tony Danza

Imagine being so in tune with nature that everytime you got that familiar itch in your throat a hawk or some ill bird would come swooping down to quench your unholy thirst.

Attacking TJ Simers of the LA Times for Attacking Major League Soccer and David Beckham

2011-11-16T14:03:00.000-05:00

as posted on majorleaguesoccertalk.com

In the waning days of print media, an old, enfeebled sports columnist for a major metropolitan daily shakes his fist limply at soccer to remind readers exactly why they left newspapers behind in the first place.

The Los Angeles Times is the fifth highest-circulating daily in the country and fading fast. Take a look at their roster of sports columnists. You’ll see that there are not many of them. Their average age makes Sir Alex Ferguson look cherubic. And they are just as bland as their dot-matrix portraits.

The paper once had a dedicated and great soccer writer, Grahame L. Jones, but he retired. The hole left by his departure has been filled with days-and-weeks old game recaps. At latimes.com, under the sports heading, readers can choose from the following sub-topics, “Dodgers, Angels, NFL, Ducks/Kings, USC, UCLA, College Football, Preps, Scores/Stats.” Good luck finding their soccer coverage.

Into this void stepped T.J. Simers, 61, who penned an asinine assault on David Beckham and soccer at large. Titled, “You name it, the Galaxy's $250-million man hasn't been worth it: It's five years later, and soccer still is nothing but an afterthought in Los Angeles,” it ran on Tuesday.

In his lede he harps on the dollar value of Beckham’s contract, as if Beckham were paid with taxpayer money. Why aren’t other hobbies cursed with the small-minded and pathetic obsession over how much stars earn? Do people care how much Drake makes, or Nic Cage’s per-movie gross, or what NBC pays for Saturday Night Live’s Kenan Thompson? Of course not, they just want to tip their cups to “I’m On One,” mock-plead “Not the bees!” and get rid of SNL’s dead weight. Sensible adults know that celebrities, athletes included, make their huge sums because of us, the fans and not from pilfering from the public purse or from putting a gun to anyone’s head. If we didn’t go to the concerts, if we didn’t watch the movies, if we didn’t go to the games, and if we didn’t spend $80 for uncomfortable ad-laden stretchy-fabric replica shirts then the stars of stage, screen and stadia would be clipping coupons.

So Simers thinks Beckham’s salary is a sin. And Victoria Beckham is “…the well-known wife who looks like she has to live in a posh palace to be happy.” Nevermind this point’s lack of relevance for any self-respecting sports fan, Simers’ deep insight is that the rich enjoy being rich. Maybe Victoria Beckham should drag the stone of shame up and down Rodeo Drive to please Simers.

Like most lonely people, Simers equates his personal experience with universal experience. Beckham did not speak with Simers, thus Beckham spoke to no one. And because Simers doesn’t watch soccer, well, then no one watches soccer.

It’s hard to analyze the rest of his column, because it descends into the incoherency common to megalomaniacs, as when he revealingly writes, “I replied [to Tim Leiweke, of the L.A. Galaxy ownership group] that I would take an interest as soon as Becks became available for a sit-down interview.”

Why should anyone having anything to do with the beautiful game, or any game for that matter, talk to a supposed professional who writes such unprofessional and ignorant drivel like, “Best record [the Galaxy’s regular season performance over the past few years] in L.A. for what? Being the team that no one cares about? If so, that would tie them with the Kings,” and cribbed Jay Leno gags like, “Did you know there's going to be an arrival celebration for the MLS Trophy Cup, with the Cup getting a police escort? You can just imagine how proud a cop will be to tell his wife: ‘Honey, I put my life on the line today for a paperweight.’"

Is it worth listing the leaps and bounds that soccer has made in this country in just 16 MLS seasons? Is it worth pointing out that the L.A. Galaxy averaged more than 23,000 a game this season, almost 2/3rds that of the Dodgers (at a much higher base ticket price to boot)? Is it worth telling Simers that NBC will broadcast MLS games next season? Is it worth having a pint with Simers on an early weekend morning standing cheek-by-jowl in the Ye Olde King’s Head in Santa Monica for a slate of games? Is it worth inviting Simers for a drive on a sunny southern California Saturday afternoon to point out all the barren baseball diamonds next to the soccer pitches teeming with players young and old?

No, it’s not worth it. T.J. Simers is a cheap instigator. He accomplished his goal. He got more than 100 comments for his nonsense and thousands more hits. But any attention he received for his paper only served to remind readers why they stopped reading it in the first place. As recently as 2000, the L.A. Times had a circulation of one million, now it tenuously sits at a little more than half that.

The internet is the commonly blamed culprit for the death of newspapers. But newspapers have mainly themselves to blame. Just because no one is buying the physical paper every day doesn’t mean they aren’t reading the news, judging by the popularity of news aggregator sites like yahoo. Unfortunately, newspapers were slow to establish decent web presences. And even today, many papers have poorly designed sites that merely replicate the limited Associated Press content of their physical editions.

Content was king and will always be king. People who want interesting sports coverage visit sites and blogs like deadspin, theoffsiderules, every day should be saturday, soccer by ives, baseball prospectus, sports by brooks, and the epl talk family of sites just to name a few. People who want celebrity gossip or pop culture news visit sites like film drunk, the superficial or tmz. Many of the most popular sites are coarser than what existed before this century and there is no doubt that hard news coverage has suffered immensely because of lesser resources. But sports and entertainment newspaper content never kept pace.

Open the L.A. Times sports section today and you’ll find a meager five-page section filled with stale game recaps, staler box scores and one or two opinion columns from their roster of has-been reactionaries. Of those meager five pages, one or two will be devoted to high school sports, this, in the country’s second biggest city and in a city filled with transplants. The main page may have a color picture, the rest will be black and white and have the same milquetoast graphic design as twenty years ago. And the paper remains a broadsheet, making it a chore to read outside in a city where it is 70 and balmy in January.

And with all that, they wonder where all the readers went while wasting what little sports content they offer spitting in your face for daring to enjoy soccer.

"I'm Calling it Shea" Corporate Stadium Naming Rights Trend Invades the Premier League

2011-11-15T17:40:00.000-05:00

My latest for epltalk. Newcastle's St. James' Park is being renamed Sports Direct Arena. But the companies don't pay us anything to call a stadium what they want. We're under no obligation to keep track of mergers and acquisitions to find out what the new name of a stadium is every year. How many names has the S.F. Giants' ballpark had? Anyone know which cities the American Airlines Arena and the American Airlines Arena are in? Isn't easier if we just refer to new stadiums as "(team name's) stadium" and old stadiums by their old names?

"I'm calling it Shea" t-shirts available at the excellent nomas.com

My David Silva Photoshop in the Guardian

2011-11-15T02:59:00.000-05:00

As featured in this Guardian gallery.
David Silva is killing it for Man City, who recently eviscerated Man United 6-1. In response, Sir Alex has pulled Wayne Rooney back into the midfield. And Rooney's not above advanced hair surgery techniques.

"Bitch, you without me is like Harold Melvin without the Blue Notes, you'll never go platinum" Snoop Dogg, Doggy Dogg World Intro

2011-11-11T13:18:00.000-05:00

Rick Ross (baws) can boast all he wants, clearly, Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes are the Boss of all Bosses, er, Bosses of all Bossessess. Also, the hardest looking law firm of all time. Also, Teddy Pendergrass is still clearly glaring at the Mza. Also, the babyfaced dude with the bow tie is the odd man out. Also, Harold Melvin aka Eddie Murray.

Transsexual Member of European Parliament

2011-11-09T14:49:00.000-05:00

he/she needs to sue his/her doctor

ill crispy vintage pictures of Jim Jones and Tupac hanging with Shock G.

2011-11-08T14:32:00.001-05:00

Jones channeling R. Kelly's plaintive cry "braid my hair...."

pre-tattoos

Uncle Luke Campbell of 2 Live Crew Threatens to Revoke Lil Wayne's M.I.A.M.I. card; also Steve Serby on Pats-Giants

2011-11-07T13:22:00.000-05:00

Luke Campbell, still pulling the strings in the M.I.A. Don't forget, in the video for "I'm On One," Lil Wayne, Drake, Rick Ross (Baws) and DJ Khaled are chilling in an empty loft in downtown Miami., drinking out of red dixie cups overlooking Biscayne Bay on an overcast day. Was Weez making a statement on the state of the greater-Miami area economy? Pick up the latest issue of Hip-Hop magazine to find out.
Also, is a Tupac sex tape scandalous if he's dead?
------
Steve 'SerbyBot 3000" Serby on yesterday's Giants win over the Pats.
SuperMann in Glendale, Ariz.,, SuperMann in Foxborough, Mass.

The advanced software of SerbyBot is set to cut and paste the above sentence next week should the Jets beat the Pats as well. "Last week, SuperMann in Foxborough, today, Mark can be SuperSan in East Rutherford."

Mo Classic Album Covers from Ye Olde Record Shop. Yo.

2011-11-04T02:06:00.000-04:00

If shit like this hung in the MoMA I would go. Well, not for $25 but I'd at least ponder the notion.

Simpson looks less like she's in love and more like she's been captured. But hard to not be enraptured by Ashford's Lion eyes.

No jokes, that's just good looking art

Pssst, I think he's looking at you. And by you, I mean the MZA.

Fucking asshole. Even Mad Magazine wouldn't run that pun.

Kenny Rogers....or Bob Seger? Jeezo-Peezo, they're all laughing because they banged that chick before the show. Except the guitar player. He's looking at Kenny like, "What's so funny?"

Kenny Loggins' much cooler, much more mellow brother. Rocking the canadian tuxedo AND a ribbed turtleneck AND a middle-part perm AND he's still like, "Whatever you wanna do, man, it's cool."

that is a lineup.

No more Daylight Savings Time in England Could Make Soccer Watching Much Worse in America

2011-11-03T13:26:00.000-04:00

New post up at EPL Talk. Stupid daylight savings time.

Vintage Handball and Ping Pong Books

2011-11-01T23:11:00.000-04:00

Further proof of the Mza's all-time axiom, things weren't better back in the day, except for back in our day. Peep these champs. Remember the brouhaha over Tom Brady's supposed effeminate hair? These men brushed their hair, conditioned their hair, oiled their hair, teased their hair, permed their hair, fucking luxuriated in their hair, then went out, played some handball, slapped each other's butts, slammed 12-14 Budweisers then dipped their balls in gruyere fondue before driving home. Drunk.

I feel like I was the G in blue in a past life. Such form. You know he just hit a killer.

Dr. Who pinging that pong. Such supreme concentration.

Good Gawd! Did anybody ever do these drills?

Quick World Series Beard-Off, Now!

2011-10-28T03:19:00.000-04:00

I was just going to post closeups of all the ill beards in this World Series but then I got a lil brazy. And if players are gonna keep it au currant with fashionable beards that would blend right in on Bedford Ave, why aren't they going back to 80's skinny baseball pants?

old man gray beard

dirty sexy crazy love 'stache

coming up small gettin overpaid by the yanks beard

ill chin strap beard

ace beard

Shook Santa Claus Beard

Boring Beard

Manager: [ stepping forward] Governor, I'm Kevin O'Brien, the manager, and I just want to thank you for dropping by - again. Bill Clinton: Well, thank you, Kevin. You've got a real American family place here. Is it too late for an Egg McMuffin? Manager: Well, we stop serving breakfast at eleven.. but for you.. Bill Clinton: Thanks so much. Manager: And should I check to see if I can scare up some of those sausage patties. Bill Clinton: You read my mind!

2011-10-27T05:07:00.000-04:00

Clinton at McDonald's

Bill Clinton.....Phil Hartman
Secret Service Agent #1.....Kevin Nealon
Cashier.....Melanie Hutsell
Female Customer.....Ellen Cleghorne
Les Holmgren.....Chris Farley
Manager.....Tom Arnold
College Student.....Julia Sweeney
Male Customer.....Rob Schneider

[ President-Elect Bill Clinton and two Secret Service agents jog into a D.C. McDonald's ]

Bill Clinton: Alright, boys, let's stop here for a second. I'm a little parched from the fog.

Secret Service Agent #1: Sir, we've only been jogging for three blocks. Besides, Mrs. Clinton asked us not to let you in any more fast food places.

Bill Clinton: I just want to mingle with the American people, talk with some real folks.. and maybe get a Diet Coke, or something..

Secret Service Agent #1: Fine. But please don't tell Mrs. Clinton.

Bill Clinton: Jim, let me tell you something - there's gonna be a lot of things we don't tell Mrs. Clinton about. Fast food is the least of our worries.

Cashier: Oh, my God! It's Bill Clinton!

Bill Clinton: Hey, nice to meet you! How are you? [ walks up to a young mother ] That's an adorable baby. What's your name, sweetheart?

Female Customer: [ holding baby ] Her name is Shakira.

Bill Clinton: Now, that means "African Princess", doesn't it?

Female Customer: Why, yes!

Bill Clinton: Well, she certainly is beautiful enough to be a princess. Are you gonna finish those fries?

Female Customer: Uh.. no. Would you like some?

Bill Clinton: Well, if you're not gonna eat 'em.. [ grabs the fries and eats ] ..Mmm, these are good. Shakira, you take good care of your mom now.. [ moves on ] Hi, how are you? Good to meet ya! How we doing over here?

Les Holmgren: Les Holmgren. Holmgren Hardware. Voted for you, sir.

Bill Clinton: Thank you, Les. So you own your own hardware store?

Les Holmgren: Yes indeed, sir. Since 1972.

Bill Clinton: Well, good for you. You know, we want to create a network of community development banks that lend to small businesses like yourself. I see your boy doesn't like pickles.

Les Holmgren: Nah, he hates them!

Bill Clinton: You mind? [ grabs the pickles ] Attaboy! So, good luck to you. We're gonna wake up everyday thinking about you. Oops! Missed one. [ grabs remaining pickle ]

Manager: [ stepping forward] Governor, I'm Kevin O'Brien, the manager, and I just want to thank you for dropping by - again.

Bill Clinton: Well, thank you, Kevin. You've got a real American family place here. Is it too late for an Egg McMuffin?

Manager: Well, we stop serving breakfast at eleven.. but for you..

Bill Clinton: Thanks so much.

Manager: And should I check to see if I can scare up some of those sausage patties.

Bill Clinton: You read my mind!

Secret Service Agent #1: [ whispering ] Uh, sir.. maybe you'd prefer a McLean burger.. or the garden salad is very nice.

College Student: Governor Clinton? I'm a sophomore in college, and I may have to drop out because my parents can't afford tuition.

Bill Clinton: [ glancing at her tray ] Speak of the devil, that's one of those McLean sandwiches. Are those any good?

College Student: Would you like to try it?

Bill Clinton: Well, just a bite.. [ takes a huge chomp ] Mmm.. that's not bad! You know, my National Service Trust Fund would allow every student to.. [ grabs her soda ] ..mind if I wash it down? [ takes a sip ] Ahh! That hit the spot!

Manager: [ returning ] Your Egg McMuffin, Mr. President.

Bill Clinton: Thank you, Kevin. You have any of that sweet and sour sauce. You know, the kind that you dip McNuggets in?

Manager: For your McMuffin?

Bill Clinton: Or the barbecue sauce. Whichever.

Male Customer: You can use mine.

Bill Clinton: Great. Just pour in right on.

Male Customer: [ pours the sauce on ] I have a question.

Bill Clinton: That's it. Just pour it all on!

Male Customer: Do you support the decision to send troops to Somalia?

Bill Clinton: [ chews his McMuffin ] Mmm.. that's a good question. Yes, I do.. and let me tell you why. See, right now, we're sending in.. [ holds us McMuffin ] ..food.. [ puts McMuffin in front of Male Customer ] ..to Somalia.. but it's not getting to the people who need it because.. [ brings McMuffin back to himself ] ..it's being intercepted by the warlords.. [ chews McMuffin some more ] And it's not just us. It's other countries, too.. [ grabs a McNugget from another customer ] Your McNugget is aid from Great Britain.. [ takes it to other customer, then gibbles it down ] ..intercepted by warlords! [ grabs someone's Filet-o-Fish ] This man's Filet-o-Fish over here is relief from Italy.. [ pops it in his mouth ] ..warlords! And you can send all the food you want.. [ grabs different items ] ..a McDLT, hot apple pie.. it's just gonna end up with.. [ puts it all in his mouth ] ..the warlords! Now, with a broad-based international military force, we can make sure that the McRib sandwich.. [ grabs one and places it on someone's tray ] ..gets to the people who need it. [ picks it up and gobbles it anyway ] Can I get a Coke?

Secret Service Agent #1: Uh, sir.. I think we should probably continue your jog. We've only gone about an eighth of a mile.

Bill Clinton: Alright. You guys up for a real run?

Secret Service Agent #1: Yes, sir.

Bill Clinton: Race you to Pizza Hut!

[ Clinton runs out of the McDonald's, as the Secret Service agents follow right behind him ]

Adrian Beltre Game 5 Homer aka Somewhere in those Three and a Half Hours is a Great Two Hour Baseball Game

2011-10-26T05:03:00.000-04:00

Suck for Luck Bowl

2011-10-20T16:51:00.000-04:00

The Dolphins and Colts could each easily reach 0-16, leading to the inevitable conclusion of Roger Goodell, sitting somewhere in the Hamptons flipping a coin with Jim Irsay's mug on both sides. Just like how the Spurs landed Tim "Big Fundamentals" Duncan in the one year The Admiral sat out.

More fun idea, the Dolphs and Colts play a 17th game of the season for the first draft pick, maybe in Palo Alto with Andrew Luck nervously stroking his beard from a luxury box filled with concord grapes and ipads. Dolphs part-owner Marc Antony can do the halftime show on mute. If the Colts win, Peyton Manning can go to the Raiders to replace Carson Palmer, who in turn can return to what he does best; namely drinking lite beers and trolling the L.A. Coliseum parking lot for USC froshes (born in 1993 b-t-dubbs).

It would do quintuple the ratings of the World Series.

Why Watch the World Series?

2011-10-19T18:29:00.000-04:00

Is a sport still major if no one watches it?

Why Ratings are Relevant:

Ratings for the just-concluded ALCS (4.4) and NLCS (2.9) were abysmal. Sunday's dreary Vikings-Bears match-up on Sunday Night Football drew a 6.6. The pre-game drew a 5.3. Forget football, the NBA Eastern Conference Final this past Spring between the Heat and the Bulls averaged a 6.2 The ALCS and NLCS numbers are even behind the Stanley Cup Finals. The numbers are trending down toward MLS Cup levels.

It's not about small-market versus big-market. After all, last year's World Series between the fifth-largest market, Dallas, and the sixth-largest market, San Francisco, tied for the lowest rated Series ever.

Now, in our modern sports culture, plenty of people absorb and follow sports without ever watching a minute of actual game action, which speaks to just how sick a hobby following sports is. (Imagine meeting a metalhead who says "Me? Oh no, I don't pump Maiden, I just read Metal Circus." or a cinephile who says, "Oh, I never go to the movies but I play box office fantasy and read Entertainment Weekly and Sight and Sound.") But tv ratings are important because it means the vast majority of people do not want to see baseball actually being played. And while I don't suggest that baseball will disappear, it can continue to become more irrelevant in this country.

How much less fun would baseball be to follow without being able to share it with our fellow fans? How many of us are planning to get together to watch the World Series together? Compare that amount with the throngs filling the bars on Saturdays and Sundays (including those arising very early on those mornings to watch soccer). And if fewer people watch will fewer people in this country play? Where would the game be today without the 30% of players that come from abroad?

High Attendance is a False Sign of Life:

Major League Baseball argues, through attendance figures, that the sport's never been healthier.

Attendance is a terrible way to track baseball's health. People will always want to sit outside on a sunny day to inhale hot dogs and guzzle beers. The very existence of the minor leagues is a testament to the appeal of getting drunk under the sun. No one filling the Brooklyn Cyclones' ballpark is there for the baseball, well, except for the solo Bellevue escapees with yellow AM/FM walkmen, enormous 1980s eyeglasses, and greasy WFAN giveaway sweatshirts. All the new ballparks, for all their talk of optimum viewing angles are really designed to maximize our consumption while limiting our viewing of the game. "Listen, I'm gonna go grab some garlic fries, a donutburger, I'll be back in five innings." Fuck you, Feed Me.

Think of the way bars have evolved. When I was coming up in the booze game there were many old-man bars. Dark places where you could while away the daylight in boozy silence. Now, every bar has to have amusements, shuffleboard, fusball, trivia, beer pong for chrissakes. Even the old-man bars now have to have flatscreen tvs wallpapering the joint. You can't look deeply into the bottom of your pint without being distracted by the roast highlights on the eigth showing of SportsCenter. Shea was beautiful because there was little to do but watch the game. That era has passed, and it's largely for the sport's betterment because teams would be bankrupt if, like football, it had to rely on tv money.

TV money is king, and without decent tv numbers we can genuinely be concerned about the long term health of the big leagues. Look at college sports, where perfectly healthy basketball leagues like the ACC and the Big East are being dominated by their football teams because despite the crappiness of the football in those two conferences, the football money dwarfs the basketball bucks.

The Playoffs Insult Common Sense and Two Solutions:

So why watch this year's World Series on TV? There are two compelling reasons not to, one is the game's length the other is the format. A lot of attention in recent years has been on the late start time, so baseball moved first pitch up to 8:05. It doesn't matter when it starts, it matters when it ends. A friend of mine has a great quote, "basketball is about tempo while baseball is about tension." But there needs to be a baseline rhythm to the game, a rhythm that is sorely lacking in today's game. The biggest difference between watching a game today and one from 20 or 30 years ago is the stepping-out-of-the-box after every pitch.

This is easily solved by limiting the pitcher to one time off the rubber during an at-bat and limiting the batter to one time-out during an at-bat. Or leaving the matter entirely up to the umpire who would only be allowed to grant the batter a time-out after a brushback or near-beaning. This one rule change could shave 30-40 minutes from the game without changing how the game is played. This rule change will never happen, however, because it is to the owners' advantage to have long games because it means more time for the home fans to eat hot dogs. Short cheese, it's always the short cheese over long.

The second problem is the postseason format. Baseball, for decades, had the most meritorious postseason format. Win your league, and advance directly to the World Series. Then in 1969 we got a League Championship Series and divisional play in 1995.

The small divisions mean most fans don't follow teams in other divisions which means come playoff-time few teams have national followings. Moreover, the structure is fundamentally unfair in that an AL West team must only beat out three teams for a playoff spot while an AL Central team must beat out five. Worst of all, in many seasons, a non-playoff team finishes with a better record than a playoff team which happens to win a weak division.

2008 is one example of many, the Mets, Marlins, Astros and Cardinals all finished with records as good or better than the N.L. West Champion L.A. Dodgers. Toronto would be a contender in almost any other division or in a bigger division format that awarded playoff berths on wins. Baseball once rewarded teams based on wins, now it rewards them based on geography.

So if the postseason is not a meritocracy baseball may as well make arbitrary changes to force excitement. Changing every series to 5-on-5 would reward flukier teams (so what? The wild-card Cards, who finished six games behind the Rangers were rewarded with home-field) but it would make each game super-tense and would greatly increase the chance of a do-or-die Game 5.

The two most popular postseason tournaments in American sports are the NFL playoffs and March Madness, which are both single-elimination. The last World Series Game 7 was in 2002. Baseball can't afford to have long gaps between Game 7s. Look at how Horse Racing has suffered in its Triple Crown drought. Plus, making each round best-of-5 could help competitive imbalance by making it easier for cheaper teams to compete. Teams like the Yankees and Red Sox have extraordinary depth. But in a best-of-5 system, teams could get by with less.

Would it mean that the best team would not advance? Without a doubt, but that's the system we have now anyway.

Are these ideas extreme? I don't think so. But in an era of ratings that approach hockey levels, the status quo is simply not good enough.

Morning Cup of O.J.

2011-10-04T12:26:00.002-04:00

Manchester United's David de Gea-----Donut Thief!

2011-09-30T19:41:00.000-04:00

Weird story, up at EPL Talk.

That Certain Henchman Look: Tony Hawk and the ill German (Russian) Henchman from Die Hard Alexander Godunov

2011-09-30T01:35:00.000-04:00

Tony Hawk (brah), with that Robocop-esque forehead, the glazed blonde hair fluffing out in the back. Looks like that type-ill Henchman from "Die Hard."
Alexander Godunov who had that "look." Stole the show in Die Hard, and was in "The Money Pit," which is Peter Griffin's famous and righteous response to his family's harping on him for hating on "The Godfather." Godunov passed before his time in 1995. A blonde-beefy showdown with Dolph Lundgren will sadly never happen. His epitaph reportedly reads, "His future remained in the past." What does it mean?? A fan of Gatsby perhaps.

sandra bullock?

It's Not Just Football...

2011-09-28T19:59:00.000-04:00

"How many times do I have to tell you, IT'S NOT JUST FOOTBALL!! Now would you please get outta my room. I already told you I sent my resume to Uncle Frank last week, GOSH!"

Carlos Tevez Image for EPL Talk

2011-09-28T02:50:00.000-04:00

And yes, that is a hair in the scanner and not artistic flourish.

Finn McCool's Irish Breakfast Sandwich at the Santa Monica Farmer's Market

2011-09-27T02:30:00.000-04:00

On Saturday night I went to go see UFO. Took the bus down Santa Monica from the Strip only to be greeted by the sad sight of my local Taco Bell/Pizza Hut, closed as Prodigy's heart.

I made up for it the next morning with this monstrosity, the 'Irish Breakfast Sandwich' slanged by local pub Finn McCool's at the Santa Monica Sunday morning farmer's market.

That's right. Scrambled eggs, crispy bacon, thick sausage, crispy potatoes, all slathered in HP Brown Sauce. Apologies to the Miz for not hitting this up when you were in town a few months ago.

Why Cook? Why Drive? Why do anything????????????

2011-09-23T01:53:00.000-04:00

And then they taunt you with that dine-in deal.

Michael Owen Reminisce for EPL Talk

2011-09-21T18:11:00.000-04:00

I go dumbdumb-Grantland personal memoir style for this one.

What Price, Victory?

2011-09-18T20:51:00.002-04:00

"It's a great day in Syracuse... It's a great day for New York."

-Nancy Cantor, Syracuse Chancellor

That sound you didn't hear was the collective shoulder shrug from New York. Sensing the consolidation of college football into a four-conference "Super 64" (brought to you by Nintendo, what a marketing opportunity! I'm too young to make a Commodore joke), Pittsburgh and Syracuse, former bulwarks of the Big East conference jumped ship south of the Mason-Dixon line to the greener (?) pastures of the ACC. The Orange and the Panthers, powerhouses in Big East hoops and also-rans (former) and quasi-contenders (latter) on the gridiron, will join Boston College, Virginia Tech and the U (we don't need to go there) as Big East defectors to the ACC, swelling the league to a robust fourteen (and growing) football programs.

Remember the hubbub about the ACC's pursuit of twelve teams for a conference championship game? You also remember the swaths of empty seats in Tampa every year for the epic VT-BC clashes? What "intrigue" will two middling programs (despite the decent NFL talent Pitt provides) add to a conference where football always played second fiddle to basketball?

Syracuse and Pitt have been perennial flag-bearers for Big East hoops, along with UConn and Louisville at the first tier. Now, they will fight for the scraps Duke and UNC leave from their throne on tobacco road. They can kiss whatever exposure they had at New York City from games at Madison Square Garden (from Johnnies games and the Big East tournament) goodbye, and apparently will be treated as "bridge(s to) the geographic gap between Boston College and the rest of the conference." I'm not sure the Carrier Dome will be packed for tilts with Wake Forest and NC State.

So when the gerrymandering and posturing is done, college football will have its 64 teams lined up neatly in four conferences, setting up championship games and de facto playoffs. Somehow, college basketball will get taken along for the ride, as the Big East will shrink (almost poetically) back into a band of Catholic schools (a reminder how ridiculous it is BC left to play games in the sunny and Protestant Bible Belt, I wish the Vatican would send them a reprimand) while the ACC becomes an unwieldly blob dominated by the states of Florida and North Carolina somehow trying to get eyeballs in the Northeast.

I'd be remiss not mentioning the odd relocation of TCU to the Big East, along with the possibility of Big XII leftovers Baylor, Iowa State and even Kansas (which would certainly boost the conference's basketball resume). The Big East, like the ACC, is also guilty of betraying their regional boundaries by already having outposts in Wisconsin (Marquette) and Illinois (DePaul). The unsavory world of tenuous conference affiliation made me think of a few questions.

The BCS can have its Super 64, but why do those member conferences also dictate basketball alignment? Why not let schools have multiple memberships? What have Kansas, Kentucky or Duke done to claim membership to BCS AQ conferences? Hell I can include UNC, whose only contribution to football the last 30 years has been LT. Why does the SEC outside of Kentucky bother to play hoops? The 64 best football programs (including Boise State and TCU) in America should play for BCS glory; the major hoops conferences should include teams that take basketball seriously. The four conference structure in a Super 64 would preserve regional rivalries pretty well, though schedules would still be diluted by the larger sizes.

This way Big East can remain the Northeast's hub for hoops (BC, Pitt, Syracuse restored, trim the fat west of Pitt) without being compromised by football poachings from the ACC. Kentucky and Kansas could form pretty nice conference of their own along with other decent programs in the middle of the country. This won't happen, and the only solace I can take from this debacle will be the possible swiping of FSU by the SEC, rendering the ACC to a football conference of VT on top of a pile of crap, including the U, for a long time.

15 Years Since Tupac's Supposed "Death;" L.A. Weekly Answers the Important Questions like What Would Tupac Eat? (W.W.T.E.)

2011-09-14T14:09:00.000-04:00

L.A. Weekly (Village Voice's superior west coast cuzin) gets first-hand accounts from Shock G and Steele on what Tupac liked to eat.

And no reminisce on the One True Fallen G is complete without Ego Trip's classic 12 Pieces of Proof:

1. Photographs were never released of 2Pac in the hospital in Las Vegas after the reported “shooting.”
2. Despite a plethora of lyrics in which he rhymes about being “buried” upon his demise, 2Pac’s body was allegedly “cremated” the day after his “death.” Funeral services were canceled in both Los Angeles and Atlanta, and there was no viewing of his body.
3. In the video for the song, “I Ain’t Mad At Cha” (Death Row, 1996), released shortly after his “death,” 2Pac is presciently portrayed as an angel in heaven, thus suggesting that when he created the video he had already planned to stage his own “demise.”
4. For Don Killuminati: The 7 Day Theory (Death Row, 1996), released two months after his “death,” 2Pac adopted the alias Makaveli in homage to Niccolo Machiavelli, the late-15th century/early-16th century Italian political philosopher. Machiavelli’s treatise, The Prince, advocates the faking of one’s own death as a means of combating one’s enemies.
5. The title, The 7 Day Theory, reflects the chronology of ’Pac’s staged “death.” 2Pac was “shot” on September 7, and survived on the 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th, 11th, 12th, and “died” on the 13th.
6. At the conclusion of The 7 Day Theory, 2Pac is shot dead, also foreshadowing his own real-life “assassination.”
7. In the video for “To Live & Die In L.A.” (Death Row, 1996), 2Pac is wearing the newest edition of the Nike Air Jordans. However, the shoes were not released by Nike until November—two months after his “death” in September. Also, in the video for “Toss It Up” (Death Row, 1996), 2Pac sports a pair of Penny Hardaway sneakers which were also not available until after the time of his “death.”
8. In the photograph for the ad promoting Fatal’s In The Line Of Fire (Relativity, 1998), Fatal and 2Pac are seen hugging in an unspecified location that resembles an exotic locale (perhaps Cuba), thus supporting the theory that 2Pac is in exile.
9. On 2Pac’s Greatest Hits (Death Row, 1998), ’Pac states, “Rest in peace to my nigga, Biggie Smalls,” at the opening of “God Bless The Dead.” 2Pac, however, was supposedly “murdered” six months before The Notorious B.I.G.’s death.
10. Bay Area rapper Richie Rich’s Seasoned Veteran (Def Jam, 1996), was released on the same day as The 7 Day Theory. On the 2Pac duet, “Niggas Done Changed,” 2Pac rhymes, “I’ve been shot and murdered/ Can’t tell you how it happened word for word/ But best believe that niggas gonna get what they deserve.” These lyrics suggest that 2Pac had planned his “death” to occur by the time of Seasoned Veteran’s release.
11. Bone Thugs-N-Harmony’s The Art Of War (Relativity, 1997) features a 2Pac duet entitled “Thug Luv.” At the conclusion of Bizzy Bone’s verse (1:15 into the song), his voice can be heard in the background chanting, “He’s alive, he’s alive, he’s alive.”
12. Real niggas don’t die.

-Woop-Woop- That's the Sound of (Grammar) Police: At Arizona State You Too Can Live Life To It Is Fullest

2011-09-14T12:15:00.000-04:00

Peep the tattoo, sunn.
via uniwatch

Football, Amurica, JetsJetsJets, etc.

2011-09-12T11:36:00.000-04:00

two from the vaults to sum up yesterday's action swathed in false patriotism. Anybody else feel healed by the first responder caps and sports action?

Panthro + Pantera = Panthrotera. Also, New One for EPLTalk.com, Club or Country?

2011-09-09T00:01:00.000-04:00

-----

New column up at epltalk.com about choosing to root for club or country.

Why We Are Fat: Taco Bell $5 Box Versus a Bento Box aka America is Dying Slowly

2011-09-07T23:38:00.000-04:00

Hey, I ate Taco Bell twice this past weekend.

I aint hatin', I'm just sayin'.

Two Recent Soccer Photoshops, Two Recent England Wins

2011-09-07T01:16:00.000-04:00

England 3-Bulgaria 0

England 1-Wales 0

posted on epltalk.com

Mickey Mouse Miami Dolphins (and the real football team in Miami)

2011-08-31T20:40:00.007-04:00

Appalling. Unconscionable. Incomprehensible. Mind-numbing. Deplorable. No, that’s not my response to the unraveling Nevin Shapiro investigation that set The U aflame. Instead, these words just begin to describe the absolute farce the Miami Dolphins scheduled for their tilt against the Denver Broncos on October 23rd. You read that right, the Miami Dolphins are honoring the 2008 (I was under the impression major sports anniversaries were held in multiples of five years) Florida Gators national championship team. Of course, the Dolphins chose their home game with the Broncos to honor the Gators because of a certain 3rd-string quarterback you may have heard of played a prominent role on that team. Many questions have to be asked:

-The Miami Dolphins associate with South Florida, a unique region in southeast Florida that encompasses the counties of Miami-Dade, Broward and Palm Beach. The University of Florida is located in Gainesville, over 300 miles north of Miami and even farther from a sociocultural standpoint. Miami is an urban, cosmopolitan hub in the generally low-density, homogenous South: I can’t speak for South Floridians, but I can say I am on an entirely different wavelength from my fellow New Yorkers in Syracuse, Plattsburgh, Buffalo and even Albany. Besides, UF isn’t even a big enough presence to transcend in-state regionalism like a Ohio State or a Michigan could. So how many non-alumni even associate with UF in Miami? I always scoff at Syracuse’s (and even Rutgers’) lame ad campaigns atop cabs claiming them to be “New York’s Team.”

-You could say the Dolphins are more than just taking advantage of an opportunity to use football messiah Tim Tebow as a cheap hook; a player of their own, rookie center Mike Pouncey will attend, along with other members as well as coach Urban Meyer. Okay, so where’s the ceremony for the 2005 National Champion Longhorns (hell, Texas isn’t far from the edge of the panhandle) when Vince Young rolls into town riding pine along with the Eagles?

-WWTD? What would Tuna do? You can bet your veal parm if he were still sheriff we wouldn’t hear a lick about this.

-This is what it’s come to for the Dolphins to draw fans? A ceremony for a college team? Why not honor the local rec league volleyball champs? As you may not be aware, attendance has always been a struggle for Miami, even for the playoffs. I was surprised at the relative ease at which I could procure a ticket (to their ill-fated wild card tilt against the Ravens in 2009) and that with visibly empty seats scattered throughout they still set an attendance record. They’ve already tapped out the cache of their lame-o minority owners and halftime concerts, so they’re back to the drawing board. They couldn’t employ the Heat maneuver, because Aaron Rodgers and Troy Polamalu weren’t on the market. Oh, and if you’re trying to generate fan interest during the offseason, I wouldn’t recommend wooing a college head coach while you already have one in employ and wind up returning empty-handed. So the Dolphins begin 2011 with both their coach and quarterback crawling back in. Hey, Don Shula looks good in those Nutrisystem ads, and Dan Marino always exudes a healthy glow and tan on CBS. Time to give ‘em a call and saddle up one last time.

-The Canes call Dolphin Stadium their home (unfortunately). How about some common courtesy for a roommate? Apparently, the Dolphins made an offer to U officials to have a 10th anniversary celebration of the 2001 title team, but the school understandably declined. Why tag along with other schools for some crappy ticket-grab the Dolphins are orchestrating? Besides, the U would probably like to lay low for a little bit anyway, given the circumstances.

And this is where I get really upset. That the Dolphins would do something silly is merely humorous. But I want an outcry from The U. It’s become increasingly apparent there is a massive void in leadership, based on the relationship Shapiro carried with school officials (including former AD and now Dolphin CEO Paul Dee and school president Donna Shalala) as well as the failure to compromise for a better fate to the Orange Bowl (how the hell did Jeff Loria dupe the now-ousted county mayor Carlos Alvarez into picking up the tab for his new playpen?). Now the ‘Canes wallow in mediocrity out in Bumblefuck, FL, regularly featuring swaths of empty seats during games on TV. They may as well prop up some bleachers and play on campus to larger crowds. While I’m confident the U won’t get the death penalty, I can pray Shalala will be shamed into resigning assuming the school gets a five-year bowl ban and scholarship reduction (entirely speculative on my part) and new blood can invigorate the once-mighty program. Gotta feel for Al Golden, but even knowing what happened to the U I'd make the departure from anonymity in Philly every time.

Given the outcry this story has generated locally, and the level of desperation the Dolphins are stooping to, this merely reinforces what I've always said about Miami: its a 'Canes town, baby.

Capers Funnye: African-American Rabbi out the Chi. The Revolution Will be Circumcised

2011-08-30T01:03:00.000-04:00

Know-the-ledge. Peeped this in Beverly Hills on an ill-fated bike ride across L.A.

The Evolution of Major League Soccer Jerseys, from yesterday's crap to today's professional polish.

2011-08-26T21:19:00.000-04:00

Got this posted at Majorleaguesoccertalk.com

YouTube Rabbit Hole: Vintage Beer Ads mit Lionel Ritchie, Ted Danson, Redd Foxx, Tupac, Snoop and Biggie

2011-08-24T21:16:00.000-04:00

Too much insanity to choose from, but some choice recent finds:

-Lionel Ritchie and the Commodores getting smooooooooth on the vocals, yearstin' for a Schlitz.
"When you're out of Schlitz, you're out of beer." Should we take Lionel literally?

-Redd Foxx being Redd Foxx with some Colt 45.

-Ted Danson, also for Colt 45. "There isn't any! hahahahahhaha" so good.

-a genuine ill jam from Tupac and Snoop for Special Brew (for a chosen few) dig bizness Snoop mirrored by thugged-out Snoop. The fine line that a true G walks.

-and because no mention of Tupac can be made without one of Biggie, here he is, extending the beast coast/best coast beef by rapping over the "N.Y., N.Y." Dogg Pound beat for the Crooked Letter.

We are Old Volume 1,034: God Shammgod's son is a rising high school basketball star. Also, England Celebrate Becoming the #1 Test Cricket Team in the World with Mase.

2011-08-23T00:38:00.000-04:00

NY Post with the story on God Shammgod's son, Shammgod Wells, a senior (!) at LaSalle. What's next, Felipe Lopez, Jr. going as the top pick in next year's draft? When's Majestic Mapp dropping babies?

A highlight from a Wall Street Journal profile of the original G.O.D.D. back in 2007:
"Food is another constant concern. Mr. Shammgod tries to eat all of his meals at Pizza Hut or McDonald's, Taiyuan's only two Western establishments. We ate at McDonald's three times during my 24-hour visit, my first visits to a Chinese Mickey D's. When he can't make it to one of those places, he sticks with rice and fresh fruit. Even Mr. Dixon, who speaks some Chinese and is fairly well assimilated, tries to avoid local cuisine. "They eat too much weird stuff," he says, noting that he follows the lead of a Muslim teammate at team meals because he won't eat dog.
---
Of interest only to the MZA, and he may not be all that interested. England whitewashed (brownwashed?) India in cricket, 4-0, to become the #1 ranked side in the world. While it's not all that impressive considering that only 10 countries play test cricket and only 4 or 5 of those play it well, the trophy is even worse. The #1 test team receives a ceremonial Mace.

A Ma$e trophy would have been much hotter, as I present to you below. Lest you jest, both Frownie and Kanye rank Ma$e as one of the dopest rappers ever.

Latest for EPL Talk

2011-08-19T20:36:00.000-04:00

Didn't quite go over so well.

Why was I not informed about the existence of these commercials?

2011-08-18T14:03:00.004-04:00

While we're on the subject of the NC two A today...

I found this while searching for "Goulet Red Ships of Spain." At some points during this video while not looking at the screen, I thought I was listening to Will Ferrell (the opening couldn't be any saltier). Kudos to the brilliant ad-man at ESPN for coming up with one of the most bizarre campaigns ever. I wasn't surprised to see Coach K awkwardly playing along in the crowd, but Rick (Francesa's chicken parm buddy) Majerus and John "I'll kick your (John Calipari's) ass!" Chaney make for amusing cameos.

At the very end, does he say "all the excitement of the Vegas, but without some bellhop fucking you for a tip!"?

With NBA armegeddon coming, ESPN will have the "only gig in town you sumbitches!" I'm imagining Will Ferrell in a rebuilt studio picking up where Bob left off. Make it happen.

Tha U

2011-08-18T01:18:00.000-04:00

i fucking hate college football. only in america do we have to have these discussions about sports. and these fucking middle-aged white sports media people all outraged, like the morning host here in l.a., espn's colin cowherd. blaming the kids. for what? doing what anyone else in their shoes woulda done? oh, but that's right, in the white sports, like baseball, hockey, tennis and golf you can go pro outta high school, or before high school for tennis, and get paid, and party. Because that's what young entertainers do, party. Or do these middle-aged white sports-media figures not think that their favorite musicians partied; bruce springsteen, the stones etc. They'll pump Billy Joel at home and won't begrudge him the money or the partying or the d.u.i.'s. But black athletes? Getting paid?? Partying??? Making Reggie Bush give his Heisman back? Shove it up your ass.
And why is the NCAA penalty always on the future kids who had nothing to do with anything? Because the NCAA isn't interested in justice. It's a fucking pony show.
Simple solution without blowing up the rule book and without paying players. If a school fucks up, no bowl ban, no loss of scholarships, they keep playing, and every dime the school earns from its football games and its bowl games goes to other schools to pay for scholarships. Isn't the NCAA better off, morally and financially, if Ohio State, USC, and tha U play their games, stay in the spotlight, and earn money that goes to needy kids around the country?

Get That Eddie Money Money.

2011-08-16T23:58:00.000-04:00

Saw Eddie Money at an outdoor show in Burbank. Frank Stallone opened. And it was B.Y.O.B. Good times. Two pieces I made to commemorate the madness. p.s. Eddie's got more hits than a little bit.

Free Willie Nelson

2011-08-16T00:09:00.000-04:00

Two New Posts At EPL Talk: One on This Seasons's Relegation Battle, the Other on Soccer Starting Again Already in Mid-August

2011-08-12T01:25:00.000-04:00

Post on how it's to soon and to nice outside for the new football season here.

Post on the relegation odds of newly-promoted clubs Norwich City, Queens Park Rangers and Swansea City here:

Deion Luwynn Sanders: Must be the money (Must be the money) That's turnin' them on

2011-08-11T03:12:00.000-04:00

#1. When your middle name is "Luwynn" do you really need nicknames like "Prime Time" and "Neon?"
#2. Remember when Deion was a str8 G and not dressing like a fucking (literal) fairy to push DirectTV on us?
#3. "You're a real man, Deion." Fuck off, McCarver.
#4. The lyrics to "Must Be The Money"
Well all right
Yeah
You know ever since I turned pro in 1989
When I signed the dotted line
People's strange!
'Cause things change
For the better and for the worse
So I called my momma and she said "Baby,"
(Must be the money)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
(Must be the money)
It's got to be good
(Must be the money)
I got people wantin' to be my friends
(Must be the money)
People I never knew
People I never thought about associatin with
I don't what it is
Talk to me
Check it out

Diamond Rolex, with 'gators on my feet
I got two pair for every day of the week
My hair is done, my fingernails too
Six buttons down and I don't know what to do

Must be the money (Must be the money)
That's turnin' them on
Must be the money (Must be the money)
You know I can't go wrong
Must be the money (Must be the money)
That keeps me lookin' calm
Must be the money (Must be the money)
That's got me rollin' on the strong

Limousines, in first class I fly
I'm livin' large and you know I can't deny (and my ride's)
A drop-top Benz when I'm with my lady friends
My truck's a six-four with my homie's makin' ends

Must be the money (Must be the money)
That's got me so tough
Must be the money (Must be the money)
I can't get enough
Of all the money (Must be the money)
These women fall in love
Must be the money (Must be the money)
When I'm kickin' it at the club

Flashing lights on the dance floor
The DJ says my name as I make my intro (and you know)
The place is packed, nowhere to find a seat
But Prime don't worry 'cause I'm sensin' VIP

Must be the money (Must be the money)
I got so much jewels
Must be the money (Must be the money)
Twenty-six with all this loot
Must be the money (Must be the money)
To afford the way I live
Must be the money (Must be the money)
When player's ball is at my crib

And if I make a better mansion on my land
Pools, jacuzzis, and my neighbor's can't stand
The way I live is oh so phat
I got two ladies and Prime Time is all that

Must be the money (Must be the money)
That's got me so strong
Must be the money (Must be the money)
That's turnin' them on
Must be the money (Must be the money)
You know I can't go wrong
Must be the money (Must be the money)
Come on ladies sing my song

The first thing people say is
Prime, don't let money change you
Don't let money change you
I say hey, don't let money change you
Because personally, It's gonna change my wardrobe,
My phone number, my address
Hey, my snakeskin shoes gonna change into gators
Hey, my library cards gonna change into credit cards
You know what I'm sayin'?
So don't let money change you

pic via uniwatch

Rock Aid Armenia 1989: Black Sabbath, Deep Purple, Pink Floyd Iron Maiden

2011-08-08T23:39:00.000-04:00

Friend of mine got me this gem this weekend. 'Eavy.

Wimbley Stadium!

Clever

2011-08-04T02:31:00.000-04:00

via uniwatch

I Just Looked Up Smug in the Dictionary. And Wikitionary.

2011-08-03T01:39:00.000-04:00

Mike "Big Fucking Pelf" Pelfrey Has Been Pitching, Poorly, for the New York Mets Since 2006

2011-08-01T23:07:00.000-04:00

Career

4.35

459

1.44

I realize Pelf had little to do with the outcome of this one, but still.

News Flash: New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is Fat

2011-07-29T01:01:00.000-04:00

Methinks a moomoo would look more dignified.
And Jerz' First Lady, could you please cover up those ham hocks?

Massssssssiiiiiiive DJ Rony Seikaly from Beirut to Ibiza

2011-07-28T01:25:00.000-04:00

gel

ungh!

greassssy

Rony Seikaly, international massive house DJ. Luis Figo called, he wants his whole schtee back.

oh tell me why, do we build castles in the sky.............

Kool and the Gang's "Summer Madness" (the Extended Version) Will Chill You The Fuck Out No Matter How Fucking Hot it is Outside. Also, Holy Warbles Brings the Psychedelique Funkenfuzz of Stone Coal White.

2011-07-25T22:59:00.000-04:00

you may recognize this jamm as the source for Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince's "Summertime."

BUT WAIT. This jam should be paired with their "Winter Sadness" to properly reflect on the circle of (trife) life.
---------

While on that 70's ill jammy-jam tip, check this awesome 70's rarities music blog holy warbles. They just dropped some ill knowledge about a band called "Stone Coal White," that they accurately describe as "Psychedelique Funkenfuzz."

If you diiiiiig, the download link is in the first comment. not shady.

Look into My Eyes

2011-07-24T20:18:00.012-04:00

Deep in the subterreanean level below bleeker street lies a bin of magic and wonderment

doing what he does best

"lionel, we need you to look more haunted"

"same look LR, but let's get you in profile his time babe, i want to feel the hurt"

Girl, take off your pants

How To Not Get Laid, Chapter 47: Rock an "I Love My Kicks" Hat.

2011-07-20T00:45:00.000-04:00

Sure, Nas, in "New York State of Mind" (Fuck Billy Joel), said "I'm an addict for sneakers, twenties of buddha and bitches with beepers," but this hat may as well say "I Hate Getting Laid."

from Strictlyfitteds.com

An Important Met Memorandum from the Desk of Fred Coupon: Jason "Baynilla" Bay Easily Trumps Bobby "I'll Show You the Bronx" Bonilla as the Worst Mets Free-Agent Signing of All Time

2011-07-19T12:11:00.000-04:00

It's not even close really. Bobby Bo, for all his off-the-field crap, wasn't that terrible. Of course, if the Mets hadn't signed Bonilla, they coulda maybe been in the market for Barry Bonds, but whatevs. Keep a keen eye on tonight's Met broadcast to see Freddy Coups waving the awesome sign above in the stands.

I Survived Carmageddon and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt

2011-07-18T13:18:00.000-04:00

Surprise! A whole lotta hype for nothing. And all the distraction over the traffic tie-ups that never came hid the real problem, a $1 billion project to add a carpool lane that will be worthless because this is the one city with no one downtown workplace destination.

"Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time,
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing."

STOP THE PRESSES! SCRAMBLE CHOPPERS! SHOCKING NEWS! Broker Believes Real Estate Market is Strong!

2011-07-15T01:16:00.000-04:00

Also in today's paper:

Butcher: Whaddaya Gonna Eat, Tofu?!?

Baker: Guess What Fat Kids Like!

Candlestick Maker: Candlebras Are the New Black

Penis Pill Seller: Hey, Limpdick,Your Dick's Small!

Guiseppe Franco: Bald Men Want Hair.

Bed-Stuy Bodega Owner: Hey, You Want Some Clamato? I Got Plenty.

Coffee Cart Guy: Bear Claws Need Hot Liquid to be Dunked In.

Neptune Diner Owner: Souvlaki and Rice Pudding is the New Burger and Apple Pie

Mike D'Antoni: This is the Year!

Hollywood Agent: I Smell Oscar!

Who Was The Shittiest Mets Closer of Them All?

2011-07-13T03:32:00.000-04:00

I was always a little partial cuz of our shared name.

What if we implanted the desire to blow a close game....in his dreams???

I didn't make this one, but I found and decided I couldn't do better for a Braden Looper image. He's Peter Criss by the way. And by the way, time may have forgotten that double blown save against Pittsburgh, but I haven't.

quick quiz, a picture of a random Met fan from the upper deck or Met closer and son of Sanitation Worker John Franco?

misunderstood, but not by Paul O'Neill.

Ballhawk of all Ballhawks' Fly Whip Vanity Plate; and the Mysteriously Unboss Sight of Rick Ross (Boss) in a Wheelchair

2011-07-12T00:04:00.000-04:00


-caw-caw-caw-

------------------------------

That's not boss. But it's Rick Ross from Weez' new vid for "John."

UGGGGHHHHH Make it Stop; Derek Jeter Reaches 3,000 Hits, Wade Boggs is like "bro, call me when you crush 64 beers on a cross-country flight"

2011-07-11T13:39:00.000-04:00

what, were Bishop Desmond Tutu, Pope Benedict XVI, President Barack Obama, the Dalai Lama, Bruce Springsteen, Saint Paul O'Neill, Jay-Z, United Nations Secretary General Ban-Ki Moon, Ed Koch, and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton not available? Such disrespect!

Das Racist: Biased Umpires Don't Call Strikes Strikes

2011-07-07T19:14:00.000-04:00

Freakonomics dudes posit that umpires are hate-hate-hatin.

Baseball can easily solve this problem by replacing the home plate umpire with dogs with bees in their mouths that shoot tiny lasers that form a strike zone for each batter.

Armon Gilliam, Rest in P 2 1 smooth G

2011-07-06T16:30:00.000-04:00

Peep all the Gs just in this one pic. It's like a 5% meeting.

Is it worth 75 cents to see Mike Pelfrey Take the Mound For the Mets at Dodger Stadium?

2011-07-05T15:51:00.000-04:00

Well, 70 cents, or could splurge on an 88 cent seat. No thanks.

That's Metal. and other Amazing Photographs from the Guardian Newspaper

2011-06-30T18:42:00.000-04:00

just throwing horns

wildfires in New Mexico

butters tut chilling during the Greek riots

The Guardian is the most complete and most readable newspaper on the internet. One of their most appealing running features is a slideshow of amazing photographs from around the world.

The Complete and Utter Absuridty of Left Field at the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum When it Was Set Up for baseball and the Los Angeles Dodgers

2011-06-29T00:34:00.000-04:00

Came across this pic, it's newish so it probably dates from when the Doyers played an exhibition, against the Red Sox methinks, a few years back to commemorate the four years they spent playing at the L.A. Coliseum after they moved from Bucktown, USA. Look at left field! I could see the bizman or edotage or k.w. von Ruffnhuggz hitting a stickball home run outta there.

Lookalikes: Mexico coach Jose Manuel de la Torre is the Evil Mario Lemieux

2011-06-27T16:18:00.000-04:00

as recognized by the King of Finding Lookalikes, Al K. Mza.

For what it's worth, there were 93,000 fans at the Rose Bowl Saturday for the U.S.-Mexico final and only 40,000 at Dodger Stadium that same day for Angels-Dodgers. Which one is the niche sport?

Iman Mohamed Abdulmajid and Iman Shumpert: Is it bad when your team's draft pick shares the first name with one of the world's most beautiful supermodels?

2011-06-24T00:01:00.000-04:00

I don't have an answer, but at least Iman Shumpert is a fun name to say.

Well, thanks for all the memories, "Teflon" Donnie Walsh. What a legacy, what a rebuilding job. By this time next year, with no draft pick in 2012 thanks to the brilliant Tracy McGrady trade, Carmelo's gonna be looking around at Amare limping around on gimpy needs, Iman Shumpert, Landry "Furds" Fields and start begging for a trade to Brooklyn.

I made this two years ago, everyone pictured is still involved with their respective team, and each team is still mediocre. Co-inky-dink?

The Big Man: Awesome Photos of Clarence Clemens

2011-06-23T01:47:00.000-04:00

I'm not pro-Boss. I'm not anti-Boss. I'm ambivalent Boss. He's got some good tunes, and Clarence Clemens was on most of 'em. Wonder how Mad Dog's taking the news.

Diggin in tha Crates: Shitty Album Covers - Paul McCartney II

2011-06-21T22:31:00.000-04:00

Kinda Sorta Lookalikes: Danny Noonan from Caddyshack and U.S. Open Golf Winner Rory McIlroy

2011-06-20T00:36:00.000-04:00

N-n-n-n-noonan.

P.S. It's always U.S.Open of Golf. Emphasis on the "of golf." There's only one U.S. Open.

So The Boston Bruins Beat the Vancouver Canucks for the Stanley Cup last night

2011-06-16T16:14:00.000-04:00

Either these two canuckleheads are really torn up about Vancouver's loss last night, or some hoser just snatched the last crueller from Tim Horton's.

Lou Gehrig Teaches Us How To Take A Fucking Load Off After a Ballgame

2011-06-14T22:18:00.000-04:00

via Uniwatch and the Life Magazine archives

Haters Want to Hate, Lovers Want to Love: Misinterpreting LeBron James, He's Just Saying What Tupac and Cam'ron Already Told You

2011-06-13T15:55:00.000-04:00

Peoples are mad at LeBron because they think he made fun of poor people or was condescending or some shit when he said this after yesterday's loss:

“All the people that were rooting me on to fail, at the end of the day they have to wake up tomorrow and have the same life they had before...They have the same personal problems they had to today. I’m going to continue to live the way I want to live and continue to do the things that I want with me and my family and be happy with that...They can get a few days or a few months or whatever the case may be on being happy that not only myself, but the Miami Heat not accomplishing their goal,” James said. “But they’ll have to get back to the real world at some point.”

But instead of being mad, peoples should be propping LeBron for speaking some stone cold truth. "The Decision" as a tv show was a shitty tv show, but to get mad at LeBron for choosing Miami or to get mad at LeBron for not being as big of a competitive asshole as Jordan or Kobe is the ultimate hypocrisy; to ask or expect something of someone else that you wouldn't ask or expect of yourself.

Why hate LeBron? For our selfish need to have a "story" when watching games that don't involve our team? That's our problem. LeBron is saying that all that hate, all that negativity directed towards him and the Heat is worthless. Live your life and let LeBron live his. If you watch basketball, watch basketball, but don't invest your emotional well-being in the acts of strangers.

No less than two Goddz are with LeBron here.
Tupac, "Don't You Trust Me?"
Question me about my whereabouts that's so trivial
Let me live my life and you can live yours
Cam'ron, "Live My Life"
Leave me alone, let me just live my live, ah
Just leave me alone, leave me alone
Let me just live my life ah

How Do You Want It? How Does It Feel?

2011-06-09T20:38:00.000-04:00

A Heartwarming Scene of Staggering Adorableness: Mister T Gets a Kiss from Nancy Reagan

2011-06-07T22:17:00.000-04:00

via this gallery at the Guardian

Amazeballs Mix: Blood Bros First Blood and Blood Bros Mix 2 Heaven 2 Hell. Train! Fight! Die?!

2011-06-03T00:22:00.000-04:00

The second's even better than the first. Ultimate props and p-p-pounds on the artwork.
Blood Bros First Blood available here.

Blood Bros II Heaven 2 Hell available here.

I Used to Get It In Ohio: Jim Tressel Photoshop Up at Cleveland Frowns

2011-06-02T00:21:00.000-04:00

Good pieces by Frowns here and at Cleveland Scene on how wack the Jim Tressel sitch is. Up above is the photoshop that ran, below is an attempt I made at making an "invisible" like on filmwise, which is really, really, really hard. Cap's off to the dudes who make those things.

The Superiority of the Soccer System of Promotion and Relegation over our Fixed Franchise System

2011-05-31T20:34:00.000-04:00

Column I have up at a site devoted to England's lower leagues about how the league system of promotion and relegation found abroad is more democratic than what we have in place here where franchises can move on a whim. Long story short, if we had the system in place here that's in place in most of the world, the Brooklyn Dodgers would still be in Brooklyn.

Bromeo and Julian Redux

2011-05-27T01:47:00.000-04:00

Bromeo et Julian. Bro.

Too Fast For Love Too Furious For Forgiveness: Vin Diesel and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson in "Bromeo and Julian."

2011-05-26T02:08:00.000-04:00

Why Couldn't It Have Been Hulk Hogan? The Macho Madness Ends, and a look back at the Macho Man Miss Elizabeth Wedding.

2011-05-20T19:05:00.000-04:00

Prefer to look back at the good times. The following moment was perhaps the best and the worst, the blurst if you will.

"I'm 82 years old." "Some Might Say 82 years young!" "Up your ass"

2011-05-18T22:01:00.000-04:00

Eventually, every clip ever makes it onto youtube. Here's one the Big Dood saw years ago and not again since, a grizzled World War II putting a peppy morning news whippersnapper in his place.

Dante's New Inferno: Colonel Sanders Abyss of Fried Chicken Preparation aka Inferno Sauce

2011-05-17T15:40:00.000-04:00

A heretofore uncharted by Dante level of hell, where Colonel Sanders toils in a beige-and-gray colored abysss doomed to forever coat mutant chickens in a batter most foul.

Does anyone find anything remotely realistic or enticing about that picture? Fucked.

Marseille Sportages

2011-05-15T16:28:00.005-04:00

Boule (similar to bocce) requires the simplest sporting area I've ever seen- a patch of flat dirt. (The Central Park Conservancy would love this, no grass to worry about, and minimal upkeep.) Phenomenally, they call these Boulodromes (perhaps this is what Krang does in his free time?)

Or, if that court (pitch?) is too lowbrow and/or near traffic for the local boule-r (because, you know, it's only in the shadow of a ONE THOUSAND YEAR OLD CHURCH), perhaps this is a more acceptable spot- a Boulodrome IN A FORT, WITH A CUTOUT OVERLOOKING THE MEDITERRANEAN (couldn't get it in the pic, but trust me, it's there).

Then, after a tiring, sweaty afternoon of bouling, cool yourself off here:

Arnold Schwarzenegger Maria Shriver Divorce Cheap Photoshop Gag

2011-05-11T02:26:00.000-04:00

Plenty More Where That Came From

2011-05-09T18:00:00.001-04:00

I can't get enough. Gimme more of these beats.

The Assaut Continues

2011-05-08T22:26:00.002-04:00

This should fire you up for a Monday morning. (The title, loosely translated, means "My Man".)

Say Hello To My Parisien Friend

2011-05-08T22:20:00.004-04:00

Who do I trust? me, that's who.

Catchin wreck in Marseille:

Catchin something else:

Francais Hey

2011-05-05T23:15:00.006-04:00

A damning statement on the state of French rap- spotted through a runoff grate outside the Louvre:

However, still keeping it real (French):

Who knew Onyx was still at it, sailing in the south of France?

Mario Joyner is Not Bigtime Enough to Bigtime his fans

2011-05-05T15:49:00.000-04:00

Here's a pic of comedian Mario Joyner, eating, appropriately, alone at the new M Street Kitchen in Santa Monica (happy hour $6 for burger/fries $3 for a beer ya heard?). Mario Joyner, star of 1991's "Hangin with the Homeboys." Mario Joyner, the man who bigtimed the biz at Santa Monica's wildly overrated Father's Office bar two years ago. Mario Joyner, a man who should have been grateful that the biz even recognized him. Here's his website.

Marseille-Hey

2011-05-03T22:17:00.008-04:00

Back from France.

I keep dancehall strong.

Would it be worth going back to Marseille next week just for this concert? Judging from this banger (c/o MZA), it may just be.

Osama Bin Laden is Dead, but Bin Laden Weed Lives On

2011-05-02T21:08:00.000-04:00

Mane check this shit out we was up in Chicago right
With my n---a big hamp the n---a pass me a blunt
Like smoke this shit n---a this some bin laden weed
Y'all don't know nothing bout this down south
What the fuck is bin laden weed its three different
Kinds of weed all grown together that shit some straight killer
Them Chicago n---z call  it bin laden mane some straight fire

[chorus 4x's]
Who got that hydro
Who got that light green
Who got that Bobby brown
Who got that laden weed

Mario Balotelli Super Euro Nike Ill Kicks Commercial

2011-04-27T20:32:00.000-04:00

In honour of Bizman's Euro adventures comes a super Euro advert. Don't click on the related youtube links unless you want to delve into the world of Italian hip hop and techno. Ziti.

Over the Fucking Top

2011-04-27T00:55:00.000-04:00

Hagar. Stallone. "The Winner Takes it All." We're all winners. via biz a few months ago.

The Best Part of Waking Up

2011-04-25T19:33:00.000-04:00

from this Flickr page

Guardian Photoshop Contest for American Takeover of Arsenal Produces Gems

2011-04-19T18:16:00.000-04:00

Your pal Coachie had nothing in the latest Guardian photoshop contest about Stan Kroenke's takeover of Arsenal, the brilliant image above rightly won this round. The rest of the entries are also amusing.

An Amazing Portrait of Mob Boss Joseph "Big Joey" Massimo by the Courthouse Artist Duo of Andrea and Shirley Shepard

2011-04-14T14:00:00.001-04:00

His face, a soupy ragu of resignation and contempt. His froggy neck, a sad reminder of our petty rejection of Bill Bradley. His track suit emblematic of the mafia's, and our, loss of sartorial style. The increase in society's pop culture interest in the mafia over the past 10 years is converse to the mob's ability to entertain. Would John Gotti ever be painted looking this bad?
And just who painted this masterpiece? The secret superstar mother-daughter team of Andrea and Shirley Shepard, profiled in this New York Times piece.This portrait should hang in the Museum of Modern Art, because that's exactly what it is.

Y'all Ready For This?

2011-04-13T18:35:00.004-04:00

Tha Shiznit.

Beastie Boys Celebrate Release of New Album Hot Sauce Committee Part Two With Video Starring Everyone Ever

2011-04-12T22:51:00.000-04:00

Stuy High represent.

via The Offside Rules

After A Millennia of Terror, Stretching Across the Cosmos from Cybertron to the Planet Earth the Mighty Megatron has Been Killed

2011-04-07T14:09:00.000-04:00

Megatron kinda looks like Chris Tucker. From the Post.

Where's My Burrito?

2011-04-06T22:22:00.002-04:00

What a waste.