Friday, March 28, 2008

My Vocals Rip Thru Your Pele-Pele

As time flows wide it happens less and less but there was a time when almost every promising slashing guard with dunking flair was called "The Next Jordan." Remember "Baby Jordan" aka Harold Minor?

A similar phenomenon persists for every young Brazilian with a flair for plopping it into the back of the ol' onion bag. Here's the latest to be compared to Pele, a young G named Pato of AC Milan in action for Brasil this past Wednesday against Sweden. Confusingly, Brasil is in blue whilst Sweden is in yellow.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Just Fix It!

R-Fedz defeated Pete "Bland-as" Sampras in a turgidly-produced, awkwardly battled affair last night at Madison. Square. Garden.- -THE WORLD'S MOST FAMOUS ARENA!!!! Sorry, still a little out of it from having that phrase drummed into my skull over the entirety of the 3.5-hour broadcast.

3.5 hours! Perhaps you're wondering if such an epic length was because of an epic 5-set back-and-forth tenisgravaganza. Nope, a solid hour-long "pregame" which consisted of an ooooooh-viewing of the Davis Cup, the usual trotting out of Billie Jean King, who later turned out for the opening of an envelope in my office, and painful-painful interviews with the many celebs in the sellout crowd about their favorite Madison Square Garden--THE WORLD'S MOST FAMOUS ARENA!!!! moment. Nancy Kerrigan, looking eerily like Barbara Bush, mumbled something about all the history, hey did you know there's a show called Madison Square Garden- -THE WORLD'S MOST FAMOUS ARENA!!!-Vault showing clips of when important things actually happened at the Garden?

Remember the '69 Knicks? Remember the '94 Rangers? Remember the '84 Redmen? THEY DO! And they'll keep shoving it down our throats until Wee Jimmy Dolan stops rockin n rolling. AKA FOREVER.

The Tennis itself? -Meh- Clearly the fix was in. Federer flailed at every Sampras serve as awkwardly as Larry David taking a shit in the handicapped stall. He returned every ball right to Sampras like they were in an extended warm-up. There were moments of genuine skill, to be sure, but the slick surface didn't help induce any rallies.

The bigger story here is the proper marketing of tennis. Clearly, as evidenced by the 20,000+ in attendance who paid steep, steep prices, the hunger to watch live tennis outside of the US Open is there. But this production was lousy. Sampras came out to "Superman" music, (sadly, not Soulja Boy) while R-Fedz came out to the "Evil Empire" music. Bluntly, Sampras is an unlikable oaf, clearly the crowd had a difficult time getting behind him, even when he lamely exhorted them with "c'mon, this is not London! I want to hear you New York!" after the 2nd set.

Why shouldn't tennis be structured more like Boxing as they are both sports centered around individual personalities? Leaving the Grand Slam alone, tennis could sure use more 1-on-1 nights like this, just presented better and with more compelling matchups. How about a double-header, Federer-Nadal followed by Sampras-Agassi. Wait, round-robin, winner faces Ivan Lendl. Sponsored by Snapple Sport! Snap it up!

P.S. Ivan "Too hard to Handl" Lendl appeared in every US Open Final betwixt 1981 and 1989.

Friday, March 07, 2008


(A guest post about Cleveland-related events with a killer coda from Dick Gregory courtesy of Don Biggduda to add a little nutmeg to your Smoldering Theodore)

Bill Cosby came to some Cleveland suburb I've never heard of recently and told the black community to do their laundry or something...

Not too much out of the ordinary here. Cosby basically showed up and told everyone to grow up and get their shit together. I don't know why people go to listen to speeches like this. I guess if you have a deeply seeded suspicion that you're doing something really wrong with your life but just can't figure out what, the natural person to turn to is ... Bill Cosby? Aww what do I know. Maybe you'll come out of the thing with a clear understanding of how to sneak a delicious slice of cake while Felicia Rashad isn't looking. Whatevs.

There were however, a few amusing names in attendance. The pastor of the church that hosted the event is named Marvin McMickle (two Micks in one last name - an early St. Paddy's day gift for all). The article also quotes an area man named Homer Gates who dragged his twin sons Marvelous and Wonderful along when a snow storm had caused their school to shut its doors for the day.

Now if only the kids had belonged to the pastor. Cleveland, you unlucky hellhole - you could've been the home address of one junior pastor Rev. Marvelous Marvin McMickle. But that's why you frown the way you do, Cleveland. Bad breaks like these.

Oh yeah, the sports tie in (besides Cosby's lousy 1970 comedic recording "Sports" and the fact that Bill was himself a pretty decent athlete)...

No idea how long this link will last, but there's a excerpt below.

Cosby apparently hated all over Irish OT Dean Brown right before the poor kid's graduation...

"As the commencement speaker at Notre Dame in 1990, Cosby was invited to address the black graduates prior to the ceremony. With a 300-pound frame that helped Brown start at right offensive tackle throughout Notre Dame's school record 23-game winning streak in 1988-89, plus a persona that earned him the moniker "Big Happy," Brown was a conspicuous target for Cosby.
"What's your grade-point average?" Cosby asked Brown, who majored in business and American Studies and was a member of the choir. When Brown responded it was 2.5 (a B-minus to C-plus categorization), Cosby, an outspoken critic of the lack of educational excellence in the black community, shot back: "That's nothing."
He brought Brown on stage to engage in what observers called an embarrassing debate that shook Brown more than any defensive end from Michigan, Miami or USC ever did. As Brown tried to explain the balancing act involved in academics, being part of the nation's No. 1 football program, tending to family needs and extracurricular work, Cosby dug in even more.
"When we left there, (Cosby) said, 'I cannot be party to celebrating any result that has not been part of the very best effort to reach excellence,' " recalled William P. Sexton, vice president of University relations 15 years ago.
For some time, the impromptu meeting with Cosby had a profound, numbing effect on Brown, whose childhood was somewhat comparable to more famous teammate Chris Zorich's impoverished, single-parent background."

In other words, for a comedian, Bill Cosby is quite the disagreeable jerk.
I guess he's also a shitty tipper (

And speaking of dicks, since the frown has displayed a political bent of late, this one would've spiced up your little Cuyahogan primary right nice.
Mr. Gregory still brings the hammer.

That's all for now Cleveland. Smell ya later.

Big Dood