The Grown Ups Starring Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, Kevin James, David Spade and Rob Schneider

 Could go with several taglines hrrr:
"The '90s called, they want their comedians back."
"The Comedy Version of the Expendables."
 "Men of a Certain Age: The Movie!" 
"Somewhere, Chris Farley is smiling. And farting."
It's not hard to imagine that if Chris Farley were alive he'd be there in place of Kevin James. Sort of how like Bill Murray's part in Ghostbusters was written and intended for John Belushi. Or how Jim Belushi travels the shitty casinos of the land reprising his brother's role with Dan Akroyd in a touring Blues Brothers. I aint mad at Kevin James tho, I paid damn good money to rent Paul Blart: Mall Cop. Although that beard is creepier than his prerecorded maniacal "Let's Go Mets!" chant at New Shea.

Meanwhile, The Expendables has been pushed back to an August release. Probably better for its Oscar chances than coming out now. I'll leave it to y'all to decide which is a better tagline; "Semper Fi-ght" from the Expendables or "Show No Merci" from From Paris With Love. (couldn't find an image but it's in the print ads).

 

 

Think they realized that "Two Agents. One City. No Merci" reads as "Two Agents. One City. No Thanks?" kinda like selling the Chevy Nova in Mexico.

David Patterson Vows to Stay in Office; New York is a Failed State; Open Primaries and Single Transferable Votes

Tell me, just how does my ass taste?

David Patterson, he doesn't deserve the formality of being called 'Governor,' has vowed that he will not resign his office despite his personal indiscretions and his far more serious complete inability to govern. "The only way I'm not going to be governor next year is at the ballot box, and the only way I'll be leaving office before is in a box," he said, defiantly. It would make for one farcical campaign. He can point to no achievement, major or minor, and he stands strongly on no issue save gay marriage, which is likely a subterfuge to draw attention from his complete lack of accomplishments and a State Legislature that openly defies him at every turn. Such dysfunction is nothing new. Joe Bruno, pictured above, was State Senate Majority Leader for 14 disastrous years until he was forced to resign in the face of corruption charges that he was eventually convicted of last year.

And he had the nerve to complain about his portrayal on Saturday Night Live

The poverty of New York State politics seems indicative of a failed state. When governmental institutions fail they must be taken over from the outside. Two prominent examples that come to mind are the consent decree entered into by the U.S. Department of Justice and the L.A.P.D. in 2000 that lasted for nine years. Closer to home New York State was forced to take over the City of Buffalo in 2003 to avoid the city becoming bankrupt.

Election reform is needed. Too many districts are 'dead districts' where incumbents or single parties reign for decades on end. Voter turnout in statewide elections continues to trend down toward nothingness. One interesting idea would be to scrap the 'winner-take-all' system we currently have for statewide elections in favor of a system that encourages more parties or at least more choice for each party. Bloomberg has called for "open" primaries. Really, why have primaries at all? If there are three great Democratic nominees for an office, and no great Republican ones, let them duke it out in November rather than having to duplicate efforts and elections. With more than two candidates on a ballot a 'single transferable vote' or 'alternative vote top-up' system could be implemented where voters could rank or weigh their choices.

Really, almost any change would be better than the current sytem of rampant corruption, disastrous budgeting, clandestine decision-making, voter apathy and criminal investigations of politicians years after the damage is done.

More Love for Punny

Democracy in Amerikka; Almost Every Major New York Politician is Unelected

Go Fuck Yourself

Nice little nugg in yesterday's NY Post on the sentencing of former New York State Assemblyman Anthony Seminerio to six years in the clink on corruption charges related to his "consultancy" work for area hospitals , work he carried out while still holding office. Seminerio was caught on tape saying to Assembly Speaker Shelly Silver, "I don't give a f--- [if] you close down every hospital in the city -- you leave my hospitals alone."

Worth remembering the state of New York politricks right now:
Governor-Unelected (Patterson replacing Spitzer)
State Comptroller-Unelected (DiNapoli replacing Hevesi)
Junior Senator-Unelected (Gilibrand replacing Hillary after months of dithering, chicanery and delay by Patterson, somehow we survived all that time only having one Senator)
New York City Mayor-Elected to third term by slim margin only after spending more than any campaign in history and overturning two public referendums on term limits through City Council backroom dealing.

Kinda stunning to see in print. I feel like this info should be put in a box and placed somewhere on the front pages of the NY Times, Daily News, NY Post and Newsday everyday. It's the kind of eye-opener that makes you question the very need for government. If the State Assembly and Senate were to disappear tomorrow, would New York City slide into the sea?

Life would go on, our garbage would get picked up, kids would get taught, cops would bust boombaclot heads, and train service would be nonexistent on weekends, while more than $6 billion of our tax dollars every year would continue to go to just pay off debt for past failures. When the State and City income tax go up, when the sales tax goes up, when every fine and fee goes up, when the subway fare goes up, when mysterious surcharges are added to the cost of every mundane parking ticket, when libraries are open five hours a day five days a week, when there are no crosstown buses, we have to ask if the people in charge tried their hardest to save, and we have to ask just who it is that's actually making the decisions over our lives. Maybe it all sounds a tad Tea Party-ish, but looking back up at the list of major unelected players should cause any person, regardless of party affiliation, great concern.

Zombie Football; Also EPL Talk's Premier Leage Footballer of the Week

If you're looking for a distraction at work or a diversion in general, I recommend a new flash game called zombie football. Minutes upon minutes of fun. Less to do with soccer, more with killing zombies.
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Also, I've designed a logo for a new feature at EPL Talk highlighting a player of the week. Those of you out there who like Arsenal may dig author Jesse Chula's characterization of the club as "beautiful passing gnomes."

More Big Pun Pictures

10th Anniversary of Big Pun's Death; I just lost a hundred pounds, I'm trying to live."

"I just lost a hundred pounds/I'm trying to live."

Like a prior generation with JFK's death, I remember exactly where I was when I learned of Pun's passing. I had just copped the Post from the deli in Broome and was walking up Centre past Hoomos Asli. Of course, the Post wrote the story up humorosly. And I admit, I kinda chuckled at the news. It wasn't exactly a surprise at that point as the word was that he was close to 700 pounds. A few years later, we saw him in his last film role in "Urban Menace," motionless in his chair in every scene, wheezing his words like a sad Don Corleone or Muttley the cartoon dog. Which makes the words and feeling of "It's So Hard" so poignant. No mention of Big Pun and his legacy is complete without the sad, shocking and infamous story of him pistol-whipping his wife.

There's no doubt that his brand of catchy, poppy street rap would have propelled him to great success in the 2000s had he lived. He had mainstream appeal, yet was so well thought of by true heads that myths multiplied about rhyme books he left behind. Fat Joe himself was forced to defend himself against allegations that he built his career on ghost-written Pun rhymes on the (sincerely) epic Ja Rule/Fat Joe/Jadakiss track "New York."

There's no doubt that Fat Joe enjoyed a late-career renaissance in the years following his one-time protege's passing. And there's no doubt that every rapper since that has parlayed street cred into mainstream club-bangers owes him a debt.

Bigger Oscar Change Than 10 Best Picture Nomininees.

The Oscar nominations came out this week. The big change this year was to double the amount of nominees to ten. The stated reasons for this change are to improve ratings and to reward more popular fare. The sports analogy would be to increase the amount of playoff teams. Every league has done this to varying degrees of success. The NCAA is currently considering a proposal to expand March Madness to 96 teams.

The risk is losing credibility. An award is only as strong as the respect it carries, lest an Oscar become a Spike TV award. Of course, the Oscars can't have much credibility left after awarding Best Picture to "The Departed." 10 movies are a lot to keep track of and compare to one another. What do "Avatar" and "The Hurt Locker" have in common besides directors who once boned? Seems as if the Golden Globes, in dividing movies into categories, do it better. By doing so, the Globes allow all kinds of movies to get their shine on without having to compare a well-done comedy to a well-done tearjerker to a well-done historical drama. Worth noting that the Oscars have historically completely excluded comedy and action movies.

There's a bigger Oscar change that's been given scant attention. Up till this year, every Academy voter made one choice in each category, the choice with the most votes won. This year, the Best Picture will be chosen by a preferential voting system wherein voters rank their best picture choices from 1 to 10. Under this first-past-the-post system, which is similar to voting in some parliamentary democracies, each movie will be ranked by the number of first-place votes, if one film has more than 50% of the votes in the first round then it is the winner. With 10 choices, this is unlikely, so then the movie with the least first-place votes is tossed and its voters will have their 2nd-place choices redistributed amongst the remaining movies.

Rinse and repeat until one movie gets past 50%. This could create a scenario where a movie wins Best Picture despite not being chosen 1st by the most number of voters. Or, as the LA Times pointed out, a repeat of the 2000 presidential election. Headache.

pics courtesy of Life Magazine

Baseball Hall of Fame Members Should Wear Blank Hats on Their Plaques

 

Lionel Richie played a mean right field.

Andre Dawson will go into the Hall of Fame wearing a Montreal Expo cap, as opposed to his desired Chicago Cub. The 'Spos have one other player in the Hall, Gary Carter. He didn't want to go in as an Expo either, but the Hall of Fame took the choice out of the players' hands a few years back in the wake of rumors that Wade Boggs was willing to take compensation to wear a Tampa Bay Devil Ray cap.

As players from the past 20 years begin to be considered for induction, the cap decision will only get harder. Players like Mike Piazza, Manny Ramirez, and Alex Rodriguez, amongst others, are strongly associated with two teams. Even where the choice is clear, stars change teams far more often than in the past. The only logical step is to have players wear blank caps. Or better yet, no caps at all. In light of some of the more garish modern hats (Blue Jays, Diamondbacks, Devil Rays, Astros and Brewers) it would certainly be more dignified. Moreover, just as players change teams, teams change hats far more often. Several teams wear as many as three different hats. Should Craig Biggio or Jeff Bagwell make the Hall, which of the thirty different hats they wore during their careers in Houston be immortalized on their plaque? Same question for Pudge and the Rangers. NFL Hall of Fame busts don't feature helmets. And, as seen in Joseph Tinker's plaque, not every player goes in wearing a team cap.

Larry from Three's Company

Somewhere, in an alternate universe, Larry from "Three's Company grew older, lost a little hair, got a little more gaunt, got his heart broken for the first and only time and cut this record.

News : Roger Federer is the Greatest Tennis Player of the Open Era; Also, Selleck Waterfall Sandwich.

R-Fedz has repelled wave after wave of challengers to his throne. His streak of semi-final appearances is absurd. Yesterday (I think), Federer repelled the more powerful Andy Murray, shining brightest in an epic third-set tiebreak, prevailing 13-11. The 2010 Aussie Open title is the 16th of his career, the most titles for men in the Open era. He's won on all three surfaces and has won all four Grand Slams. He's defeated many different kinds of players by employing the pin-point-placement artistry of a Greg Maddux. Or perhaps more like Ted Williams, cuz he hits the ball where they aint.

The only disappointment was in seeing the Melbourne crowd and ESPN's announcers get so clearly behind Murray. Rooting for the underdog is a natural inclination. But Federer is the kind of player we only see once in a couple of generations. We should enjoy him while he is here.
---
Also, props to Cannatar for finding Selleck Waterfall Sandwich. The anonymous artist behind these masterpieces of modern art should be applauded for staying so dedicated to his vision.

Gary Coleman Arrested; What Would Inspectah Deck Say?

Full props & pounds to Ego Trip for using the same line in one of their classic ads back in the day.

Happy Birthday Coachie!

Lawman Segal Out for Revenge, Donuts

After a hard day of work reading other people's emails, i sought to re-imagine my legal career via Steven Segal's new show, Lawman. While I can get usually my crime fix from MSNBC's "Lockup Raw: Blasted in the Ass by The Really Bad Guys in Indiana State Prison", A&E comes through with the goods on such shows as "The First 48", where hard nosed detectives acquire murder confessions from tweens duly misinformed of their Miranda rights, (by cop shows, natch) and appeals to "do the right thing" regardless of all the wrong that the system has done to them. But outrage soon overtook the gentle dreams that were hovering just out of reach.

When we are introduced to the Lawman, Segal is dressed in full cop regalia with high impact sunglasses, his jowls oozing over his collar. He and about ten cops in unnecessary SUV's drive by some people in the projects. They say "looks like some drug activity going on" (looks like friendly pounds to me) and promptly pull up, flash their lights, declare they smell weed, and cuff a young dunny while hurling harsh accusations. Said dunny gives a false name (the greatest offense of the night) and this predictably angers a cop. Then they look around and see his car nearby. They declare they smell weed and claim they see residue. They search the car throughly, and when they can't open the trunk, they call in a canine, which finds nothing as well. I would imagine a nice apology is in order for the blatant profiling, but instead, they get Lawman all over the innocent kid. They take the poor dood in for an unpaid parking ticket, but with the ominous voiceover music and b&w shots, you'd think he's gettin life. Segal doesn't try to defend the underdog, as his movie personna often does, instead murmuring assent to agressive tactics on innocents and confirming to excited arrestees that he is indeed, Segal. What's next, arresting the cast of the Jersey Shore for aggravated carb use, Bro?

R.I.P. Creepy Lady from Poltergeist.

Zelda Rubenstein, the creepy lady from Poltergeist, has passed away. She was also an early fighter for Aids awareness, featuring in a series of in-your-face ads like the one to the left.

3 Unsurprising Headlines

MetsBlog - John Smoltz Leaning Towards Cardinals
(why would a rational 43-year-old who has already made over $135 million choose the dysfunctional Mets over a clear playoff contender with one of the best pitching coaches in baseball?)

FoxSports - Mets' Problems Go Deeper Than GM Minaya
(the Mets are close to surpassing the Knicks as the worst-run organization in New York. Speaking of the Dolans...)

New York Observer - After Three Months, Only 35 Subscriptions for Newsday's Web Site
(actually, this is surprising - what could have possibly motivated these 35 people to pay for the Newsday website?)

Black and White Photography Master Don McCullin

Not much of a topical hook, but continuing yesterday's theme of incredible photographs here is some of the work of Don McCullin. McCullin is most famous for his war photographs, from Vietnam and from the Middle East in the 1970s. An interesting factoid is that he used very basic equipment, a Nikon 35mm camera, and avoided using a flash, which makes his black and white images all the more powerful.

Ominous Foreshadowing a la Tupac?

 

A gang named the Guv'nors. 

Why OPC needed to build Delta City.

Robinho Leaving Man City for Santos; May Play Against Red Bull New York in New Jersey in March

Got a column up at EPL Talk discussing Robinho's potential move home to Santos in Brazil. Interestingy, Santos is scheduled to play Red Bull New York in March in the opening game of their new stadium in Harrison, New Jersey.

Elegantly Wasted; Photos of Famous Alcoholic Writers

Life Magazine soldiers on in internet form, and remains incredibly valuable for its archives. They began, somewhat recently, to organize some of their photos into interesting sets. One such set is this collection of photos of famous writers who drank famous amounts of booze and tossed off delicious quotes such as "[toss your] balls to the sea.....if you have any balls left," and "[t]o smoke opium is to get off the train while it is still moving." Enjoy.

South Beach Loses Out On Jets Fans Coming to the Super Bowl; also, From West Ham United to West Ham Olympic?

You won't get any expert analysis here. Seemed like the Colts TD at the end of the half was the turning point. Had the chance to go into the half up 17-6. Super bummer. And super bummer for recession-batterered Miami-area restaurants and clubs which no doubt would have preferred an infusion of New York/New Jerz play money rather than a bunch of Hoosiers. Not saying Hoosiers don't party, but bro, let's just say, they don't walk into a club and kill it. 

And while I was rooting for the Saints in the afternoon-cap, that pass interference call in OT was complete nonsense. Forget whether the ball was catchable or not, the dude tripped over himself. Sudden-Death OT is meaningless if a bad call puts a team in figgie pudding range. Hopefully this game becomes the impetus for OT rule changes, at least in the playoffs. Let the opposing team at least get a touch.

Got a piece up at EPL Talk about the new owners of West Ham United and their ambitious plans.

Gametime Snaxx

Hariyali Chicken -- the leafy greens will go well with the Jets jerseys. Beware, eatching too much of this is entirely possible, and could leave you looking like Rex Ryan.

serves 4-6 (prep time 15 minutes, marinate time 3-4 hours, cook time 20 mintes)
approx. 1 lb boneless chicken breast (for veggies, firm tofu would work really well here too)
4 tbsp oil
1 cup yogurt (use Greek yogurt to save time on draining)
1 tbsp finely chopped garlic
1 tbsp finely chopped ginger
1 cup chopped spinach
1 cup chopped methi (fenugreek leaves, can eliminate if hard to find, but provide a bitter zing to the sweetness of the spinach)
chopped green chiles to taste
salt/pepper to taste

Wrap in yogurt in cheesecloth and drain for an hour (or use greek yog).
Rinse and dry chicken.
Prick with fork and cut into bite sized cubes.
Chop the garlic, ginger, spinach, methi and chiles and combine to a paste.
Mix paste, yogurt and chicken and marinate for 3-4 hours.
Get oil in pan to high heat, and add chicken. Once browned, reduce heat and cook until tender and done.
Serve with lemon wedges.

The green is for J-E-T-S!

Poll: Should Manchester United Have Kept Carlos Tevez?

Got a column up at EPL Talk asking that question.

Also, Gary Matthews, Jr.!!! -phew- Ok, now I'm sure we can all feel good about the Mets this year. Think he'll fit in just fine with this anemic lineup.

The NBA Should Let Both Teams Wear Colored Jerseys During Games

"My colors, my honor, my colors, my all
With my colors upon me one soldier stands tall"

Ice-T-"Colors"

Thursday night's Haves-Fake Show tilt was thoroughly entertaining; capped by a Charles-Smith-esque-sequence where LeG.O.D.D. stuffed Pau "Mr. Uglyman" Gasol, Gasol went up again and got stuffed by Sideshow Bob. The ball fell to Shaq who gave the quick outlet to LBJ. LBJ raced upcourt, paused at the arch, then blasted past three defenders for the layup. Ballgames.

Making the game more of a joy to watch was the visual contrast between the Haves' faux-throwback wine-colored jerseys with the 80's wordmark up against the now-diluted-but-still-classic Fake Show yellow. Compare the 80's Lakers jersey with the current edition. The side-stripes add only clutter while robbing the power of all-yellow. Plus they took away a cool number font. Meanwhile, the Haves, like the Mets, seem to have 15 different jerseys. But unlike the Mets, almost all their jerseys look good.

NBA teams are visually associated with strong colors. Celtic green. Laker yellow-and-purple. Chicago red. Knick blue-and-orange. Warrior blue-and-yellow (well, at least what they used to be and what they should be). Spur black. Hornet teal.  Philly red-white-and-blue. Sonic green-and-yellow (-sigh-).

The Association should embrace their colors and allow both teams to wear colored jerseys during games. Imagine the Celtics in green going up against the Knicks in blue. The Bulls in red going up agasint the Pistons in blue. The Suns in orange going up against the Spurs in black. The Magic in teal going up against the Heat in red.

The notion that the home team wear white and the road team wear colors dates back to black-and-white tvs. I think we can tell which team is which nowadays. White jerseys are a bore, at least in the NBA. Think about jersey sales, how many people to you see walking around in NBA replica whites? Exactly. The Lakers, with their home yellow, had the right idea all along. 

Will Ferrell Playing the Dude from Blue Oyster Cult Playing Soccer

Or Seth Rogen. via The Football Ramble.

Potential Oscar Nominee Mo'Nique's Hairy Legs

Fitty asked "How we gwon eat, man?" We aint, not after seeing this picture. Mo'nique may host a fine show on BET and may cop an Oscar for her role in "Precious," and she may be repping strong for real-looking women, but, pleez, shave or cover. Proppps to the Daily Mail for this scoop. Of course, some mens are down for that kinda thing. Just ask Barry Badrinath in "Beer Fest," "C'mon, I knew it the whole time!"

Bengie Molina's Contract Negotiation?

So the Mets offer two years and ten million dollars and Bengie demands three. Then he takes a one year deal from the Giants for less than five? Like his value will go up next year? Or does that put a value on not participating in the Coupon Family Three Ring Circus?

Stop me if you've heard this before

Rookie coach, rookie quarterback, breakout rookie tailback and stout defense carries upstart team to two road wins and a surprise appearance in the AFC Championship Game. Each team beat a flawed division champion in the wild card round before knocking out a conference heavyweight.

Of course, the magic ride ended for the Ravens last year in a solid -re: near cover- effort at Pittsburgh, and the Jets face the daunting task of knocking off the generation's best quarterback at his home barn. The only edge the Jets can cling to is the looming sense of dread that accompanies the Indianapolis fans and team at every playoff game: the ghosts of the Steelers, Patriots & Chargers linger even in the new building, and the keeping-the-Jets-alive-in-Week-16 angle has to gnaw on the spirit of the team. But there's no disputing the talent levels of both teams, unless Rex Ryan can concoct more and more complex blitzes while Jim Caldwell stares into Bolivian during the week.

One note about the franchise-altering tilt in San Diego: is there any sport in America -cannot speak for football overseas, but maybe this applies- that features such a direct link between the temperament of the coach and performance of the team? A baseball manager writes a lineup and pulls a tired pitcher. A hockey coach yells for shift changes. A basketball coach can psych out his own players, but a five-on-five game can be controlled by superior talent. But the vibes of a football coach are directly transferred to his players on the field, and there's no doubt the Chargers played like Norv, an impatient playcaller who loses his cool and never seems to come up with right play at the right time.

The Most Beautiful Stadium in the World

 Faroe Islands above, Portugal below

Big Uppps to This Blog Rules for compiling a list of the world's weirdest, and most scenic, stadiums.
Maybe New Shea should have been built as a floating barge that could be towed out to deep sea once the team starts sucking in August.

What Would Mangini Eat?

Mangini Dreamz.

I have a proclivity for rather strange dreams about the sporting world, like the one where I was pulled hastily from my job tending gardens to deliver the eulogy for my best pal, Sidney Ponson.

This Sunday morning I awoke around 7AM with a sudden start and in a cold sweat. The last I remember I was reading a "Jets Confidential" column in the Post which reported, "Now we can reveal Mangini's favorite sandwiches to order from Subway. Mangini was such a regular that he had unique code-names for his favorites. Mangini would order a 'Baps' which was a combo-footlong, with one-half being every lunch meat on the menu cooked until crispy and the other half being simple meatballs marinara. Mangini's other fave was 'Two Franks Wrapped Around A Frank' which was two Italian sausages split open and wrapped around a sausage marinara sandwich."

Now I can't go back to sleep.

The Man Who Killed Elvis Presley?

The UK's Daily Mail is a newspaper that gets the internet. Their website is easy to navigate and bursting with incredible, high-resolution photography. Content-wise, its American equivalent is the New York Post. The Post's website is amongst the worst out there. Part of it is Rupert Murdoch's general anti-internet philosophy. Rightly or wrongly, Murdoch doesn't believe that news content should be given out for free. His flagship paper, The Times, also has an awful website. Seattle-Seahawk-lime-green is not a good dominant color for a site. Still, no newspaper site has figured out how to place a graphically pleasing advertising skin over articles, a problem papers should have figured out five years ago.

Before I bore everyone with yet another rant on the future of newspapers, here's a typically great Daily Mail article about Elvis' drug doctor, who may or may not be responsible for Elvis' death. Some shocking revelations, including the fact that Elvis may have used liquid cocaine to cure a sore throat. Most newspapers wouldn't bother with one picture to accompany an online article, the Mail blesses us with 8. They get it. An article on Fat Elvis should show Fat Elvis. Enjoy.

New York Mets, A.K.A. Clippers East

The only thing missing is a racist landlord owner, but who knows what skeletons the Coupons have in their real estate closet. Funny thing is both teams had their heydays this decade around the same time in 2006, but have returned to punchline status now. As the injuries mount, the names start to blur together: Livingston, Reyes, Griffin, Beltran, etc. At least the Mets own their crappy, depressing venue opposed to the Paper Clips' renter status at the Office Supply Center.

Rest assured, Beltran's injury will not deter me from pounding the Mets' under, because that's just the tip of the iceberg. I just hope both the Knicks and Rangers can make some noise in April in order to make the Mets totally and deservedly irrelevant.

Adidas Review By a Pal on ESPN

A friend of ours has another review up at ESPN's Soccernet.

News Flash: Mark McGwire Admits to Using Steroids, Only Person He Owes Apology to is Mark McGwire.

I feel bad for Mark McGwire. I honestly do. Mark McGwire does not owe us an apology. He should not have to go through what he is going through right now. The only person McGwire owes an apology to is Jose Canseco, in fact, the entire sporting media needs to apologize to Canseco, who was right all along. (it was earth)

On the other hand, Congress owes us an apology for wasting time and money holding hearings on steroids in baseball. A trip down the aisle of a local GNC would have been more productive towards discovering what modern training is about. It was shameful to see members of the sporting media bash players like McGwire and Rafael Palmiero for failing to divulge steroid use during Congressional hearings, forgeting, or ignorant of the fact, that many of their own media forebearers were victims of 1950s Red-hunting. Still waiting for a major media outlet, say a Sports Illustrated, an ESPN or a New York Times, do to an investigative piece on steroid use in the NFL or to at least opine strongly on the issue.

Which is not to say that I am against steroid use. I think the media has painted too simplistic a picture of "juicing." Many products that were sold in over-the-counter in stores like GNC as recently as the late 90s are now banned in pro sports. Hell, the Extreme Ripped Force I guzzled senior year, which helped me touch rim for the only period in my life, is now off the market because of the ephedrine it contained.

We all knew McGwire was supplementing his workouts with more than prayers and vitamins as he chased Maris' record. To demand that athletes play clean is to pretend that there is a idea of what clean is. Anything legal or FDA approved should be allowed, as Andro and HGH were.

On a somewhat related note, Mike Vacarro of the NY Post wrote a few weeks back that McGwire merits Hall of Fame inclusion. To me, it's a joke. McGwire was a one-dimensional player, Canseco was better.

Rex, & Jets Eat Up Cincy's Chili & Bengwads, Respectively

The confetti, fireworks and chili were all prepared by Mayor Bengwad's office in anticipation of his his fair city's football team's first playoff win since 1991. Unfortunately, he never foresaw his coach burning timeouts like napkins in a chili-eating contest and his quarterback overthrowing balls like someone put chili in his jockstr- I apologize, that's enough chili references for a month. Cedric Benson did his damnedest to keep his team in the game, but it was the Jets' offense that set the tone for the game with brilliantly designed and called plays by offensive coordinator Brian Schottenheimer -no doubt a good resume game to use for any future interviews- and execution from New York's offensive line, and young guns Shonn Greene, Dustin Keller and of course, Mark -eff you Pete Carroll- Sanchez. The defense did just enough to make life difficult for Mr. Ochocinco and old pal Laveranues Coles. Oh well, at least Rex can clean up all that extra chili Mayor Bengwad set up.

While no one should be throwing parades back here for a Jet squad that outplayed a flawed and peaked-too-early Bengal team, road playoff wins are still special -despite their frequency these days- building blocks for a young team and coach. Now Rex Ryan has to stay up all week matching up against a loaded Charger unit that is lethal passing the ball but won't be nearly as intimidating on the ground: Benson was much more threatening than a washed-up LaDainian Tomlinson and pesky Darren Sproles. That said, Philip Rivers is miles ahead of Carson Palmer, and can carve up any defense. But it's house money now. BRING IT ON!

Juwan Howard is Alive, Well, Starting for the Portland Trailblazers and just dunked over Chris Kaman

This one's for Eric Montross.

I don't believe what my eyes just saw.

Earlier this year I was slightly surprised and somewhat happy to see that Juwan Howard is still ballin in the NBA. Howard is a link to one of my favorite teams as a wee coachie, Michigan's Fab Five. Me and half the country.

Injuries to Greg "Alas, Once-Mighty Thor, You Have Failed Me, Your All-Knowing Father," Oden and Joel "Thrilla in" Przybilla have forced Howard into the starting role. Maybe. Fuck if I know the ins and outs of the Blaze roster, maybe this was the plan all along.

Which brings me to last Monday night's game, a mildly entertaining tilt between the Rip City Blaze and the Paper Clips fromt the Office Supplies Center (thanks Peter Vescey!) got a jolt of Juwan late in the first half when Howard reached back through the decades to fucking throw it down over Chris "It's Not O-" Kaman. Seriously, please beleee me, see for yourself.

BCS Title Game Between Texas and Alabama was boring; further proof that America needs college football playoffs

Well now, that wasn't so much fun was it? True, it got exciting there at the end, but 'twas mostly a snoozefest of sloppy play, dropsies and turnovers. Although who doesn't love a good bit o' ballhawkin'?

Would the game not have been as sloppy had they not had a month off? True, the absence of Colt McCoy changed everything, but it wasn't like 'Bama super-impressed. Here are the scores of the title games dating back to 1998.

2009: Bama 37-Texas 21
2008: Gators 24-OK 14
2007: LSU 38-Bucknuts 24
2006: Gators 41-Bucknuts 14
2005: Texas 41-USC 38
2004: USC 55-OK 19
2003: LSU 21-OK 14
2002: Bucknuts 31-Tha UUUUUUU 24 (2OT)
2001: Tha UUUUUUU 37, 'Brasky 14
2000: OK 13-Seminoles 2
1999: Seminoles 46-Va Tech 29
1998: Tenn 23-Seminoles 16

The two memorable games were the Vince Young epic and the Maurice Clarett epic, with special mention for Michael Vick putting on a show in their loss to the Seminoles. Would playoffs keep teams sharp and ready to play in a title game? Perhaps. Just one more thing we'll never know as long as the Sea-Doo dreaming maniacs are in charge of college football.

BCS Executive Director Bill Hancock Is Either Ignorant, Lying, Scared, or Dumb; Also, a College Football Playoffs Bracket Proposal

If the powers that be wanted to keep the Top Four Bowls separate, then they could spread Round 1 solely amongst them, creating double-dips like this year's Rose Bowl.

While the BCS Championship tonight at the Rose Bowl features two great teams, popular opinion seems to reside in favor of a playoff system. Raise your hand if you watched Georgia Tech and Iowa battle in the Orange Bowl, didn't attend either school AND had no money on the game. Hmph. To say nothing of, say, the Liberty Bowl (Arkansas over Eastern Carolina fool).

Yet the folks in charge continue to shove drivel down our throats. I saved a telling interview with Bill Hancock, BCS Executive Director, done by Dan Patrick in the Nov. 30, 2009 issue of Sports Illustrated because his answers were so galling.

Dan Patrick: Which season finishes better-college football or college basketball?
Bill Hancock: College football wins in six overtimes.
DP: Why do you say that?
BH: Because so many teams celebrate at the end. So many teams have such great experiences with the bowl games. It's an awesome thing. We need to keep that.

Somehow these bowls have survived for decades despite featuring middle-of-the-road teams, fails to answer how rearranging the top tier bowls, the Orange, Fiesta, Rose and Sugar into semi-finals and a final would affect the lesser bowls. Thankfully, Dan Patrick stays on target...

DP: But we can keep the bowls. Why not have a Final Four where three of the bowls determine the national champion?
A very fair question, watch Bill Hancock respond with the kind of gibberish which makes you either question his very sanity or want to huff what he's huffing.

BH: You know, I hear you, Dan, but the fact is, the bowl experience would not be the same. Great example: We were in Miami [getting ready for the Orange Bowl] and a Virginia Tech player injured his ankle riding his riding a Jet Ski. [Another time in Miami] an NFL team came in for a playoff game. They arrived on Saturday night, had their dinner, got up the next morning, played and went home. We've got college students at the beach for a week riding Jet Skis in our bowl system; on the other hand, you've got these NFL players there for 11 hours, playing the game and going home. Our experience is a lifetime experience, and it's much better.

The current system of meaningless postgame exhibitions must be preserved because our players are riding Jet Skis! JET SKIS!!! If we had a playoff system there would be no jet skis. But Bill, what if I told you that under a playoff system these young men could be zipping along in SEA DOOS? Also, I don't think that the fine young men who took part in the recent Humanitarian Bowl in Boise, Idaho got to ride Jet Skis.

DP: If you had a playoff over the Christmas holidays (ed note, there is holidays should be singular, unless he is referring to Armenian Christmas), you could preserve the smaller bowls and make some of the other bowls more meaningful. And you'd own the month of December. Why not do that?
BH: The problem with a playoff is who, what, when, where.

Aggghhhh, my brain hurts, so many questions! Four questions! So difficult So, so fwustating. Ok, let's see. Who? The top eight times. What? Thee Album. When? Round 1, the weekend before Christmas. Round 2 aka the Final Four, the next weekend around New Year's. Round 3 aka the Final, the first Thursday of the year, same as the BCS Title Game. And look, no class time missed! Where? Use the current top tier bowls, the Orange, Fiesta, Rose and Sugar and rotate Rounds 2 and 3 amongst them. Use Round 1 to spread the wealth to some of the lesser bowls such as the Cotton, the Peach, the Holiday and the Gator. Or use the top tiers again in Round 1.
DP: Let's say Cincy goes undefeated (Or Boise State or Auburn a few years ago or any number of examples). What do you say to the Bearcats when they don't get to play for the national championship?
BH: I was the director of the Final Four for 13 years, and I would say to Cincinnati the same thing I always said to coaches who were left out of the tournament or got a bad seed: "You guys had a great season, and you're to be congratulated for it."
This is why I'm not a reporter, at this point in the interview I would have reached across the table and give him a wedgie or fart over the phone. This man is not to be taken seriously nor afforded any respect.
DP: Yeah, but you don't make it in a field of 65, you have yourself to blame. An undefeated team is not going to miss the tournament. If you have a team like Cincy or TCU go undefeated and not play for the title, that's a flawed system.
BH: The problem you have is, What kind of a playoff? If you have six undefeated teams and a four-team playoff, two teams are going to be very disappointed. I'm just not sure-no, I know-we wouldn't gain much by going to a playoff.

Strikes me as the kinda guy who woulda told Kennedy, "The Moon??? Man, that's really far. Ugh, no thanks, our handy interstate system means that I can get from Gary, Indiana to Chicago in about an hour! And, besides, there's no Jet Skis on the moon." As usual, follow the money. It's about short cheese versus long. They're making money now. They would make untold amounts more with a playoff system, but they're scared of risking the guaranteed yellow cheese product they have now even though there's gouda out there. And as usual, it's not about the student athletes, the kids at programs shut out of the Top Two who deserve a shot at eternal glory, it's about keeping money in the pockets of bowl sponsors. Frankly, it's gross. And Bill Hancock should be ashamed of the words he's uttered, Dan Patrick raised good point after good point, and rather than engage in an adult conversation, Hancock talks about Jet Skis. That's all we need to know about the BCS side of the argument.

Jim Carrey and Will Ferrell in Jimmy Tango's Fatbusters, a lost Saturday Night Live Classic

Yes, there was a time, a loooong time ago, when Jim Carrey was actually funny. And it's kinda touching to look back and see the genesis of Will Ferrell's act of yelling nonsense. A long lost classic reclaimed from the either.

Now, if only we could get our grubby mitts on Will Farrell's second skit as Robert Goulet, "reeed ships of Spaaaaaain."

White Bengal Sighting?

Much to coachie's and frowner's chagrin, the Cincinnati Bengals didn't feel like competing last night and waved the white flag so violently that they resembled cousins with recessive genes. While the Bengal defense played an extremely vanilla game -no blitzes or exotic looks, why were so many runs made up the middle in the first half? And why did no Cincy receiver beside Coles show up? Do they realize it'll be cold and unpleasant on the field for their rematch? And was there any doubt a matchup of a possession receiver and shutdown corner eight years his junior would be a mismatch?