Morning Cup of O.J.

That Certain Henchman Look: Tony Hawk and the ill German (Russian) Henchman from Die Hard Alexander Godunov

 Tony Hawk (brah), with that Robocop-esque forehead, the glazed blonde hair fluffing out in the back. Looks like that type-ill Henchman from "Die Hard."
Alexander Godunov who had that "look." Stole the show in Die Hard, and was in "The Money Pit," which is Peter Griffin's famous and righteous response to his family's harping on him for hating on "The Godfather." Godunov passed before his time in 1995. A blonde-beefy  showdown with Dolph Lundgren will sadly never happen. His epitaph reportedly reads, "His future remained in the past." What does it mean?? A fan of Gatsby perhaps.

sandra bullock?

Bromeo and Julian Redux

Bromeo et Julian. Bro.

Too Fast For Love Too Furious For Forgiveness: Vin Diesel and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson in "Bromeo and Julian."

Over the Fucking Top

Hagar. Stallone. "The Winner Takes it All." We're all winners. via biz a few months ago.

Hustle Hard in 2011

Always Be Closing y'all.

Leslie Nielsen; It was All Good, Even Dracula Dead and Loving It.

 

Frank: It's the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girls dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day.
Jane: Goodyear?
Frank: No, the worst.  

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Frank: Wilma, I promise you; whatever scum did this, not one man on this force will rest one minute until he's behind bars. Now, let's grab a bite to eat.
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Vincent Ludwig: Drebin!
Jane: Frank!
Frank: You're both right. 
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Lt. Frank Drebin: Miss, I'm Lt. Frank Drebin, and this is Captain Ed Hocken, Police Squad.
Busty Female Shop Assistant: Is this some kind of bust?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Well... it's very impressive, yes, but we need to ask you a few questions.
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Lt. Frank Drebin: Oh, it's all right. I'm sure that we can handle this situation maturely, just like the responsible adults that we are. Isn't that right, Mr... Poopy Pants?
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Lt. Frank Drebin: That's the red-light district. I wonder why Savage is hanging around down there.
Captain Ed Hocken: Sex, Frank?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Uh, no, not right now, Ed.
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Lt. Frank Drebin: This is Frank Drebin, Police Squad. Throw down your guns, and come on out with your hands up. Or come on out, then throw down your guns, whichever way you wanna do it. Just remember the two key elements here: one, guns to be thrown down; two, come on out!
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Frank: It's a topsy-turvy world, and maybe the problems of two people don't amount to a hill of beans. But this is our hill. And these are our beans! (bonus points---Coup's yearbook quote!)
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My name is Drago. I'm a fighter from the Soviet Union. I fight all my life and I never lose. soon I fight Rocky Balboa, and the world will see his defeat. Soon, the whole world will know my name; Also Scenes From Venice Handball.

Drago Restaurant in Santa Monica.
FINally saw The Expendables........I guess I built it up too much in my head, it could never live up to my expectations. Arnold ruled, Dolph ruled, Stone Cold ruled, Stallone ruled. But Eric Roberts sucked and, ahhh, it just wasn't fun enough. 
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Saturday played 2 hours of intense American Handball against the Mexican Mister Miyagi pictured below. My man B-Town and myself lost a close first game, then beat him the next two. There's no big mystery to American Handball, especially the California 3-wall version. A savvy veteran like Mexican Mister Miyagi barely has to move if he's mastered hitting the ball in the right spot to glance off one of the side walls.  It's still fun but doesn't compare to Chinese. American Handball is like a bean-n-cheese burreetz, satisfying as mere sustenance, but Chinese Handball is like a chile relleno burrito--art.

 Dignity. This dog's owner has robbed him of it.

 This truck's grill is why They hate our freedom.

Aint nothing wrong with this tho;

Finally, Sunday was a big day, won the Chinese Handball Championship Belt back, convincingly, 9-4.

All Praise Due To the Quote Machine that Is Al K. Mza; also Carblows Blowtran

 New York City Stickball stopped handing out awards a few years ago, which is a shame, because the MZA's response to this horrific picture of Sly Stallone would have easily copped the quote of the year award:

"If biceps are guns would those be silencers?"
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In other, somewhat related news, Juan Uribe looks really, really old. The new Otis Nixon mayhaps.

 Taking a stab at Fred Coupon-Like Creativity (see Baynilla etc.); what about Carblows Blowtran?
 

Prince Harry First Pitch at the Mets Game, and Sly Stallone to Play John Gotti??

Sylvester Stallone, apparently putting aside the urgent pressure from me to make Rambo 5, Rocky 7 and Expendables 2, is in talks to play John Gotti in a movie, as reported by the Daily Mail. I love Stallone, but I don't think he has the chops to play someone as smoofy suave/suavy smoof as the Teflon Don. It's also a tuff physical fit. The Don was Dapper in a way far different from Stallone's machismo-ooze.

 Stallone leaving dinner in Bev Hillz with John Gotti, Jr.
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The Mail also featured fotos of Prince Harry, the one with hair in the family, throwing out the first pitch at the Mets game.

Look at all those ads scattered haphazardly about the place. But oh, that's right, Shea was tacky. What a joke. 

The New A-Team Movie Looks Terrible

 Derek Jeter's playing Murdock?

Also, Liam Neeson looks impossibly bored, almost...almost as if he's waiting for the check to clear.

C.T.C.

Nic Cage's Bel Air Mansion Put Up For Foreclosure Sale

"The reason I will not exhibit this picture is that I am afraid that I have shown in it the secret of my own soul."

"And man shall be just that for the ubermensch: a laughingstock or a painful embarrassment…"

"The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it, and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself, with desire for what its monstrous laws have made monstrous and unlawful."   

Who wants to buy Nic Cage's house? (No one.)

He had asked for $35 million and had found no takers. At the foreclosure it was put up for bid for $10 million but still no bites. Such were/are his money woes that he had six different mortgages on the house. The interior is described as "fascinating and bizarre" (compliments in my book). Unique touches include 300 comic book covers elaborately framed and hanging on the walls, a model train set on raised tracks a couple feet below the ceiling that circles the inside of the breakfast room and two bedrooms, a central "entertainment" tower, custom wine cellar, 35-seat home theater, six bedrooms, nine bathrooms and an Olympic-size pool. Former owners include Dean Martin and Tom Jones, so it's seen a lot of partying.

Rumble Fish, Raising Arizona, Moonstruck, Honeymoon in Vegas, Leaving Las Vegas, The Rock, Face/Off.

Where did it all go wrong? Oh yeah..."Not the bees! AHHHHHHH Ahgarbulagabah Oh no-my eyes! My eyes! AHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHhhhurgh!"

(Random side note: Neil LaBute, who directed In the Company of Men, directed the aforementioned Wicker Man remake and directed the upcoming Chris Rock/Martin Lawrence banger Death at a Funeral). 

New Futures Exchange Allows Investors to Invest in Movie Futures, short v long

Think "A-Team" is going to bomb? Think "Hot Tub Time Machine" will be a down-low hit? Knew all along that "Alice in Wonderland" would have the biggest opening ever? Now you can put your mozzarellll where your mouth is. Two new futures exchanges, one from Cantor Fitzgerald in NY and the other from a startup called Veriana Networks will soon debut that will allow studios to spread the risk that their movie will tank while allowing alternative forms of finance to flow into independent studios struggling to make their pictures. As reported in full by the LA Times.

Of course, what can go wrong when product producers become attenuated from the risks inherent to their business? Never get high when you got no supply.

George Peppard: An icon to boys and girls alike

Now that's a hunky chest

 I recently saw Breakfast at Tiffany's at a revival theater; having never seen it before. As I sipped on my bottle of smuggled-in wine (out of a coke cup-classy!), I got the feeling that I recognized the lead actor from somewhere. At first I thought it was Fred Gwynn, from The Munsters and My Cousin Vinny, but this guy romancing Audrey Hepburn seemed too handsome to be the same dude. Well, color me shocked to later learn it was George Peppard aka M.F.n Hannibal from The A-Team.

 

 

 Which got me thinking further, knowing that Coachette, like many other ladies, ranks Tiffany's as one her favorite flicks, and knowing how iconic Hannibal was for deryls my age and older, has any other actor played an iconic role for each sex? It'd be like Hugh Grant starring in Knight Rider or something. Or Molly Ringwald starring in Terminator.

 Of course, being a Natural Born Hater, I'm not down with this summer's big-screen A-Team relaunch. The appeal of the A-Team was in its jackpot casting, not in its premise. Liam Neeson is a fine actor and all, but it's all too gimmicky and stunty. To me, there are Shakesperean franchises, stories capable of being adapted with different actors and different contexts. Think West Side Story, Twilight or James Bond. Then there are stories which work well in only a certain time and place. And that's the A-Team, a story that worked only because of the actors in it and the context of the time it came out. Moreover, I question it's value as a brand, as it no meaning to anyone younger than ourselves save for that Mr. T was in it. 

To coincide with the new movie, a new line of A-Team comics is being released. From the looks of this cover it's waaaay to serious. Backstory and exposition not needed, Hannibal smoking a stog while B.A. blows some shit up is. George Peppard, R.I.P.

The Grown Ups Starring Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, Kevin James, David Spade and Rob Schneider

 Could go with several taglines hrrr:
"The '90s called, they want their comedians back."
"The Comedy Version of the Expendables."
 "Men of a Certain Age: The Movie!" 
"Somewhere, Chris Farley is smiling. And farting."
It's not hard to imagine that if Chris Farley were alive he'd be there in place of Kevin James. Sort of how like Bill Murray's part in Ghostbusters was written and intended for John Belushi. Or how Jim Belushi travels the shitty casinos of the land reprising his brother's role with Dan Akroyd in a touring Blues Brothers. I aint mad at Kevin James tho, I paid damn good money to rent Paul Blart: Mall Cop. Although that beard is creepier than his prerecorded maniacal "Let's Go Mets!" chant at New Shea.

Meanwhile, The Expendables has been pushed back to an August release. Probably better for its Oscar chances than coming out now. I'll leave it to y'all to decide which is a better tagline; "Semper Fi-ght" from the Expendables or "Show No Merci" from From Paris With Love. (couldn't find an image but it's in the print ads).

 

 

Think they realized that "Two Agents. One City. No Merci" reads as "Two Agents. One City. No Thanks?" kinda like selling the Chevy Nova in Mexico.

Bigger Oscar Change Than 10 Best Picture Nomininees.

The Oscar nominations came out this week. The big change this year was to double the amount of nominees to ten. The stated reasons for this change are to improve ratings and to reward more popular fare. The sports analogy would be to increase the amount of playoff teams. Every league has done this to varying degrees of success. The NCAA is currently considering a proposal to expand March Madness to 96 teams.

The risk is losing credibility. An award is only as strong as the respect it carries, lest an Oscar become a Spike TV award. Of course, the Oscars can't have much credibility left after awarding Best Picture to "The Departed." 10 movies are a lot to keep track of and compare to one another. What do "Avatar" and "The Hurt Locker" have in common besides directors who once boned? Seems as if the Golden Globes, in dividing movies into categories, do it better. By doing so, the Globes allow all kinds of movies to get their shine on without having to compare a well-done comedy to a well-done tearjerker to a well-done historical drama. Worth noting that the Oscars have historically completely excluded comedy and action movies.

There's a bigger Oscar change that's been given scant attention. Up till this year, every Academy voter made one choice in each category, the choice with the most votes won. This year, the Best Picture will be chosen by a preferential voting system wherein voters rank their best picture choices from 1 to 10. Under this first-past-the-post system, which is similar to voting in some parliamentary democracies, each movie will be ranked by the number of first-place votes, if one film has more than 50% of the votes in the first round then it is the winner. With 10 choices, this is unlikely, so then the movie with the least first-place votes is tossed and its voters will have their 2nd-place choices redistributed amongst the remaining movies.

Rinse and repeat until one movie gets past 50%. This could create a scenario where a movie wins Best Picture despite not being chosen 1st by the most number of voters. Or, as the LA Times pointed out, a repeat of the 2000 presidential election. Headache.

pics courtesy of Life Magazine

My Top 10 Movies of the '00s

--As the decade comes to a close, I'll add my Top 10 Movies to the discussion (here, here, and here). I'll preface the list by clarifying that these are my 10 favorite movies, not necessarily the 10 best.

1. Memento - This movie blew my mind when I first saw it, and still entertains me on repeat viewings. I saw it with the MZA, and we spent the rest of the night talking about the movie, trying to make sense of it all. I was still making sense of it days later. Awesome movie. I almost dressed as Leonard for Halloween last year, but got lazy.

2. The Royal Tenenbaums - This movie was full of fantastic characters, wonderful sets, and hilarious moments. And despite the absurdity of it all, you couldn't help rooting for Royal. Earlier today, I was explaining why I don't want to see Avatar, saying that amazing visuals and perfectly-crafted fantasy worlds don't really do it for me. Star Wars and The Lord of the Rings thrill lots of people because the films present such fully realized versions of other worlds. Those movies never appeal to me. I find the world we live in plenty fascinating, and I guess my brain just doesn't have time for more universes. On the other hand, I love movies that present very similar worlds to our own, but do so with just enough fantasy/whimsy/weirdness that they present beautifully visual, fully realized, slightly different versions of our own world. That's how I feel about Tenenbaums. It takes place in an American city and involves 20th/21st century humans, but it clearly doesn't take place in the real world. The slightly different world is put together with such care and attention to detail that it gives me the same feeling of awe and enjoyment that others must get from the care and attention to detail that goes into crafting Tolkein's Middle-earth.

3. There Will Be Blood - This movie is largely defined by an amazing performance by Daniel Day-Lewis. The best performance of the decade, I think. That alone probably gets it onto this list for me, but I thought the whole movie was pretty much pitch-perfect. And unlike others, I really enjoyed the bizarre bowling alley scene at the end.

4. Juno - Bryan and I walked out of this movie, went to Standings, and raved about it to any Smadbeck in sight. Our thoughts at the time were that the movie was flawless in the sense that there was nothing we'd change about it. I don't know about Bryan, but I still feel that way.

5. Mulholland Dr. - I have a secret. As many people know, I'm a huge David Lynch fan. I've seen most of his films, and all episodes of Twin Peaks. Most people assume that I've always been a Lynch fan, but that's not true. While I'd heard things and assumed I'd like his movies, I'd never seen any until Mulholland Dr. It's still my favorite, which may be a result of it being my first. I think Mulholland strikes the perfect balance for a Lynch movie. Lynch first started exploring the multiple identity issue in Twin Peaks, went further with Lost Highway, even further with Mulholland Dr., and ultimately too far with Inland Empire (which I still enjoyed, but it went a little too far in the no discernible plot direction). To me, the strength of Lynch's movies are the vividness of the individual scenes. Scene for scene, I think Mulholland is his most vivid movie. There are so many scenes that just seem so memorable to me.

6. Little Miss Sunshine - Most comedies pack a lot of laughs up front, but then gradually get less funny as the film shifts focus to resolving the plot. Viewers are never given any reason to really care about the comic characters, so they don't have any reason to care about the plot resolution. Little Miss Sunshine is the opposite. It's funny throughout, but most of the early part of the film is spent getting the viewer to care about the characters and their interactions with each other. And the plot logically builds to a fall-out-of-your-seat hilarious conclusion (I actually did fall out of my seat) that's funnier in a deeper way because you actually feel like you know the characters.

7. Million Dollar Baby - I understand the criticisms, but I really loved this movie. The first half was like a female version of Rocky/Karate Kid. The second half was so impactful because the movie had made me really love the characters during the first half. And there were three great acting performances. I was a little choked up at the end; the movie totally suckered me in. Yes, some of it was cliche, and a lot of characters were too purely earnest or purely evil, but sometimes it's okay to play the sucker and just enjoy the movie.
It also helped that unlike most people, I hadn't read anything about the movie and had no idea what was going to happen. I imagine the movie's very different if you know exactly what's coming.

8. Synechdoche, New York - I loved this movie. I felt like I needed to rush out and tell people to see this movie. In response to Bryan's list, Coachie criticized Synecdoche, saying "a movie must tell a story." I disagree. Yes, most movies tell a story. And it's pretty hard to have a drama without a story. But, that's because it's really, really hard, not because it's a requirement. This movie says a lot and gives the viewer a lot to think about without a story. It's about life and art, and says a ton about both without a plot.

9. Anchorman - For me, it was the best pure comedy of the decade (by pure, I mean a comedy that's really only concerned about making viewers laugh). Pretty much non-stop laughs when I saw it in the theater (although it does slow down at the end like most pure comedies). Tons of quotable lines. It seemed like for the next 6 months, pretty much everyone I knew was quoting this movie.

10. Kill Bill: Vol. 1. - A late addition to this list, after watching part of it last night. I'm a huge Tarantino fan. Pulp Fiction is my favorite movie of all time. He hasn't come close to that level again, but this was a really enjoyable flick with great stylistic visuals. Watching it last night reminded me how much I enjoyed it the first time. I felt Vol. 2 didn't quite measure up.

Honorable Mention - City of God (late cut from my list - definitely would be in my top 10 best of the decade, but after honest reflection, I realized it hasn't stayed in my brain as much as the 10 films above. Maybe I need to see it again), Batman Returns, The Dark Knight, No Country for Old Men, Requiem for a Dream.

Bryman's Top Ten Movies of the 2000s

Let the madness begin.