Manager: [ stepping forward] Governor, I'm Kevin O'Brien, the manager, and I just want to thank you for dropping by - again. Bill Clinton: Well, thank you, Kevin. You've got a real American family place here. Is it too late for an Egg McMuffin? Manager: Well, we stop serving breakfast at eleven.. but for you.. Bill Clinton: Thanks so much. Manager: And should I check to see if I can scare up some of those sausage patties. Bill Clinton: You read my mind!

Clinton at McDonald's

Bill Clinton.....Phil Hartman
Secret Service Agent #1.....Kevin Nealon
Cashier.....Melanie Hutsell
Female Customer.....Ellen Cleghorne
Les Holmgren.....Chris Farley
Manager.....Tom Arnold
College Student.....Julia Sweeney
Male Customer.....Rob Schneider

[ President-Elect Bill Clinton and two Secret Service agents jog into a D.C. McDonald's ]

Bill Clinton: Alright, boys, let's stop here for a second. I'm a little parched from the fog.

Secret Service Agent #1: Sir, we've only been jogging for three blocks. Besides, Mrs. Clinton asked us not to let you in any more fast food places.

Bill Clinton: I just want to mingle with the American people, talk with some real folks.. and maybe get a Diet Coke, or something..

Secret Service Agent #1: Fine. But please don't tell Mrs. Clinton.

Bill Clinton: Jim, let me tell you something - there's gonna be a lot of things we don't tell Mrs. Clinton about. Fast food is the least of our worries.

Cashier: Oh, my God! It's Bill Clinton!

Bill Clinton: Hey, nice to meet you! How are you? [ walks up to a young mother ] That's an adorable baby. What's your name, sweetheart?

Female Customer: [ holding baby ] Her name is Shakira.

Bill Clinton: Now, that means "African Princess", doesn't it?

Female Customer: Why, yes!

Bill Clinton: Well, she certainly is beautiful enough to be a princess. Are you gonna finish those fries?

Female Customer: Uh.. no. Would you like some?

Bill Clinton: Well, if you're not gonna eat 'em.. [ grabs the fries and eats ] ..Mmm, these are good. Shakira, you take good care of your mom now.. [ moves on ] Hi, how are you? Good to meet ya! How we doing over here?

Les Holmgren: Les Holmgren. Holmgren Hardware. Voted for you, sir.

Bill Clinton: Thank you, Les. So you own your own hardware store?

Les Holmgren: Yes indeed, sir. Since 1972.

Bill Clinton: Well, good for you. You know, we want to create a network of community development banks that lend to small businesses like yourself. I see your boy doesn't like pickles.

Les Holmgren: Nah, he hates them!

Bill Clinton: You mind? [ grabs the pickles ] Attaboy! So, good luck to you. We're gonna wake up everyday thinking about you. Oops! Missed one. [ grabs remaining pickle ]

Manager: [ stepping forward] Governor, I'm Kevin O'Brien, the manager, and I just want to thank you for dropping by - again.

Bill Clinton: Well, thank you, Kevin. You've got a real American family place here. Is it too late for an Egg McMuffin?

Manager: Well, we stop serving breakfast at eleven.. but for you..

Bill Clinton: Thanks so much.

Manager: And should I check to see if I can scare up some of those sausage patties.

Bill Clinton: You read my mind!

Secret Service Agent #1: [ whispering ] Uh, sir.. maybe you'd prefer a McLean burger.. or the garden salad is very nice.

College Student: Governor Clinton? I'm a sophomore in college, and I may have to drop out because my parents can't afford tuition.

Bill Clinton: [ glancing at her tray ] Speak of the devil, that's one of those McLean sandwiches. Are those any good?

College Student: Would you like to try it?

Bill Clinton: Well, just a bite.. [ takes a huge chomp ] Mmm.. that's not bad! You know, my National Service Trust Fund would allow every student to.. [ grabs her soda ] ..mind if I wash it down? [ takes a sip ] Ahh! That hit the spot!

Manager: [ returning ] Your Egg McMuffin, Mr. President.

Bill Clinton: Thank you, Kevin. You have any of that sweet and sour sauce. You know, the kind that you dip McNuggets in?

Manager: For your McMuffin?

Bill Clinton: Or the barbecue sauce. Whichever.

Male Customer: You can use mine.

Bill Clinton: Great. Just pour in right on.

Male Customer: [ pours the sauce on ] I have a question.

Bill Clinton: That's it. Just pour it all on!

Male Customer: Do you support the decision to send troops to Somalia?

Bill Clinton: [ chews his McMuffin ] Mmm.. that's a good question. Yes, I do.. and let me tell you why. See, right now, we're sending in.. [ holds us McMuffin ] ..food.. [ puts McMuffin in front of Male Customer ] ..to Somalia.. but it's not getting to the people who need it because.. [ brings McMuffin back to himself ] ..it's being intercepted by the warlords.. [ chews McMuffin some more ] And it's not just us. It's other countries, too.. [ grabs a McNugget from another customer ] Your McNugget is aid from Great Britain.. [ takes it to other customer, then gibbles it down ] ..intercepted by warlords! [ grabs someone's Filet-o-Fish ] This man's Filet-o-Fish over here is relief from Italy.. [ pops it in his mouth ] ..warlords! And you can send all the food you want.. [ grabs different items ] ..a McDLT, hot apple pie.. it's just gonna end up with.. [ puts it all in his mouth ] ..the warlords! Now, with a broad-based international military force, we can make sure that the McRib sandwich.. [ grabs one and places it on someone's tray ] ..gets to the people who need it. [ picks it up and gobbles it anyway ] Can I get a Coke?

Secret Service Agent #1: Uh, sir.. I think we should probably continue your jog. We've only gone about an eighth of a mile.

Bill Clinton: Alright. You guys up for a real run?

Secret Service Agent #1: Yes, sir.

Bill Clinton: Race you to Pizza Hut!

[ Clinton runs out of the McDonald's, as the Secret Service agents follow right behind him ]

Adrian Beltre Game 5 Homer aka Somewhere in those Three and a Half Hours is a Great Two Hour Baseball Game

Suck for Luck Bowl

The Dolphins and Colts could each easily reach 0-16, leading to the inevitable conclusion of Roger Goodell, sitting somewhere in the Hamptons flipping a coin with Jim Irsay's mug on both sides. Just like how the Spurs landed Tim "Big Fundamentals" Duncan in the one year The Admiral sat out.

More fun idea, the Dolphs and Colts play a 17th game of the season for the first draft pick, maybe in Palo Alto with Andrew Luck nervously stroking his beard from a luxury box filled with concord grapes and ipads. Dolphs part-owner Marc Antony can do the halftime show on mute. If the Colts win, Peyton Manning can go to the Raiders to replace Carson Palmer, who in turn can return to what he does best; namely drinking lite beers and trolling the L.A. Coliseum parking lot for USC froshes (born in 1993 b-t-dubbs).

It would do quintuple the ratings of the World Series.

Why Watch the World Series?

Is a sport still major if no one watches it?

Why Ratings are Relevant:

Ratings for the just-concluded ALCS (4.4) and NLCS (2.9) were abysmal. Sunday's dreary Vikings-Bears match-up on Sunday Night Football drew a 6.6. The pre-game drew a 5.3. Forget football, the NBA Eastern Conference Final this past Spring between the Heat and the Bulls averaged a 6.2  The ALCS and NLCS numbers are even behind the Stanley Cup Finals. The numbers are trending down toward MLS Cup levels.  

It's not about small-market versus big-market. After all, last year's World Series between the fifth-largest market, Dallas, and the sixth-largest market, San Francisco, tied for the lowest rated Series ever. 

Now, in our modern sports culture, plenty of people absorb and follow sports without ever watching a minute of actual game action, which speaks to just how sick a hobby following sports is. (Imagine meeting a metalhead who says "Me? Oh no, I don't pump Maiden, I just read Metal Circus." or a cinephile who says, "Oh, I never go to the movies but I play box office fantasy and read Entertainment Weekly and Sight and Sound.")  But tv ratings are important because it means the vast majority of people do not want to see baseball actually being played. And while I don't suggest that baseball will disappear, it can continue to become more irrelevant in this country.

How much less fun would baseball be to follow without being able to share it with our fellow fans? How many of us are planning to get together to watch the World Series together? Compare that amount with the throngs filling the bars on Saturdays and Sundays (including those arising very early on those mornings to watch soccer). And if fewer people watch will fewer people in this country play? Where would the game be today without the 30% of players that come from abroad? 

High Attendance is a False Sign of Life:

Major League Baseball argues, through attendance figures, that the sport's never been healthier. 

Attendance is a terrible way to track baseball's health. People will always want to sit outside on a sunny day to inhale hot dogs and guzzle beers. The very existence of the minor leagues is a testament to the appeal of getting drunk under the sun. No one filling the Brooklyn Cyclones' ballpark is there for the baseball, well, except for the solo Bellevue escapees with yellow AM/FM walkmen, enormous 1980s eyeglasses, and greasy WFAN giveaway sweatshirts. All the new ballparks, for all their talk of optimum viewing angles are really designed to maximize our consumption while limiting our viewing of the game. "Listen, I'm gonna go grab some garlic fries, a donutburger, I'll be back in five innings."  Fuck you, Feed Me. 

Think of the way bars have evolved. When I was coming up in the booze game there were many old-man bars. Dark places where you could while away the daylight in boozy silence. Now, every bar has to have amusements, shuffleboard, fusball, trivia, beer pong for chrissakes. Even the old-man bars now have to have flatscreen tvs wallpapering the joint. You can't look deeply into the bottom of your pint without being distracted by the roast highlights on the eigth showing of SportsCenter. Shea was beautiful because there was little to do but watch the game. That era has passed, and it's largely for the sport's betterment because teams would be bankrupt if, like football, it had to rely on tv money. 

TV money is king, and without decent tv numbers we can genuinely be concerned about the long term health of the big leagues. Look at college sports, where perfectly healthy basketball leagues like the ACC and the Big East are being dominated by their football teams because despite the crappiness of the football in those two conferences, the football money dwarfs the basketball bucks. 

The Playoffs Insult Common Sense and Two Solutions:

So why watch this year's World Series on TV? There are two compelling reasons not to, one is the game's length the other is the format. A lot of attention in recent years has been on the late start time, so baseball moved first pitch up to 8:05. It doesn't matter when it starts, it matters when it ends. A friend of mine has a great quote, "basketball is about tempo while baseball is about tension." But there needs to be a baseline rhythm to the game, a rhythm that is sorely lacking in today's game. The biggest difference between watching a game today and one from 20 or 30 years ago is the stepping-out-of-the-box after every pitch.

This is easily solved by limiting the pitcher to one time off the rubber during an at-bat and limiting the batter to one time-out during an at-bat. Or leaving the matter entirely up to the umpire who would only be allowed to grant the batter a time-out after a brushback or near-beaning. This one rule change could shave 30-40 minutes from the game without changing how the game is played. This rule change will never happen, however, because it is to the owners' advantage to have long games because it means more time for the home fans to eat hot dogs. Short cheese, it's always the short cheese over long. 

The second problem is the postseason format. Baseball, for decades, had the most meritorious postseason format. Win your league, and advance directly to the World Series. Then in 1969 we got a League Championship Series and divisional play in 1995. 

The small divisions mean most fans don't follow teams in other divisions which means come playoff-time few teams have national followings. Moreover, the structure is fundamentally unfair in that an AL West team must only beat out three teams for a playoff spot while an AL Central team must beat out five. Worst of all, in many seasons, a non-playoff team finishes with a better record than a playoff team which happens to win a weak division. 

2008 is one example of many, the Mets, Marlins, Astros and Cardinals all finished with records as good or better than the N.L. West Champion L.A. Dodgers. Toronto would be a contender in almost any other division or in a bigger division format that awarded playoff berths on wins. Baseball once rewarded teams based on wins, now it rewards them based on geography. 

So if the postseason is not a meritocracy baseball may as well make arbitrary changes to force excitement. Changing every series to 5-on-5 would reward flukier teams (so what? The wild-card Cards, who finished six games behind the Rangers were rewarded with home-field) but it would make each game super-tense and would greatly increase the chance of a do-or-die Game 5. 

The two most popular postseason tournaments in American sports are the NFL playoffs and March Madness, which are both single-elimination. The last World Series Game 7 was in 2002. Baseball can't afford to have long gaps between Game 7s. Look at how Horse Racing has suffered in its Triple Crown drought. Plus, making each round best-of-5 could help competitive imbalance by making it easier for cheaper teams to compete. Teams like the Yankees and Red Sox have extraordinary depth. But in a best-of-5 system, teams could get by with less. 

Would it mean that the best team would not advance? Without a doubt, but that's the system we have now anyway. 

Are these ideas extreme? I don't think so. But in an era of ratings that approach hockey levels, the status quo is simply not good enough. 

Morning Cup of O.J.

Manchester United's David de Gea-----Donut Thief!

Weird story, up at EPL Talk.

That Certain Henchman Look: Tony Hawk and the ill German (Russian) Henchman from Die Hard Alexander Godunov

 Tony Hawk (brah), with that Robocop-esque forehead, the glazed blonde hair fluffing out in the back. Looks like that type-ill Henchman from "Die Hard."
Alexander Godunov who had that "look." Stole the show in Die Hard, and was in "The Money Pit," which is Peter Griffin's famous and righteous response to his family's harping on him for hating on "The Godfather." Godunov passed before his time in 1995. A blonde-beefy  showdown with Dolph Lundgren will sadly never happen. His epitaph reportedly reads, "His future remained in the past." What does it mean?? A fan of Gatsby perhaps.

sandra bullock?

It's Not Just Football...

"How many times do I have to tell you, IT'S NOT JUST FOOTBALL!! Now would you please get outta my room. I already told you I sent my resume to Uncle Frank last week, GOSH!"

Carlos Tevez Image for EPL Talk

And yes, that is a hair in the scanner and not artistic flourish.

Finn McCool's Irish Breakfast Sandwich at the Santa Monica Farmer's Market

On Saturday night I went to go see UFO. Took the bus down Santa Monica from the Strip only to be greeted by the sad sight of my local Taco Bell/Pizza Hut, closed as Prodigy's heart.

I made up for it the next morning with this monstrosity, the 'Irish Breakfast Sandwich' slanged by local pub Finn McCool's at the Santa Monica Sunday morning farmer's market.

 

That's right. Scrambled eggs, crispy bacon, thick sausage, crispy potatoes, all slathered in HP Brown Sauce. Apologies to the Miz for not hitting this up when you were in town a few months ago. 

Why Cook? Why Drive? Why do anything????????????

And then they taunt you with that dine-in deal.

Michael Owen Reminisce for EPL Talk

I go dumbdumb-Grantland personal memoir style for this one.

What Price, Victory?

"It's a great day in Syracuse... It's a great day for New York."

-Nancy Cantor, Syracuse Chancellor

That sound you didn't hear was the collective shoulder shrug from New York. Sensing the consolidation of college football into a four-conference "Super 64" (brought to you by Nintendo, what a marketing opportunity! I'm too young to make a Commodore joke), Pittsburgh and Syracuse, former bulwarks of the Big East conference jumped ship south of the Mason-Dixon line to the greener (?) pastures of the ACC. The Orange and the Panthers, powerhouses in Big East hoops and also-rans (former) and quasi-contenders (latter) on the gridiron, will join Boston College, Virginia Tech and the U (we don't need to go there) as Big East defectors to the ACC, swelling the league to a robust fourteen (and growing) football programs.

Remember the hubbub about the ACC's pursuit of twelve teams for a conference championship game? You also remember the swaths of empty seats in Tampa every year for the epic VT-BC clashes? What "intrigue" will two middling programs (despite the decent NFL talent Pitt provides) add to a conference where football always played second fiddle to basketball?

Syracuse and Pitt have been perennial flag-bearers for Big East hoops, along with UConn and Louisville at the first tier. Now, they will fight for the scraps Duke and UNC leave from their throne on tobacco road. They can kiss whatever exposure they had at New York City from games at Madison Square Garden (from Johnnies games and the Big East tournament) goodbye, and apparently will be treated as "bridge(s to) the geographic gap between Boston College and the rest of the conference." I'm not sure the Carrier Dome will be packed for tilts with Wake Forest and NC State.

So when the gerrymandering and posturing is done, college football will have its 64 teams lined up neatly in four conferences, setting up championship games and de facto playoffs. Somehow, college basketball will get taken along for the ride, as the Big East will shrink (almost poetically) back into a band of Catholic schools (a reminder how ridiculous it is BC left to play games in the sunny and Protestant Bible Belt, I wish the Vatican would send them a reprimand) while the ACC becomes an unwieldly blob dominated by the states of Florida and North Carolina somehow trying to get eyeballs in the Northeast.

I'd be remiss not mentioning the odd relocation of TCU to the Big East, along with the possibility of Big XII leftovers Baylor, Iowa State and even Kansas (which would certainly boost the conference's basketball resume). The Big East, like the ACC, is also guilty of betraying their regional boundaries by already having outposts in Wisconsin (Marquette) and Illinois (DePaul). The unsavory world of tenuous conference affiliation made me think of a few questions.

The BCS can have its Super 64, but why do those member conferences also dictate basketball alignment? Why not let schools have multiple memberships? What have Kansas, Kentucky or Duke done to claim membership to BCS AQ conferences? Hell I can include UNC, whose only contribution to football the last 30 years has been LT. Why does the SEC outside of Kentucky bother to play hoops? The 64 best football programs (including Boise State and TCU) in America should play for BCS glory; the major hoops conferences should include teams that take basketball seriously. The four conference structure in a Super 64 would preserve regional rivalries pretty well, though schedules would still be diluted by the larger sizes.

This way Big East can remain the Northeast's hub for hoops (BC, Pitt, Syracuse restored, trim the fat west of Pitt) without being compromised by football poachings from the ACC. Kentucky and Kansas could form pretty nice conference of their own along with other decent programs in the middle of the country. This won't happen, and the only solace I can take from this debacle will be the possible swiping of FSU by the SEC, rendering the ACC to a football conference of VT on top of a pile of crap, including the U, for a long time.

15 Years Since Tupac's Supposed "Death;" L.A. Weekly Answers the Important Questions like What Would Tupac Eat? (W.W.T.E.)

L.A. Weekly (Village Voice's superior west coast cuzin) gets first-hand accounts from Shock G and Steele on what Tupac liked to eat.

And no reminisce on the One True Fallen G is complete without Ego Trip's classic 12 Pieces of Proof:


1. Photographs were never released of 2Pac in the hospital in Las Vegas after the reported “shooting.”
2. Despite a plethora of lyrics in which he rhymes about being “buried” upon his demise, 2Pac’s body was allegedly “cremated” the day after his “death.” Funeral services were canceled in both Los Angeles and Atlanta, and there was no viewing of his body.
3. In the video for the song, “I ­Ain’t Mad At Cha” (Death Row, 1996), released shortly after his “death,” 2Pac is presciently portrayed as an angel in heaven, thus suggesting that when he created the video he had already planned to stage his own “demise.”
4. For Don Killuminati: The 7 Day Theory (Death Row, 1996), released two months after his “death,” 2Pac adopted the alias Makaveli in homage to Niccolo Machiavelli, the late-15th ­century/early-16th century Italian political philosopher. Machiavelli’s treatise, The Prince, advocates the faking of one’s own death as a means of combating one’s enemies.
5. The title, The 7 Day Theory, reflects the chronology of ’Pac’s staged “death.” 2Pac was “shot” on September 7, and survived on the 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th, 11th, 12th, and “died” on the 13th.
6. At the conclusion of The 7 Day Theory, 2Pac is shot dead, also foreshadowing his own real-­life “assassination.”
7. In the video for “To Live & Die In L.A.” (Death Row, 1996), 2Pac is wearing the newest edition of the Nike Air Jordans. However, the shoes were not released by Nike until November—two months after his “death” in September. Also, in the video for “Toss It Up” (Death Row, 1996), 2Pac sports a pair of Penny Hardaway sneakers which were also not available until after the time of his “death.”
8. In the photograph for the ad promoting Fatal’s In The Line Of Fire (Relativity, 1998), Fatal and 2Pac are seen hugging in an unspecified location that resembles an exotic locale (perhaps Cuba), thus supporting the theory that 2Pac is in exile.
9. On 2Pac’s Greatest Hits (Death Row, 1998), ’Pac states, “Rest in peace to my nigga, Biggie Smalls,” at the opening of “God Bless The Dead.” 2Pac, however, was supposedly “murdered” six months before The Notorious B.I.G.’s death.
10. Bay Area rapper Richie Rich’s Seasoned Veteran (Def Jam, 1996), was released on the same day as The 7 Day Theory. On the 2Pac duet, “Niggas Done Changed,” 2Pac rhymes, “I’ve been shot and murdered/ ­Can’t tell you how it happened word for word/ But best believe that niggas gonna get what they deserve.” These lyrics suggest that 2Pac had planned his “death” to occur by the time of Seasoned Veteran’s release.
11. Bone Thugs-­N-­Harmony’s The Art Of War (Relativity, 1997) features a 2Pac duet entitled “Thug Luv.” At the conclusion of Bizzy Bone’s verse (1:15 into the song), his voice can be heard in the background chanting, “He’s alive, he’s alive, he’s alive.”
12. Real niggas ­don’t die.

-Woop-Woop- That's the Sound of (Grammar) Police: At Arizona State You Too Can Live Life To It Is Fullest

Peep the tattoo, sunn.
via uniwatch

Football, Amurica, JetsJetsJets, etc.

two from the vaults to sum up yesterday's action swathed in false patriotism. Anybody else feel healed by the first responder caps and sports action?

Panthro + Pantera = Panthrotera. Also, New One for EPLTalk.com, Club or Country?

-----

New column up at epltalk.com about choosing to root for club or country.

Why We Are Fat: Taco Bell $5 Box Versus a Bento Box aka America is Dying Slowly

Hey, I ate Taco Bell twice this past weekend.

I aint hatin', I'm just sayin'.

Two Recent Soccer Photoshops, Two Recent England Wins

England 3-Bulgaria 0

England 1-Wales 0

posted on epltalk.com

Mickey Mouse Miami Dolphins (and the real football team in Miami)

Appalling. Unconscionable. Incomprehensible. Mind-numbing. Deplorable. No, that’s not my response to the unraveling Nevin Shapiro investigation that set The U aflame. Instead, these words just begin to describe the absolute farce the Miami Dolphins scheduled for their tilt against the Denver Broncos on October 23rd. You read that right, the Miami Dolphins are honoring the 2008 (I was under the impression major sports anniversaries were held in multiples of five years) Florida Gators national championship team. Of course, the Dolphins chose their home game with the Broncos to honor the Gators because of a certain 3rd-string quarterback you may have heard of played a prominent role on that team. Many questions have to be asked:

-The Miami Dolphins associate with South Florida, a unique region in southeast Florida that encompasses the counties of Miami-Dade, Broward and Palm Beach. The University of Florida is located in Gainesville, over 300 miles north of Miami and even farther from a sociocultural standpoint. Miami is an urban, cosmopolitan hub in the generally low-density, homogenous South: I can’t speak for South Floridians, but I can say I am on an entirely different wavelength from my fellow New Yorkers in Syracuse, Plattsburgh, Buffalo and even Albany. Besides, UF isn’t even a big enough presence to transcend in-state regionalism like a Ohio State or a Michigan could. So how many non-alumni even associate with UF in Miami? I always scoff at Syracuse’s (and even Rutgers’) lame ad campaigns atop cabs claiming them to be “New York’s Team.”

-You could say the Dolphins are more than just taking advantage of an opportunity to use football messiah Tim Tebow as a cheap hook; a player of their own, rookie center Mike Pouncey will attend, along with other members as well as coach Urban Meyer. Okay, so where’s the ceremony for the 2005 National Champion Longhorns (hell, Texas isn’t far from the edge of the panhandle) when Vince Young rolls into town riding pine along with the Eagles?

-WWTD? What would Tuna do? You can bet your veal parm if he were still sheriff we wouldn’t hear a lick about this.

-This is what it’s come to for the Dolphins to draw fans? A ceremony for a college team? Why not honor the local rec league volleyball champs? As you may not be aware, attendance has always been a struggle for Miami, even for the playoffs. I was surprised at the relative ease at which I could procure a ticket (to their ill-fated wild card tilt against the Ravens in 2009) and that with visibly empty seats scattered throughout they still set an attendance record. They’ve already tapped out the cache of their lame-o minority owners and halftime concerts, so they’re back to the drawing board. They couldn’t employ the Heat maneuver, because Aaron Rodgers and Troy Polamalu weren’t on the market. Oh, and if you’re trying to generate fan interest during the offseason, I wouldn’t recommend wooing a college head coach while you already have one in employ and wind up returning empty-handed. So the Dolphins begin 2011 with both their coach and quarterback crawling back in. Hey, Don Shula looks good in those Nutrisystem ads, and Dan Marino always exudes a healthy glow and tan on CBS. Time to give ‘em a call and saddle up one last time.

-The Canes call Dolphin Stadium their home (unfortunately). How about some common courtesy for a roommate? Apparently, the Dolphins made an offer to U officials to have a 10th anniversary celebration of the 2001 title team, but the school understandably declined. Why tag along with other schools for some crappy ticket-grab the Dolphins are orchestrating? Besides, the U would probably like to lay low for a little bit anyway, given the circumstances.

And this is where I get really upset. That the Dolphins would do something silly is merely humorous. But I want an outcry from The U. It’s become increasingly apparent there is a massive void in leadership, based on the relationship Shapiro carried with school officials (including former AD and now Dolphin CEO Paul Dee and school president Donna Shalala) as well as the failure to compromise for a better fate to the Orange Bowl (how the hell did Jeff Loria dupe the now-ousted county mayor Carlos Alvarez into picking up the tab for his new playpen?). Now the ‘Canes wallow in mediocrity out in Bumblefuck, FL, regularly featuring swaths of empty seats during games on TV. They may as well prop up some bleachers and play on campus to larger crowds. While I’m confident the U won’t get the death penalty, I can pray Shalala will be shamed into resigning assuming the school gets a five-year bowl ban and scholarship reduction (entirely speculative on my part) and new blood can invigorate the once-mighty program. Gotta feel for Al Golden, but even knowing what happened to the U I'd make the departure from anonymity in Philly every time.

Given the outcry this story has generated locally, and the level of desperation the Dolphins are stooping to, this merely reinforces what I've always said about Miami: its a 'Canes town, baby.