Monday, April 13, 2009

The Franchise That Just Can't Stand Prosperity.



From Jody Gerut's leadoff homer to former Met fatty Heath Bell's 1-2-3 ninth, the Mets showed the whole world how little has changed for the franchise despite its new home. They were outhomered by a hideous Padres lineup, and predictably hit two warning track shots -they always seem to come up short more often than their visitors. As soon as David Wright collected his first big hit since a walkoff homer against the same Padres team last season, Ryan Church completely misplayed a fly ball and as just as it seemed Pedro Feliciano would work out of the jam, he balks in the eventual winning run. The team has been a colossal tease for several years, but always comes miserably short. Cleveland may have it's Wahoo, but many New York baseball fans have to deal with a nameless, shapeless ghost that haunts their team. Maybe the ghost has a name and wide figure in the form of Mike Scioscia. Or Yadier Molina. Either way, this franchise will continue to find ways not to win. Some will say to be thankful for what limited success they achieve, but they do not root for teams that are massively overshadowed by a crosstown neighbor.

Words Is Bonds 2


A great moment in literary booze from Raymond Chandler's "The Lady in the Lake."
- - -
He looked at me with steady blue eyes and I looked at him. In spite of his weathered appearance he looked like a drinker. He had the thickened and glossy skin, the too noticeable veins, the bright glitter in the eyes.
- - -

Happy to post more great moments like this if you got them.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Saturday, April 04, 2009

Still A G



Edgardo Alfonzo still swangin for the Yomiuri Giants in Tokyo. For a cool $380,000.

A forgotten Met, which is a shame considering that he was the bedrock for the last Mets' spell of success in the late 90's. 

Friday, April 03, 2009

PNC Park + Busch Stadium III + Citizens Bank Park =...

...you know where I'm going.

As cynical as I was during CitiField's construction process, I couldn't help but be a little excited attending the ballpark's soft opening featuring the baseball squads from St. John's -as the visiting team- and Georgetown last Sunday. On the ride there, if I wasn't certain which major league team called the ballpark home, I was painfully reminded by the same miserable cold and wet weather that closed out Shea Stadium. That was a shame, because it killed any chance of a festive atmosphere -outside of one St. John's cheering section in the 'Promenade:' I'll get to the stupid section names later.

Upon arrival at the Mets/Willets Point station, -good for the MTA for attempting to get something out of the Mets and Citi- you're spit out into the entrance plaza with some token tree and flower patches sprinkled in to try to differentiate it from the adjacent parking lots. The grand entrance, the Jackie Robinson Rotunda, is a hulking mass of fake brick arches and massive steel trusses that along with the cheap looking escalators evokes a subway station much moreso than Ebbets Field. Would it have killed anyone to put some skylights over the space and not make it seem like an entrance cavern? Like what the Yankees did in their entrance plaza? Anyway, the rotunda has some nice posters of Jackie Robinson, though there were still a few open slots left to be filled. While this is a great gesture to one of the most important athletes in American history, where's the love for Branch Rickey? I'll get to the very, very, very uneven 'tribute' to New York National League baseball later as well.

Moving on, the concourses are wide and lined with plenty of concession stands and restrooms, but the exposed metal decking of the floor above is more appropriate for a warehouse, not a ballpark -wasn't this supposed to be a departure from austere and minimalist designs of the 60s? How about a hung ceiling at least? Or get creative and make it vaulted. The only highlight of my time there was seeing Jeff Coup-, er Wilpon strolling around with an associate, probably trying to overhear conversations or go over punchlists. The centerfield food court offers a great selection of food, including tacos/burritos, Danny Meyer's Shake Shack and Blue Smoke as well as a grocery -very generic, shoulda used local context and model it after a Corona bodega- that sells packaged salads, sushi and most importantly Mamma's of Corona's heroes. Thankfully, the skyline that graced the top of Shea's Gambler's Scoreboard™ has a new home on top of the Shake Shack and Blue Smoke -the original apple unfortunately is in a dark corner under the bullpen bridge: cave troll treatment. Speaking of the Gambler's Scoreboard™, it's successor pales in comparison. It's an obstructive little row of scores over the left field upper level seats that considering how much empty ad space the park has around the jumbotron and outfield wall, they may as well have put a newer, bigger one, like what's done in the parks Pacific Northwest cousin, Safeco Field. The ads that are there consist of an embarrassing array from the likes of Bob's Discount Furniture, Alliance Building Services (???) and an equipment rental company whose name I can't even remember. All that's missing are ads for pawnshops and Denny's.

A word of advice when navigating the ballpark, unless you want access to the Mets' offices -with gorgeous chop shop views- do not take the staircase on the promenade level behind center field and next to the mechanical equipment. It takes you straight down to the exit at street level, or if you're adventurous you can attempt re-entry by walking through the inner ring that connects to the clubhouses and press room -which by the way looks great, Jerry Manuel is gonna love talkin gangsta with the press after games- and eventually the elevators that can send you back up to your choice of the Metropolitan, Empire, Sterling (nice Wilpon schill) or Promenade Levels. I would've loved to have seen Coup's Stoop, Bernie's Bench or something a little more creative, but that's just me. That's probably one way the Mets differentiated the park from its peers in Philadelphia, Pittsburgh and St. Louis, because if you didn't know any better, you wouldn't be able to tell where you are if you were sitting in the middle of the park.

I suppose the one instance of 'creativity' evident in the park are the 'homages' to the New York Giants in the form of black and orange garbage receptacles and outfield wall. Yeah, so deep, I can see Willie Mays snagging flies in center field and throwing his gum away in a trash can... The Phillies, who had no need to even reference their much more successful cross town rival, the Athletics, put up a nice exhibit chronicling the history of Philadelphia baseball: if HOK and the Mets are gonna use templates from every other new park, where was this one? The Giants were the class of New York National League baseball, but you wouldn't know it, at least according to ol' Fred. We've to thank Fred 0as well as co-conspirators Mayor Giuliani and George Steinbrenner- for these new parks, because if he and George didn't leave their parks in such disarray, there wouldn't have been enough clamor for replacements. Dodger Stadium is as old as Shea and even older than Yankee Stadium II and is in great shape. Where have you gone, Nelson Doubleday?

There's so much more I can vent about, but I don't want this to become a dissertation. As the old saying goes, I root for the laundry, so I don't care where the Mets play, as long as I can go to games every once in a while. At least I can stuff my face to avoid thinking about CitiField's shortcomings. Oh well.

LET'S GO METS!!!!

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Words is Bond


I was strolling the aisles of the 'brar yesterday and came across "Ernie," everlasting Ernest Borgnine's autobiography. Look at that mirthful mug! So I picked it up but then had second thoughts. Sure, he's been in some greats, but could I get through his entire boo? I decided to flip to a random page, if it was good, I would take it out.

Well, this is the first sentence I read:

"The last thing Sam Peckinpah had said to me was that I should go fuck myself.
So did I want to work with him again? You bet your life!"

SOLD!

Amongst the many classic tales he tells is of the time he was a struggling actor in New York. Walking despondently along 10th Avenue in midwinter, he comes across a roasted chestnut cart with a sign that read:

"I don't want to set the world on fire, I just want to keep my nuts warm."

Borgnine took the creed to heart, working on almost any project that came his way, always reaching for the stars with feet planted firmly on the ground.

So, next time you're in your local 'brar, check it out! Get it? Check....out...ahh forget it.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Inspirational



Times may be tuff, but here's O.J. to remind us to always grab life by the throat.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

U C Me? Hi Hater!


I made this of image Oscar hating on y'all inspired by the brilliant t-shirts that line the stalls of discerning Senegalese t-shirt/kicks/chains/beeper vendors along the hallowed thoroughfares of Delancey Street, Canal Street and BK's Fulton Street.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Mondays



Yeah, no matter where you are in the world (Cameroon), school sucks. Keep your head up, lil dude.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Things Weren't Better Back in the Day (Except Back in Our Day)



Create Your Own Caption Contest.

Winner receives Props, Pounds and a litre of Gary Pettis' Jheri Curl Run-Off.

2nd place gets to run their hands, softly, through Fred Lynn's hair for precisely two minutes.

3rd place gets to fill Don Baylor's size 9 cap with soft-serve ice cream.

Loser must lay prone on the ground as Reggie focuses the Sun's rays through his glasses onto your face.

Monday, March 09, 2009

Kinda-Sorta # 5



Presenting Jackie Earle Haley aka Kelly Leak aka Rorschach in The Watchmen and two-time NBA MVP, the dime-dishin Steve Nash.
Eh? Kinda? Sorta?

And if you've seen the movie (ugh) doesn't he do a better Christian Bale than Christian Bale? Take heed kids, keep puffing those Kools and guzzling that Old Crow and you too can hoarsely mutter lines like "Wait till they get a load of me," or "I'm not locked in here with you....you're locked in here with me!"

Monday, February 23, 2009

For Whom The Bell Tolls



By many accounts the NBA is doing better financially. Ratings are up and the league can count on at least 5 powerhouse teams that dominate while still playing entertaining ball.

At the same time, the League continues to carry dead weight. We know the usual suspects, the games you skip watching when your team is on the road visiting them cuz it's too depressing to peep.

The Memphis "Sloe Gin" Grizz, playing in front of 4,000 fans; 3,500 of which are U.Memphis fans too confused from inhaling biscuits slathered in gravy to tell the diff-diff. The other 500 are 3-6 Mafia members.

The L.A. "Sailin Takes Me Away" Clippers, thrilling their bizarre celebrity row of Penny Marshall, Billy Crystal, Malcolm in the Middle and the Sports Guy. That foursome would make for the grossest foursome orgy outside Japan.

Then you have the New Jersey "If Only John Starks Hadn't Broken Kenny Anderson's Wrist" Nets. Is there a better indication of the health of the franchise than peeping the above prices on Stubhub.com? ZERO DOLLARS FOR A TICKET. Sure, the team currently sits 10th in the East, but they have a young, exciting team of emerging stars such as Brook Lopez and Devin Harris. Plus, Vince Carter sometimes pauses from launching jumpers to drop a nasty yam on an unsuspecting fool.

ZERO DOLLARS FOR AN NBA GAME.

The worst part is the Nets had a chance to instantly leap from the League's most moribund to Str8 Baller status by moving to Bucktown, U.S.A. Brooklyn loves its ball. A borough that would be the fourth-largest city in the country were it independent. A location near NINE subway lines, right above the Long Island Rail Road, near the BQE, near three bridges, within walking distance of downtown Brooklyn's offices and within walking distance of several upper-middle class neighborhoods.

But now, the Brooklyn deal is all but dead. Whispers abound that owner Bruce Ratner is bankrupt. Meanwhile, there are three new stadiums in the New York area that are almost done, the new Yankee Stadium, the new Mets stadium, and the new Giants Stadium. None of the three were really necessary. All those teams draw huge crowds and clock more cheese than Chuck e. The one that was necessary, in Brooklyn, is the one not getting done.

As an alternative, the Nets could go to Newark. But the Jersey market has never supported the Nets. For example, we are approaching the 20th anniversary of the McDonald's Family Pack, a package that failed to entice despite offering 4 Nets tickets, 4 McD's extra value meals and a disposable camera for $40. Still, it sure beats staying in the swamp. Driving out there in after-work traffic is more depressing than Drazen. The bus from Port Authority wasn't a bad deal, but that's gone, replaced by a two-train dance that requires a transfer in a place that sounds like a public access Sesame Street knockoff - "Secaucus Junction."

If there's one thing we've learned about the success of sports franchises, (football excluded because football is in its own class), is that teams do better located in the heart of cities rather than in the 'burbs. Same reason why bars and restaurants do better in cities. In the burbs people just want to survive the traffic and get to their nice homes to relax. In cities, at night, people will use any excuse, including attending regular season hoops, to escape the hovels they call their apartments.

ZERO DOLLARS!

Friday, February 20, 2009

Opening the Schtee Vault # 1



Only in New York could a story about ballplayers giving each other haircuts in the clubhouse ignite a firestorm worse than, well, Super-Friend Firestorm.

So, like Cam'ron, come with me back to the Mets of 2003, languishing in last place, rudderless under the leadership of the walking dead Art Howe. It was early May of that year when news broke that Harmando Boonitez, whose steely, confident gaze graces the banner of this very blog above, gave shortstop Rey Sanchez a haircut during a game.

OH MY!

Reaction was swift. Unquestioned clubhouse leader, Mo Vaughn, plumbed the depths of his dome to offer, "Rey knows the rights and wrongs, but we're not going to make a big issue of that as a team. We've got too many other things to worry about."

Like the lack of butterscotch syrup in the clubhouse to douse his post-game sundae with! HI-YO!

Potential Hall-of Fame GM Steve Phillips, in perhaps the best summation of his ruinous reign, offered, "I don't get embarrassed about anything anymore.

In hindsight, that was likely the truest thing Phillips ever said. After all, those fake ESPN press conferences were he impersonated various baseball GMs still awaited him in the future.

- - -

Peep for more classic NY Post offerings in the future as I take full advantage of developments in scanner technology.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Recession Blues


It is sometimes said that art only truly soars when mankind suffers. Has Jim Jones, P.O.M.E., borne this out? With our country sliding towards depression, Dip-Set's erstwhile consigliere has let loose a nation's frustration with his Recessionary Blues infused remix of Kid Cudi's "Day N Nite."

Preach.

Dip-Set.

Byrd Gang.

Balls in your court, Killa.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Wait, What About.....THIS????


"Hey....hey, you ever have a meatball sandwich?"
"Ummm, yeah?"
"Well, shoot, you ever have a meatball sandwich while getting your ol' hangdown tugged by the Philly Phanatic?"
"uhh..............."

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Tha G Code



Is it bothersome that the New York Giants and Jets play in East Rutherford, New Jersey. A tad. Despite only a river running through us, there is a psychological barrier that makes Jersey seem impossibly far away. As way of example, I'd rather make the hour+ trek to Coney Island for the Cyclones than go out to the Meadowlands.

Does it make the Giants' "ny" logo any less awesome? No. But, for shits and giggles, here's G-Men helmet for all the Goddz of the Earf.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

My Canyon of Heroes

Consume or Die



inspired by a Grrrrrrrreat game, america leaped out of bed this morning, tossed back a diet pepsi max,, took a look ahround, put on its elastic-lined pleated j.c. penny jeans one leg at a time, and skedaddled off in that guldarned-leased-Explorer to Denny's for a Grand Slamer. Abso-friggin-lutely necessary. Big fuel. For a Big Day. IHOP is for babies.

The lights of our nation's Wal-Marts flicker to life, illuminating miles of ailes of bahgans. KFC's deep fryers hum with anticipation, ready to melt those 11 secret herbs and spices into the crust enveloping that juicy all-white (alllll-right) breast meat. Millions of dull-eyed office drones in 2007's striped shirts boot up their 2006 Dells, determined to use this first fantasy-football free day to hunker-bunker down, yessir, no distractions, no procrastinating. Real work to be done, dump that data into Excel, revel in the number-crunch, eye-drop those bleary eyeballs, ergonomically adjust our wrists, Seamless Web our din-din.

Determined, like Santonio Holmes to brush all ten toes upon turf, to roll up our sleeves and lick this darned recession of ours. Why, shoot, if our F-150's can have an 1800-3050 pound maximum payload, we can sure as sam-heck change the oil and rotate the tires on the economy!

And as we settle into our beds tonite, from the lighthouses of Maine to the raging surf of San Diego to the Eurotrashed shores of South Beach, to the asshole banker yuppies 2.0 of FiDi to the churning waters of Pugent Sound to the Massive Massives of the Midway to the panty-droppin varsity blues of windswept West Texas, to the Testaverde-Pining Paisans waddling through the stripped malls betwixt the Sound and the Atlantic, bellies full of Hot Pockets and Sierra Mist Lite, let us be lullabied to sleep with the soothing words written by some who-cares from, like, a long time ago, but so lovingly hip-hopped by our generation's defining poet/troubadour, Will.i.Am;

May God bless and keep you always,
May your wishes all come true,
May you always do for others
And let others do for you.
May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung,
May you stay forever young,
Forever young, forever young,
May you stay forever young.

May you grow up to be righteous,
May you grow up to be true,
May you always know the truth
And see the lights surrounding you.
May you always be courageous,
Stand upright and be strong,
May you stay forever young,
Forever young, forever young,
May you stay forever young.

May your hands always be busy,
May your feet always be swift,
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift.
May your heart always be joyful,
May your song always be sung,
May you stay forever young,
Forever young, forever young,
May you stay forever young.

Amen. And Spend.