Is there such a thing as Jets pride?

The hunch - the beers - the jersey -- it says it all.

At least next year, our camo-hat-and-under-hoodie-wearing-walrus-stache-rocking-walking-man has this to look forward to...
that's right, our new stadium is an air conditioner.

Mets Hot Plate Report...

...because ownership at Chez Coupon are unable to afford a stove, oven or even microwave. Watch Omar add a dash of Vicente Padilla and a spoonful of Austin Kearns on minor league invites to a severely depleted Met bowl, and if he really impresses the restaurant's owner, he might be able to splurge on locally grown products Mark DeRosa and Jason Marquis. Of course, the big fish Omar prizes is Met-killer Joel Piniero, a spicy dish known to fizzle when put in the hands of the wrong pitching coach. Bon Appetit!

SOJ

I'm pretty sure an eight-year old playing Madden knows how to conserve timeouts better than Rex Ryan -though he isn't alone in the league, which is a little embarrassing.
I'm also certain players given a full week off will tackle poorly the next game.
I'm never surprised by the Jets finding new and exotic ways to lose each week.
I'm positive the Jets will have another losing record in the Meadowlands this season*.
And I am convinced by the Jets' long track record there and early returns by the Mets a very legitimate case can be made for a Curse of Shea Stadium.

Rex, have another burger (words from Joe Benigno reserved for Eric Mangini), go get a defensive coordinating gig somewhere and quit wasting everyone's time as a head coach. Maybe there is a reason you never got a job for so long.

*Just wait for the debut of SheaHey's! LOCK OF THE UNIVERSE, Sunday January 3rd against the Bengwads.

If we aint getting mathematics then somethin got to give

Bryman comes throo with an excellent analysis of LeBron's proposed jersey number change. LeG.O.D.D. has indicated that he will rock #6 next season, explaining, "My second-favorite player was Julius Erving, and he wore No. 6. I wore 32 in high school because Dr. J wore it at first. My first child was born on Oct. 6, it's my Olympic number, my second child was born in June."

A tad convulted but reasonable nevertheless. But the science of numerology is not to be trifled with by amateurs. Has LeBron consulted with professional practioners? Pros like Prodigy, "fuck the myths, the science of numbers is how I live, if we aint getting mathematics then something got to give." (free the P!) Or Ghostface, "it's manifested, the Gods work like appliances, dealing in my cypher I revolve around sciences." The ideas that the Five Percent Nation associate with each of the numbers 1 throo 10 are explained in Brand Nubian's "Allah and Justice." The number 6 is associated with "equality."

The number 7, as explained by the RZA in the Wu-Tang Manual, is Godly, and is often associated with the 5 percent who have a clue. The number 6, being one below God, is the earth, and is often associated with women. Under this interpretation, LeBron would be wise to avoid the number.

However, LeBron could be taking a page from Joe Girardi's book. Girardi took the number 27 upon becoming the Yanks' manager, symbolizing his quest to bring the thirsty axe-spray masses a 27th championship. LeBron could be recognizing that he has not achieved Godly status just yet, and will wear number 6 until such status is attained.

Either way, it is good to see LeBron shedding his Jordan idolatry. The search for an identity of one's own is an essential step on the path to maturity. As No I.D. titled his classic, "accept your own and be yourself."

A warning for LeBron tho, for through such research he will feel the joy and the hurt.

SuperBeef

Phil Mushnick is usually right on. He's right about how late start times are bad for the future of sports. He's right to attack greedy owners on PSLs. He's right to attack the WWF every time another superstar passes before their time. In Monday's column, he was wrong to state that Jimmy the Greek was fired for saying the same stuff that rappers like Jay-Z are embraced for. He cites how the Yankees' adopted Jay-Z's "Empire State of Mind," as an example of supposed hypocrisy because the song uses racially offensive language. He goes on to state, correctly, that Hovie's lyrics glorify violence, drug dealing and disrespect towards women.

The distinction that Mushnick fails to make is that Jimmy the Greek spoke for himself, while Jay-Z writes fiction set to music.

For whatever reason, the mainstream media holds rap to a different standard than other forms of pop culture. Robert DeNiro and Joe Pesci are not attacked for playing gangsters on film. Richard Price is not attacked for writing violence-soaked, offensive language-filled crime novels. More to the point, The Rolling Stones, Van Halen, Aerosmith and other bands whose music is used at sporting events, are not attacked for lyrics celebrating drug and alcohol abuse and general misogyny. Frank Sinatra and Liza Minnelli didn't lead the cleanest of lives, yet the Yanks play their music.

Unless we want to return to a world where Oscar Wilde is put on trial for obscenity or Pat Boone covers Little Richard's "Tutti Frutti" to make it more safer for impressionable white youth, then we should continue to allow artists in all forms of pop culture to express themselves freely.



It would be different had Jimmy the Greek written a work of fiction where a character expressed racist opinions. But he didn't. He spoke for himself at a time when he appeared on network TV as himself. CBS had every right to dismiss him. What the Greek said in real life is not the same as what Hovie says in song. Moreover, while some of Hov's lyrics are offensive, to ask the Yankees or any other sports team to not use songs by bands or artists that are not "offensive" is to ask them to use no music at all as you'd be hard-pressed to find a band or artist from the past 50 years of popular music who haven't offended someone at some time or another. Sean Salisbury aside, it's much easier to find unoffensive studio analysts.

My New Alarm Clock--Guaranteed to Wake U Up.

Veterans Day

Today is the 11th day of the 11th month. Unfortunately, Nike chose this week to unveil their line of "Pro Combat" college football uniforms. Besides being unusually dull (is that the best they could do with the bright colors of the U?), the use of the term "combat" and parking tanks on campuses at a time when we are still fighting two wars is unusually offensive. After September 11th there was chatter that do-or-die rhetoric in sports would fade away. It did, temporarily.

It's all the more offensive that Nike would use college kids for this campaign considering that the bulk and pain of actual war combat falls on college-age kids. Stay classy Nike!
Thanks to Uniwatch for the pictures.

Bern Baby Bern

If you could boil down the Mets ineptitude to just one sweet satin jacket..."Bernie, yeah, yeah, It's Me, Fred......Fred Wilpon, y'know, of Sterling Equities, listen, I'm looking to invest.....

Nothing in this post should be meant to imply that the Mets should blow a bunch of dough on John Lackey, Matt Holliday and Chone Figgins.

Image from Federal auction of Bernie Madoff's crap.

...And Justice for None

Got a column up at EPL Talk about the latest blatant dive in soccer.

Overheard in Malibu

A portrait of Gene Shalit as a young man.

I was playing Ultimate Frisbee this past Friday night (I know, I know). After one player let the 'disc' slip between his legs, another player, an esteemed Professor-of-Law at that, remarked, "heh-heh, reminds me of that play Bill Buckner made second base for the Cubs in the World Series."

Stupid Naming Rights

I've got a column up at EPL Talk that should be interesting even to non-soccer fans as it deals with the naming rights issue. While peeping around the corners of the internet for images, I came across this insane Colonel Sanders of KFC album. Could it be real? May we all someday know the happiness expressed by this family.

A MUST-PEEP

I beg you, please peep the video found in this article. This clip is about soccer, I know, but it is still a must-peep. First off for the insane Geordie/northeastern England accents, but more importantly, far more importantly, for the dude who appears at the 1:10 mark. Completely bizarre. Maybe he is a former pig who is the victim of a curse. Could star in a remake of Steve Martin's "Roxanne."

Sad...But True

Don Bigdoodo strolls the streets of Little Italy, like Don Homer before him, sampling donuts and basking in the glow of nailing the World Series. Don Biggz, like Frownie, was right. It's sad...but true. Only Homer Simpson dubbed in Italian could cheer me up.

Logo Trippin

I've designed a logo for EPL Talk's Podcasts.

Young Money Finna B Old Loot.

Brandon Jennings merits our respect. He said "Fuck You" to the corrupt college basketball and its enforced system of free labor. He said "Fuck You" to the Knicks for not doing the right thing and drafting him. And he says "Fuck You" to the corny Cribs idea of what wealth looks like.

A recent New York Times profile reveals that he pushes a Ford Edge. He lives in an apartment near the Bucks' training facility. Or as the Times put it, "far from downtown Milwaukee and its beckoning nightlife." I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked, off to souse their souls in the French Quarter, the Deuce, the Sunset Strip, the Tenderloin...and downtown Milwaukee. No wonder Todd "Who" Day of Paul's Burger Wall of Ill Fame never made it.

Jennings, through three games, is dropppping 22, 5 and 4 while the Bucks play feisty. Nor is the only rookie picked after the Knicks selection to be making meaningful contributions in the yung season. Ty Lawson, DeMarre Carroll, Chase Budinger and DeJuan Blair are all impressing. Meanwhile, here are Jordan Hill's stats thus far:

Shhhh, the Stallion is Sleeping

This is a stallion, resting. Majestic.

This is the Italian Stallion. He is 21 years old.

Danilo Gallinari is off to a blistering start, scoring wise at least. He's shooting 47% from the field, 50% from way downtown-YES! But how promising can his career be if he spends his bench time impersonating Larry Bird in his last days?

The Knicks have four youngsters worth developing. Of those, David Lee and Nate Robinson already seem to have reached their potential. Nate is an excellent off-the-bench weapon. David Lee could be as valuable to a team as Dennis Rodman and Ben Wallace were. Wilson Chandler could grow into a central role. Gallinari could be the next Wally Szczerz or Tommy Guggz.

Al Harrington is a swell guy who sells cheap sneakers. Larry Hughes has a winning smile. Chris Duhon looks tired. Jared Jeffries needs to eat a burger before he becomes Swizz Beatz. Darko's lasting legacy may be giving a name to fantastic blog. Jordan Hill is the guy who will represent our collective regret for not taking Brandon Jennings. Toney Douglas? He aint Sherm.

The team, ehhh, not so much. 1-4 and conceding 117 points a game. Their one win came Monday nite against a Hornet team has possibly the worst bench of any playoff team. There was a time when Byron Scott looked like the man DMX would age into. Jail hasn't ruined DMX' striking looks like it has so many others, but now he kinda resembles James Worthy.

With the Nets also off to an abysmal start, the race for the metro area's best team should be quite the schnooozer. At least they both catch love in Hov's generic latest, "Empire State of Mind." (remember, he stays hood but lives in Tribecks). Lebron will have quite the choice to make.

Talkin footie

New post up at EPL Talk on the debut of a Man United youngster.

Many Questions...

...but at least we have a definitive answer to "what should Mark Sanchez's nickname be?" Sanchize is corny and reminds me too much of Steve Francis. After last week's hot dog-gate and this week's over the top celebration -could he have held the ball any further off his body on the way to the endzone?- on his bootleg, it's absolutely appropriate Mark Sanchez -only John "Carlos BELTRON/Rafael FOURcal" Miller is allowed to call him SanCHEZ- shall henceforth be called "El Chorizo."

Meanwhile, if the Jets are gonna sign kickoff returners from the street, why not give Chad Morton a call? He must have as much left in his tank as Justin Miller does in his. And Larry Izzo must still be tending to his burn wounds.

What do the Lakers have to do to be loved in L.A.? And, Chris Erskine of the LA Times Fancies Beyonce and Enos Slaughters' Speed

Shocking results of an LA Times poll asking its readers, "Which is your favorite sports team?" At last check, with more than 13,000 votes in, USC came in at #1. Which is frankly lame because a college team should not be the fave of the second biggest city in the country. A city should not pin its sporting hopes and dreams on the shoulders of a bunch of unpaid kids. The Angels came in at #2, which I guess is kind of cool. The Lakers, coming off an NBA title and fully reloaded to win again, came in at #3, barely fending off the Galaxy #4, and UCLA, #5. The oddly unpopular Dodgers come in next, in a virtual tie with the Kings.

What gives with the lack of Laker love? Certainly it's not Clipper-Crazies, they came in with a strong 1% of the vote, groveling in the gutter alongside Chivas USA and the LA Sparks. Do glamorous Laker fans find Lamar's betrothal to the ugly Kardass sister unseemly? Do Randy Newman-crazed Laker loyalists hate rap music? Did the Rally Monkey fuck with the results? Do the Lakers need to grow Beckham beards?
I almost didn't see the poll, as I was wallowing in yet another chumpy column from a writer, Chris Erskine, who wrote the kind of observational drivel Andy Rooney would wipe his ass with.
Erskine writes of his love/hate relationship with baseball. "Baseball can be too much of a good thing sometimes. As if Beyonce were born twins." Can you fathom....two Beyonces!?!? Would Taylor Swift ever win an award in such a sexy world?
Baseball is too long for the man, "Hey, here's an idea: 100 games, seven innings each. I never said it was a good idea. Just an idea." You just know he thinks its a brilliant idea, but he cuts off the reader's initial negative reaction through Sophist self-effacement. Savvy.

The column should have ended there, on a high note, but with a clear lack of an editor's guidance, the musings meander on.

"I'm missing baseball already, this awful, splendid game--more fickle than life itself." Oh, I didn't realize that RANDOM DEATH was a daily part of baseball. But you know what? You just never know if a hard-hit ball will find the gap or a glove. Fickle-pickle.

"Baseball isn't a sport, it's a fetish." Like wanting to tickle Beyonce's inner thighs with your sandy mustache as your glasses fog up.

"New York is where the wild things really are. Fans there ought to have rabies shots." I didn't thinkc sheep with cell phones ould transmit rabies.

"Yep, 30 teams started the season and one (or two) are still alive. What other activity suffers casualties like this?" Oh, I don't know, hmmmm......MAYBE EVERY OTHER SPORT ON THE FACE OF THE FUCKING EARTH.

"If baseball were a song, Willie Nelson would sing it. If baseball were a country, it'd be invaded by Lichtenstein." If baseball were cereal, it'd be Grape Nuts. If baseball were tits, it'd be Marcy D'arcy's.
"Sure, baseball can be pure poetry: ivy on brick; mustard in your fingernails; Enos Slaughter sprinting back to the dugout just because." Enos Slaughter played his last game in 1959.

He rambles on to his insane childhood. "Suburbs were tougher then. The things we did with firecrackers would make a modern mother retch." And Beyonce cream. What a rebel. And Ersky, kids today are into sexting, sniffing glue and skateboards, oh, and not reading the paper.

Is there an end in sight? "So fret not, Dodger fans. Life goes on. These days, there dusts mites in my mustache and hints of winter in my knees...Pitchers and catchers report in about 100 days." Which is how long the season should be! What a great/awful idea!

Remember, the LA Times costs 75 cents a day and is shedding readers faster than Enos Slaughter sprinting back to the dugout. It's so easy for newspapers to blame their problems on the internet instead of ignoring the timeless rule; "content is king." People read sites like Deadspin partly because its free, true, but also because its content is funny and entertaining. Which is what a sports section should be.

Freddy & the Sports Guy

Understandably, Bill was running out of gas -I wonder if he occasionally has lapses on the blackjack table during late night runs- by the time I got him to write Sheed's tenet -that I take to heart everyday- but he should get credit for catching 'sobe' before correcting it. Major hat tip to coach for reminding me of one of my favorite quotes: I was prepared to have Bill churn out a Rocky quote, but the bar staff wisely instituted a five word limit to save Bill's wrist and sanity.

When told his spat with Mike was tearing me apart, he replied, "well he started it." Et tu, Francesa?