Vintage Handball and Ping Pong Books

Further proof of the Mza's all-time axiom, things weren't better back in the day, except for back in our day. Peep these champs. Remember the brouhaha over Tom Brady's supposed effeminate hair? These men brushed their hair, conditioned their hair, oiled their hair, teased their hair, permed their hair, fucking luxuriated in their hair, then went out, played some handball, slapped each other's butts, slammed 12-14 Budweisers then dipped their balls in gruyere fondue before driving home. Drunk.

I feel like I was the G in blue in a past life. Such form. You know he just hit a killer.

Dr. Who pinging that pong. Such supreme concentration.

Good Gawd! Did anybody ever do these drills?

Rafael Nadal Completes Career Grand Slam; Es El Rey de Reinas; El Maestro del Melbourne, El Centro del Corte de Centro, y Popa del Paris

 Rafael Nadal, at only 24 years young, completed a career Grand Slam by winning the 2010 U.S. Open over a game but frail Novak Djokavic last night. Fred Perry, Don Budge, Rod Lever, Roy Emerson, Andre Agassi, and Roger Federer are the only other men to have won all four Grand Slam Tournaments in their career.

A major asterisk, though, for my main man Jimmy Connors. In 1974, Jimbo won the Aussie, Wimbledon and the U.S. Open, but was barred from entering the French Open because he had signed up with the fledgling World Team Tennis League. Moreover, Connors is the only man to win the U.S. Open on all three surfaces that it has used; grass and later clay in Forest Hills and then hardcourt in Flushing Meadows.

Does Nadal's achievement cheapen R-Fedz' same Career Slam, achieved last summer at Roland Garros?To quote John Starks, "No question." But for my lucci, I'd take Federer at his height and in his pomp. To paraphrase my man S-Boomz' thought on R-Fedz from Saturday night, his game is too beautiful to live. It's remarkable that Fedz reign was as long as it was, what with his one-handed backhands and exquisite netplay. Modern tennis, with its increased speed, power and insane world travel eats its stars. In doing so it robs us of marquee match-ups. Without longevity, tennis must constantly produce new stars as the current ones flame out by 25, and because that is impossible its popularity suffers.

 I watched last night's match online through the U.S. Open web site. They used a different camera angle than the tradish 3/4 angle on CBS. The stream was much lower to the ground, almost putting us at eye level with the players and made for much more exciting viewing. For all the changes to teevee technology there have been almost none with the camera angles with which sports are televised.

 That's Rafa Nadal's sister. Que Bonita.

I went to the Open on Friday with Pop Dukes and Coups, got to see Rafa, Fedz and Bryman's gurrl Venus practice up close as they all practiced side-by-side outside Arthur Ashe. They're all metronomes.

My main man Jimmy Connors, I still own his replica metal-framed racket. In 2005 I attempted a Connors-esque haircut, which is pretty much the same haircut John Ritter rocked on Three's Company, but for me, it was bad company.

 On the Billie Jean King United States Tennis Association National Tennis Center grounds (that's a mouthful!), there's a bizarre statute of a tenny-playing dad with his kids. The dad looks a lot like George H.W. Bush, no?

 When they reminisce over you. Or, Killa Hills, 11375.

Finally a note on  Arthur Ashe Stadium. I heard gasbag Dick Enberg repeatedly refer to this dump as a "grand arena." It is a high-school football stadium expanded to 23,000 seats. From the outside it's horrific, what with the grotesquely exposed seats of the upper tier and the watered-down Camden-Yards motif on the halfway built facade except it's not even brick but tile. What is it with the modern trend of exposing the backs of the seats rather than have the facade reach the top? And, of course, there is no roof. Tradition-bound Wimbledon has a roof at Centre Court. Rod Laver Arena in Melbourne has a roof. The French are installing a roof at Roland Garros. What's the holdup? The Open is a cash cow. This is the third year in a row that the Men's Final was postponed to a Monday. On the broadcast we heard that, once again, the Open was not prepared for a postponed final and so most services were lacking. Big Dood was there all day and reported that nary a drop of beer was to be found. That's no way to enjoy the tennis.

If Arthur Ashe had a roof from day one the Nets could have been balling it up all these years in front of full houses. The Isles could be skating there, avoiding bankruptcy or worse at the Coliseum. Billy Joel would have someplace to warble in the winter. Helen Marshall could give a series of speeches where she'd explain what exactly her job is and why she is paid hundreds of thousands of dollars for it.

Gael Monfils Amazing Tennis Rally and a World Record Kick to the Balls

Tennis in March? France's Gael Monfils demands and commands your attention with this absurd vertical rally.
Also, as Hans Moleman taught us in "Man Getting Hit By Football," a man getting hit in the balls is always entertaining.

News : Roger Federer is the Greatest Tennis Player of the Open Era; Also, Selleck Waterfall Sandwich.

R-Fedz has repelled wave after wave of challengers to his throne. His streak of semi-final appearances is absurd. Yesterday (I think), Federer repelled the more powerful Andy Murray, shining brightest in an epic third-set tiebreak, prevailing 13-11. The 2010 Aussie Open title is the 16th of his career, the most titles for men in the Open era. He's won on all three surfaces and has won all four Grand Slams. He's defeated many different kinds of players by employing the pin-point-placement artistry of a Greg Maddux. Or perhaps more like Ted Williams, cuz he hits the ball where they aint.

The only disappointment was in seeing the Melbourne crowd and ESPN's announcers get so clearly behind Murray. Rooting for the underdog is a natural inclination. But Federer is the kind of player we only see once in a couple of generations. We should enjoy him while he is here.
---
Also, props to Cannatar for finding Selleck Waterfall Sandwich. The anonymous artist behind these masterpieces of modern art should be applauded for staying so dedicated to his vision.

Al K. Mza Has Lost his Appetite

Al K. Mza has got no Jet-recipes for you today. He is sick to his stomach. Here are his thoughts:
----
With apologies to Chris Onstad, It's a FUCK YOU FRIDAY!
Andre Agassi! Fuck you!
Theirry Henry! Fuck you!
Allen Iverson to the Knicks! Fuck you!
----
***UPDATE***
It appears that the Knicks are making the right call by not signing A.I. More for A.I.'s sake. A great player like Iverson deserves better than to spend his last dayz playing absolutely meaningless games and not being part of the general baskets conversation. He deserves to play for a peripheral contender.

The Knicks need to concentrate on finding a draft pick for next summer, since the Jzzzz currently hold theirs. They need to find hungry young players from the 10-day contract group of ballers.

Women's Tennis Superstars from Back in the Dizzay: Hot or Not?

Last week's most controversial Shea Hey discussion begets this entry. Marinate. I have combed the vaults, dug in the crates (D.I.T.C 4-eva) to bring you the Women's Tennis Superstars from back in the dizzay; to the innocent days when a classy product like Virginia Slims could endorse the biggest Non-Slam tourney at MSG. Now, no e-z task this, but....who is the hottest? And who--the nottest? Obvi, outside entries are ok.

UNNNNGGHH!!! Monica Seles. Frankly, the discussion should stop here. And clearly, time has been kind. She stole a young Coachie's heart at the Virginia Slims Finals back in 1991. Young S-Boomz was also thrrr, he led us on a successful mish from the 400s all the way down to the third row.

This here is Tracy Austin. A tad before my time. But a fave of D-F-Dubbs aka David Foster Wallace. Yowee! More tennis players should play in nighties.

The Shark knows you don't have to hunt in shallow waters. The hottest American?

A chameleon. Is it the, ummm, fierce competitor on the left? Or the creamsicle on the right? We'll call it Advantage: Agassi.

Is she daydreaming of Matthew Perry on the right?The Mza and Bryman both have their points. Basically she's a diesel Alyssa Milano. And while she had a fairly ruff patch in her life, she still got crazy paid at age 13, think about that the next time you consider artificial NBA and NFL age limits.

Mary Pierce. A forgotten queen. Formed one the more bizarre sporting couples with Roberto Alomar, especially in light of recent allegations. The O.G. candidate for Proactiv. But still, braydz for dayz.

Conundrum, Jodie Foster would be the obvi doppelganger to play Martina in her biopic (title? "Pleez Hammer, don't hurt 'em!" or "Iron Curtain Munching" (sorry)) but Jodie Foster is attractive. A riddle. But seriously, rispekt, she's still playing and kicking a lot of ass.

Hana Mandilkova. Nothing special. Nice Bad News Bears look here tho. And I think she may have screwed around with Bjorn Borg. And we know that M.F.er only dipped his Swedish Meatballs in the finest.

The Swiss Miss. Paved the road for R-Fedz. Was I alone in my down-ness? Still down. Secretively saucy she-devil look to her.

Now here's a serious challenge. Gabriela Sabatini. It's crazy-bone-thugs that a babushka like Anna Kournakova was lionized when genuinely talented Amazonians like Sexy-Sabs were toeing the court. And she appears to have aged gracefully into Giada de Laurentiis, only the hottest chick in the saute game.

Finally, we have Arantxa Sanches-Vicario. I dunno. I'm strangely in the mood for a gyro tho.

Perhaps, in the interest of fair play, I will post a sequel featuring the starry racket-wielding studs of yesteryear. Personally, tho, I don't think there's much of a point. My mans Jimmy C has got that shit on lock:

If his rackets are on top of the bag, then what the hell is inside? Condoms? Coke? Champagne? The question, US Weekly style, is who rocked the bowl harder, Connors or Pete Rose?

The House that David Dinkins Built

Jimmy C. and John Got Theirs Back in the Dizzay.

I love tennis. But, like many other tennis fans, I only watch the Grand Slams, save for cherished memories of seeing Monica Seles in her prime as a young lovelorn lad at the Virginia Slims at MSG. Marketing the non-slams is a thankless job.

This week sees start of the L.A. Tennis Open, an event in its 83rd year that can boast past champions such as Pancho Gonzales, "Hot" Rod Laver, Stan "You can do anything but lay off my ill white kicks" Smith, Jimmy "Chris Evert? Yeah, I hit that" Connors, John "Tatum used to be a prime P.O.A. back in the dizay, eh?" McEnroe, Arthur "Tite 'fro, tighter shorts" Ashe, Michael "Fuck You Ivan" Chang, "Dead Yo Shit" Edberg, Andre "Advantage:" Agassi, Boris "Gurl, I'll freak you in the restaurant's broom closet" Becker, Jim "The Great Ginger Hope" Courier, and Pete "Yawn" Sampras.


This year the tourney doesn't feature one player from the Top 10. Can't be e-z trying to sell L.A. on seeing the Bryan "aren't they just zany??" Bros., Mardy "Go" Fish, Sam "Nobody Asked" Querrey, and Tommy "We Must Protect Zis" Haas. At least they got a little Legends tourney going with Sampras, Chang, Dedberg, Courier and Marat "Nobody pays to see me hit a backhand or move around the court" Safin.

Speaking of Safin and tuff sells, his sister headlines the upcoming L.A. Women's Tennis Championships. Now rankings mean something in men's tennis, but in the women's game today, the rankings mean absolutely nothing. The Williams sisters don't play the minor tourneys so their rankings suffer, but then they show up at the Slams and rip shit up. Now Dinara Safina may be the world's #1, on paper, and it's fine to play up her appearance at the tourney. But it takes some set of balls, and complete ignorance, to have your ad read "Better than Serena, Better than Venus, Better than anyone in the world!!!!" when Safina lost in the French Open final, 6-4, 6-2, and got absolutely annihilated by Venus in the Wimbledon Semi-final 6-1, 6-0. So how can their ad read that Safina is better than Venus? The worst part is, this kind of tournament only appeals to hardcore tennis fans, the kind of fans who know very well that Venus absolutely beat down Safina, why insult your loyal fan base's intelligence with an ad like this?


Back when the U.S.T.A. was threatening to pull the U.S. Open out of N.Y.C. unless a new stadium to replace Louis Armstrong was built, part of the argument was that rotating the host city for the Open would bolster grass-roots tennis in our country. I can partly see the point. Then again, on the flip side,if being able to see the stars in person inspires kids to pick up a racket, shouldn't the NYC area have produced more stars than just McEnroe? In any event, David Dinkins stepped to keep the action in Queens, leaving tennis with the situation it has today where cities like L.A. get the impossible-to-market scraps.

Props et Poundz

Rock Steady Rog knows what time it is.

It's all iiite in white, unning for #15 on the grass.

Pics courtesy of The Guardian.

Shifting Sands of Clay/Thundering Thuds of Hooves

Shittin' on 'em. The Competition

"Je veux que vous gagniez...et vous goût aimez juste le miel."
"....merci beaucoup...mon boo."

Why should we care?

Derby winner Mine That Bird and 9 other horsies will run in this afternoon's Belmont Stakes out in the nether-world Queens/Nassau border town of Elmont without Freakness winner Rachel Alexandra.

No rematch between the he/she Mine That Bird, shorn of his bawlz after all, and fab filly Rachel Alexandra?

Every year, the promise of an exciting Triple Crown season returns, struggling a little less each year to avoid becoming part of the vestigal Americana of egg creams, soda jerks, adults playing baseball, automats, newspapers, chomping cockily on cigars, heavyweight champions, suits worn with hats and a strong domestic industry. We are told tales of when horse racing was right there with baseball as our most popular sport, that past champions such as War Admiral, Secretariat and Seattle Slew mattered as much as any star slugger or singer. I suspect the sport would be long dead were it not the only sport on which gambling is allowed. A $5 million bounty still stands for owner of the next Triple Crown champion.

This year, in yet another Triple Crown-less season, horse racing still had a chance to maintain the sporting public's interest with a Freakness-rematch in the Belmont. Instead, Rachel Alexandra's owners have pulled her out of the race, citing "tiredness." If the powers-that-be in the sport don't care about the Belmont, then why should we?

We'll take Frownie's old fav, Luv Guv, at 20-1 in the state that luvs its guv the least, followed by Mine That Bird (2-1), and Dunkirk (4-1).
- - -
Speaking of unconsummated rivalries, Roger Federer will take the court in Paris tomorrow for the French Open title. Winning would not only give him a tie with Pete Sampras for the most Slam titles, it would place him amongst the rare handful of eternals to win on grass, clay and hardcourt. Unfortunately, Nadal, whom Federer has faced in a record 7 times in Slam finals, beat him to that later feat when he won the Aussie Open back in January. Nadal will not be facing Federer, which is a damn shame as their rivalry reached a new plateau as each has adapted to win on the other's dominant surface.

I suspect that Federer will not find it to be a hollow victory if he wins tomorrow, much like how the Celts must have felt in winning the title in '86 over the Rockets instead of the expected Lakers.

The bigger question is where Federer ranks amongs the all-time greats. There is no more difficult sport in which to compare eras than in tennis. None. First there is the fact that the Open Era inaugerated 1968 made comparing tournament track records impossible, much like expanded postseason play in baseball has made a mockery of all-time postseason records.

More important is the change in equipment.I grew up playing with a metal racket that has about half-the-surface area of a modern racket. To play with a wooden racket is simply inconceivable. The rackets held by Big Bill Tilden all the way through McEnroe look like ping-pong paddles compared to today's equipment. They may as well have been playing with their hands. It is nothing like, say, the shift from wooden baseball bats to aluminum ones. It would be more like replacing a baseball bat with a adamantium cricket bat. It is replacing a feather with a bazooka.

Still, judging by Federer's unique-for-the modern-game all-around skill set, he would have likely thrived in past eras. Not everyone agrees on the importance of winning on all three surfaces, but I rank the feat as the most important factor in judging champions. Only Rod Laver and Andre Agassi have won all four titles, which is a major reason why I admire Agassi's career more than Sampras'. And why I think Federer is the superior player to Sampras, regardless of career titles.

Which is good, because I don't think he will win tomorrow. Fatigue has been a major issue for Federer of late. The man had mono after all. His semifinal lasted five sets, and the expectations of the entire tennis world will weigh heavily upon his floppy-haired dome tomorrow. Unless, of course, the fix is in, as hinted by the overly-supportive quotes given by the men's field in Paris. An example, as reported by the L.A. Times, "Everybody wants Roger Federer to win, even his quarterfinal opponent Gael Monfils, who said so in their post-match handshake." We'll be there, bright and early hoping.

How about y'all out there? Share your opinion on who is the greatest player in your lifetime and in history.