Quick World Series Beard-Off, Now!

I was just going to post closeups of all the ill beards in this World Series but then I got a lil brazy. And if players are gonna keep it au currant with fashionable beards that would blend right in on Bedford Ave, why aren't they going back to 80's skinny baseball pants?

old man gray beard

dirty sexy crazy love 'stache

coming up small gettin overpaid by the yanks beard

ill chin strap beard

ace beard

Shook Santa Claus Beard

Boring Beard

Adrian Beltre Game 5 Homer aka Somewhere in those Three and a Half Hours is a Great Two Hour Baseball Game

Why Watch the World Series?

Is a sport still major if no one watches it?

Why Ratings are Relevant:

Ratings for the just-concluded ALCS (4.4) and NLCS (2.9) were abysmal. Sunday's dreary Vikings-Bears match-up on Sunday Night Football drew a 6.6. The pre-game drew a 5.3. Forget football, the NBA Eastern Conference Final this past Spring between the Heat and the Bulls averaged a 6.2  The ALCS and NLCS numbers are even behind the Stanley Cup Finals. The numbers are trending down toward MLS Cup levels.  

It's not about small-market versus big-market. After all, last year's World Series between the fifth-largest market, Dallas, and the sixth-largest market, San Francisco, tied for the lowest rated Series ever. 

Now, in our modern sports culture, plenty of people absorb and follow sports without ever watching a minute of actual game action, which speaks to just how sick a hobby following sports is. (Imagine meeting a metalhead who says "Me? Oh no, I don't pump Maiden, I just read Metal Circus." or a cinephile who says, "Oh, I never go to the movies but I play box office fantasy and read Entertainment Weekly and Sight and Sound.")  But tv ratings are important because it means the vast majority of people do not want to see baseball actually being played. And while I don't suggest that baseball will disappear, it can continue to become more irrelevant in this country.

How much less fun would baseball be to follow without being able to share it with our fellow fans? How many of us are planning to get together to watch the World Series together? Compare that amount with the throngs filling the bars on Saturdays and Sundays (including those arising very early on those mornings to watch soccer). And if fewer people watch will fewer people in this country play? Where would the game be today without the 30% of players that come from abroad? 

High Attendance is a False Sign of Life:

Major League Baseball argues, through attendance figures, that the sport's never been healthier. 

Attendance is a terrible way to track baseball's health. People will always want to sit outside on a sunny day to inhale hot dogs and guzzle beers. The very existence of the minor leagues is a testament to the appeal of getting drunk under the sun. No one filling the Brooklyn Cyclones' ballpark is there for the baseball, well, except for the solo Bellevue escapees with yellow AM/FM walkmen, enormous 1980s eyeglasses, and greasy WFAN giveaway sweatshirts. All the new ballparks, for all their talk of optimum viewing angles are really designed to maximize our consumption while limiting our viewing of the game. "Listen, I'm gonna go grab some garlic fries, a donutburger, I'll be back in five innings."  Fuck you, Feed Me. 

Think of the way bars have evolved. When I was coming up in the booze game there were many old-man bars. Dark places where you could while away the daylight in boozy silence. Now, every bar has to have amusements, shuffleboard, fusball, trivia, beer pong for chrissakes. Even the old-man bars now have to have flatscreen tvs wallpapering the joint. You can't look deeply into the bottom of your pint without being distracted by the roast highlights on the eigth showing of SportsCenter. Shea was beautiful because there was little to do but watch the game. That era has passed, and it's largely for the sport's betterment because teams would be bankrupt if, like football, it had to rely on tv money. 

TV money is king, and without decent tv numbers we can genuinely be concerned about the long term health of the big leagues. Look at college sports, where perfectly healthy basketball leagues like the ACC and the Big East are being dominated by their football teams because despite the crappiness of the football in those two conferences, the football money dwarfs the basketball bucks. 

The Playoffs Insult Common Sense and Two Solutions:

So why watch this year's World Series on TV? There are two compelling reasons not to, one is the game's length the other is the format. A lot of attention in recent years has been on the late start time, so baseball moved first pitch up to 8:05. It doesn't matter when it starts, it matters when it ends. A friend of mine has a great quote, "basketball is about tempo while baseball is about tension." But there needs to be a baseline rhythm to the game, a rhythm that is sorely lacking in today's game. The biggest difference between watching a game today and one from 20 or 30 years ago is the stepping-out-of-the-box after every pitch.

This is easily solved by limiting the pitcher to one time off the rubber during an at-bat and limiting the batter to one time-out during an at-bat. Or leaving the matter entirely up to the umpire who would only be allowed to grant the batter a time-out after a brushback or near-beaning. This one rule change could shave 30-40 minutes from the game without changing how the game is played. This rule change will never happen, however, because it is to the owners' advantage to have long games because it means more time for the home fans to eat hot dogs. Short cheese, it's always the short cheese over long. 

The second problem is the postseason format. Baseball, for decades, had the most meritorious postseason format. Win your league, and advance directly to the World Series. Then in 1969 we got a League Championship Series and divisional play in 1995. 

The small divisions mean most fans don't follow teams in other divisions which means come playoff-time few teams have national followings. Moreover, the structure is fundamentally unfair in that an AL West team must only beat out three teams for a playoff spot while an AL Central team must beat out five. Worst of all, in many seasons, a non-playoff team finishes with a better record than a playoff team which happens to win a weak division. 

2008 is one example of many, the Mets, Marlins, Astros and Cardinals all finished with records as good or better than the N.L. West Champion L.A. Dodgers. Toronto would be a contender in almost any other division or in a bigger division format that awarded playoff berths on wins. Baseball once rewarded teams based on wins, now it rewards them based on geography. 

So if the postseason is not a meritocracy baseball may as well make arbitrary changes to force excitement. Changing every series to 5-on-5 would reward flukier teams (so what? The wild-card Cards, who finished six games behind the Rangers were rewarded with home-field) but it would make each game super-tense and would greatly increase the chance of a do-or-die Game 5. 

The two most popular postseason tournaments in American sports are the NFL playoffs and March Madness, which are both single-elimination. The last World Series Game 7 was in 2002. Baseball can't afford to have long gaps between Game 7s. Look at how Horse Racing has suffered in its Triple Crown drought. Plus, making each round best-of-5 could help competitive imbalance by making it easier for cheaper teams to compete. Teams like the Yankees and Red Sox have extraordinary depth. But in a best-of-5 system, teams could get by with less. 

Would it mean that the best team would not advance? Without a doubt, but that's the system we have now anyway. 

Are these ideas extreme? I don't think so. But in an era of ratings that approach hockey levels, the status quo is simply not good enough. 

Clever

via uniwatch

An Important Met Memorandum from the Desk of Fred Coupon: Jason "Baynilla" Bay Easily Trumps Bobby "I'll Show You the Bronx" Bonilla as the Worst Mets Free-Agent Signing of All Time

It's not even close really. Bobby Bo, for all his off-the-field crap, wasn't that terrible. Of course, if the Mets hadn't signed Bonilla, they coulda maybe been in the market for Barry Bonds, but whatevs. Keep a keen eye on tonight's Met broadcast to see Freddy Coups waving the awesome sign above in the stands.

Who Was The Shittiest Mets Closer of Them All?

I was always a little partial cuz of our shared name.

What if we implanted the desire to blow a close game....in his dreams???

I didn't make this one, but I found and decided I couldn't do better for a Braden Looper image. He's Peter Criss by the way. And by the way, time may have forgotten that double blown save against Pittsburgh, but I haven't.

quick quiz, a picture of a random Met fan from the upper deck or Met closer and son of Sanitation Worker John Franco?

misunderstood, but not by Paul O'Neill.

UGGGGHHHHH Make it Stop; Derek Jeter Reaches 3,000 Hits, Wade Boggs is like "bro, call me when you crush 64 beers on a cross-country flight"

what, were Bishop Desmond Tutu, Pope Benedict XVI, President Barack Obama, the Dalai Lama, Bruce Springsteen, Saint Paul O'Neill, Jay-Z, United Nations Secretary General Ban-Ki Moon, Ed Koch, and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton not available? Such disrespect!

Das Racist: Biased Umpires Don't Call Strikes Strikes

Freakonomics dudes posit that umpires are hate-hate-hatin. 

Baseball can easily solve this problem by replacing the home plate umpire with dogs with bees in their mouths that shoot tiny lasers that form a strike zone for each batter.

Lou Gehrig Teaches Us How To Take A Fucking Load Off After a Ballgame

via Uniwatch and the Life Magazine archives

Should the Yankees Trade for Johan Santana?

photoshop credit: Tirico Suave

By Al K. Mza, unable to post directly:

Should the Yankees trade for Johan?

Think about it, Wilpons are broke, he’s due to make 20 mill plus over next three seasons, and Yankees need pitching depth. How about one of the Yankees catcher prospects, plus a minor league/draft pick poopoo platter for getting Santana’s obligation off the Amazins? Brian Cashman has swayed away from these mega signings in the last few years, but what if Johan comes back healthy and CC opts out at the end of this season? At the very least it would make Suzyn Waldman go insane. This isn’t a crazy idea is it?

The New York Mets 2011 Season Marketing Slogan: So After the Laughter I Guess Comes the Tearz

The Mets put out a bummer of a survey last week.
Followed by an even sadder commercial. The rap response: After the laughter, comes tearz. The rock response: Sad But True.

For All The Schtee In the World (Randoms From the Vault)

A very metal photo.

Impressive, if not overly accurate.

 

There's a lot wrong with this picture, the least of which is the pink towel. 

 The O.G. Genesis of Smoovy Suav/Suavy Smoov

And finally, just a happy reminder.

Yankee Schadenfreude

 I watched Game 6 of the A.L.C.S. with an old friend of mine who was a Met fan when we were children. He went to college in Boston and during the height of the nouveau rivalry became a Yankee fan. Thus, I couldn't draw much pleasure from Friday's epic denouement. The next morning, like a kid on Christmas morn, I awoke early at 8 to seek out the New York Post to revel in the Yankee misery. I would have no satisfaction. I ask you, why publish a same-day Post out here and charge $2 for it if you can't report on a game that ended around 8:30 PM P.S.T.?? It's all so very hollow anyway, what with last year's triumph. True, last year's Series win provides little comfort for most Yankee fans, but it certainly dulls the revelry of Yankee-haters like myself. And any excitement us haters feel must surely be tempered by the fact that Cliff Lee and Carl Crawford could be sporting pinstripes by the New Year. So I ask ya, what is there to really celebrate? There's one team that could unite New York as one and that's the Knicks. Peter Vecsey put them in their place with his Sunday column zinging, "They are two All-Stars away from being a contender."
Sincerely,
Debbie Downer

Any Muther-Fuckin Squadron But The Muther-Fuckin' Yankees; Also, is John Tesh the Devil?; and Fran Healy is a Singer

 Peeping the Rangers croooz past the Rays makes me wonder if the Yanks lucked, as usual, by finishing second in the A.L. East. Instead of facing the Rangers and Cliff Lee and Vlad in a short series, they face the short-handed Twinkies who they own more than the Miz owns me in sticks. -le sigh-.
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This panel is from Marvel: Mythos, a boring retelling of the Ghost Rider origin which is nonetheless beautifully painted/drawn by Paolo Rivera. This is from the scene where Johnny Blaze meets the devil to bargain for his soul. But is it The Devil------or John Tesh???(cue Triumph pronouncing "Teshie.")

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Apparantly, Fran Healy not only admirably hosts the Halls of Fame on MSG, but he is also a Britpop singer and former frontman for the band Travis. And bringing it full circle, Fran Healy the singer looks like Andy.

Baseball Playoffs. Yawn.

 Major League Baseball once had the most meritorious playoff system in the land. Win your league. Even after the split to two divisions, it was fairly fair. Now? It's a mess. Tiny divisions mean that many years non-playoff teams in strong divisions have better records than teams that qualify. The rule that a division winner cannot play the wild card in the first round is arbitrary and asinine. What is the rationale? The league that gave us the wild-card, the NFL, doesn't have this rule. A few years ago the football Giants and Eagles played each other in the last game of the season and finished 1-2 in the NFC East. They promptly played each other the next week in the first round of the playoffs. The world still ate their buffalo wings in peace.
Am I bitter because I think the Rays have a better shot of beating the Yanks in a short 5-game series? Mayhaps.
--
Yankees over Twins (what a suprise! fucking worthless Twins wasting a playoff spot every year).
Rangers over Rays (just to make it easier for the Yankees to advance)
Yankees over Rangers (a 3-man rotation for the Yanks. Of course it will work)
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Giants over Braves (a vicious rematch of the 2002 NLDS)
Phillies over Reds (zzzzzzzzzzzz)
Giants over Phils (only because the playoffs can't go exactly the way everyone says?)
--
Yankees over Giants, How Ya Doin?
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Those are my 2-cents, what are yours?

King Felix for Cy Young and Johan Can'tana for 2nd in 2008! Also, Kenny Loggins Will Heat Your Home This Winter for Free

The only drama in the A.L. this season seems to be over whether the Cy Young should go to C.C. Sabathia or Felix Hernandez. C.C.'s got 20 wins for a team that slept-walked through this season while Felix has only got 12 for a team almost 40 games under .500. It seems like it should be widely accepted, for many reasons, that wins are a terrible stat to judge a pitcher by. But I guess it's not since C.C.'s got a lot of support, despite Felix' lower E.R.A., higher innings pitched, more complete games, lower W.H.I.P., and well, let's just say Felix is better in every pitching category save wins and pinstripes worn (which could be rectified soon I suppose).
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 In 2008, Johan Santana went sported a 2.53 E.R.A. and finished third, third, in the National League Cy Young voting. Brandon Webb won 22 games that year, the only category he bested Johan in. Santana was a beast that year, highlighted by his complete game shutout on the penultimate day of that pitiful Met season. He should have been neck-and-neck with my boy Tim Lincecum for the award itself that year not staring up at Brandon fucking Webb. Sure it's bitter of me, but it'd be nice to see a Met win an award once in awhile.
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Winter is nearly upon us, if you're worried about your heating bill fret no more. Simply place this Kenny Loggins album in the center of the room you wish heated and feeeeeeeeeel the glow.

Umpire Calls Yankees and Red Sox a Disgrace to Baseball for Slowing the Game Down

 Umpire Joe West speeding things up.

Baseball fans want the game sped up. Owners may publicly proclaim that they do as well, but must secretly love 3+hour games that allow fans at the ballpark more time to shop for t-shirts, scarf sausages and guzzle beers. Cue Ted DiBiase: "Money, Money, Money."

Commissioner Bud Selig has repeatedly mentioned that speeding up the game was one of his priorities. Still, it was surprising to read, as originally reported by NorthJersey.com (bro) and the New York Post, Umpire Joe West publicly call out the Yankees and Red Sox for their pace of play that makes time seem to pass through porridge.

"I understand it's strategy," West said. "I understand they're trying to set up the count and take so many pitches...They're the two clubs that don't try to pick up the pace."

"It's pathetic and embarrassing. They take too long to play."

In one embarrassing sequence from Tuesday night, Home Plate Ump Angel Hernandez denied Derek Jeter's request for time. Jeter stepped out of the box anyway.

There's no need to be stepping out of the box to take a few practice hacks after every pitch, this aint the World Series, it's the regular season. It's not like basketball players get to step off the free-throw line to practice their stroke in-between free throws. NLF kickers don't get to take a couple of practice run-ups to the holder on the field. Soccer players don't get a couple of phantom kicks at goal before a penalty shot.

Here's a simple proposal that would provide a bright-line rule and speed the game up without making a fundamental change to the game: Allow the batter exactly one time-out per at-bat and allow the pitcher exactly one chance to step off during an at-bat. That's it, otherwise stay in the box and stay on the rubber and play ball. There's no need to be stepping out of the box to take a few practice hacks after every pitch, this aint the World Series, it's the regular season.

Yankees and Mets Opening Day-Hardball is Back! (So are 4-hour Games)

 Any excitement over opening night was quickly dulled by the grinding gears of another 4-hour Yankee-Red Sox slugfest. Time moves like oatmeal through Wilford Brimley's mustache during a Yankee-Red Sox game. Of course, it's always jarring to go from watching hoops to baseball, no matter who is playing. Basketball gives you action with no context. Baseball gives you the context of a nice daily rhythm but with no action.

Or as my pal B-Town says, basketball is about tempo. Baseball is about tension. And in a Yanks-Bosawx game there is no tension. Only the kind of drunk punch-counterpunch that comes from two fighters who know each other far too well. You don't need Mushnick to tell you that a 9-inning game should not last nearly 4 hours. All the worse that it's on a Sunday school-night.

There are plenty of common-sense ways to reduce the length of games, which hurt tv ratings and general attention to the sport. But long games are great for owners because it means the fans actually attending the game have more time to stuff their face with sausages and t-shirts to cover their corpulent frames. Owners have always been reluctant to trade short-term cheese for the longer-term health of the game.

Today's Met game didn't do much better, clocking in at 3+hours for a fairly straightforward game. Not much to get excited about, the Mets always do well on Opening Day. Grrman does a nice job rounding up just how transitory and sad today's starting lineup is.

One thing watching all this baseball does do is make a man FIEND for sticks. But alas, 5 days till the freakin weekend.

What if?

Remember when the arms race was between the Orioles and Yanks in the mid-90s? What if this deal happened? I guess you Yankee haters now know who to blame.

1995 recap of David Wells deal to Orioles

"Jim Bowden, the Reds' general manager, declined to discuss the Yankees' involvement, but an official familiar with the Wells talks said Steinbrenner called Bowden Saturday night and offered pitcher Mariano Rivera and catcher Jorge Posada."

Sad...But True

Don Bigdoodo strolls the streets of Little Italy, like Don Homer before him, sampling donuts and basking in the glow of nailing the World Series. Don Biggz, like Frownie, was right. It's sad...but true. Only Homer Simpson dubbed in Italian could cheer me up.