Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Go Play Inside

The Arena Football League is dead (Long Live the AFL2!!!). Amurricah loves football, but we are generally satisfied with college football on Saturdays and the NFL on Sundays. This is primarily why the many leagues that have come and gone over the years, such as the WFL, the USFL and the XFL, have failed. They tried to feed an over saturated market and tried to compete with the NFL on its own turf.

In fairness, indoor football was/is a decent idea. The AFL offered a product that was at once familiar and different. It brought football to smaller markets eager to watch a team of their own at prices families could afford. A few years ago I had the pleasure of meeting the AFL's commissioner, David Baker. Baker had presided over a period of major growth for the league, and at the time, 2006, it seemed like only better times laid ahead. He made the kinda forced analogy that AFL football was more like the football most people play in parks, I guess in his mind he thought those Brett Favre Wrangler ads were real. In any event, arena football wasn't the greatest, but judging by the decent crowds and decent ESPN ratings, it didn't deserve to fail.

Aside from Kurt Warner and Jon Bon Jovi gleaming teeth, the league leaves behind a treasure-trove of teams. Here are a few. Mourn them till u join them.

The common man does not appreciate the long days and tedious months that go into professional graphic design. The common man saunters into his local Modell's or Big 5 and demands a XXXXL shirt bearing the logo of his favorite squadron so that he may saunter around town flaunting his team affiliation. Meanwhile, an army of nearsighted, carpal tunnel syndrome affected, burrito-fed graphic designers hunch over their screen, squinting, using Microsoft Paint to painstakingly cut and paste the outline of Texas and curve the words "Dallas" and "Texans" around it. Actually, that's only half of this logo's story. Making the Texas state flag wave like that required bringing in Jet Propulsion Laboratory scientists and using NASA's backup servers. You have no idea how much processing power was needed to make that flag flutter just so. You ungrateful bastards.

This rare picture of Toucan Sam was taken after three days at Woodstock '94. Tripping balls on bad acid, raging on speed-cut cocaine and out-of-his-skull with euphoric rage after Primus' set.

aaaand Boom goes the dynamite. Butt seriously, simple always works best. Who wouldn't want this logo on the back of their teal Starter Jacket?
Not bad, not bad at all. Except, well, the logo already exists as that of the Shelby Cobra.
MATRIX: [reading about Boy George in a pop magazine] Why don't they just call him Girl George? It would cut down on the confusion.
JENNY: Oh, Dad, that is so old.
MATRIX: Ha Ha. You know when I was a boy and rock'n'roll came to East Germany, the communists said it was subversive.
[thinks and smiles]
MATRIX: Maybe they were right.
Hmmm? What's that? Oh, sorry, I was just trying to not let this piece of shit logo ruin my memory of an amazing movie.
"Haaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Yoo-hoo. Wanna play a little football sailor? You look like a natual tight end to me. Oooooo, are you wearing white after Labor Day? See ya later, alligator!"
Thankfully Drew Carey came along to set the record str8 on which Ohio town pumps KISS the loudest.
That would make a sick tattoo on my bicep...............bro.
(Sticky copies of Maxims litter the floor. P-Funks fill the ashtrays. The air hangs heavy with with the scent of Axe Body Spray. KTU blares loudly on the radio)."Bro, if you diss the Gladiatuhs one more time, I will gut you like the fuckin fish that you are."
"Eeeeeeeasy, bro, easy. Sip dis. Relax." (takes sip of Sparks). "You're right, I dunno why I tweaked. Let's go to the City and get laid."
I can't front on this one. It rules. It's the Fonz, in cat form, and he's stoned. I'd pay good money to watch a movie of this dude and the O.G., Heathcliff, go on a road trip and just chill the fuck out, discussing life in all of its intricacies in a droptop on the open road in between scenes of them throwing down in some honky-tonk saloon. It'd be the Y2K+9 "Easy Rider," or "Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man" 'cept a zillion times radder.

Thanks to Chris Creamer and Sportslogos.net for the logos.