Monday, August 03, 2009

Women's Tennis Superstars from Back in the Dizzay: Hot or Not?

Last week's most controversial Shea Hey discussion begets this entry. Marinate. I have combed the vaults, dug in the crates (D.I.T.C 4-eva) to bring you the Women's Tennis Superstars from back in the dizzay; to the innocent days when a classy product like Virginia Slims could endorse the biggest Non-Slam tourney at MSG. Now, no e-z task this, but....who is the hottest? And who--the nottest? Obvi, outside entries are ok.

UNNNNGGHH!!! Monica Seles. Frankly, the discussion should stop here. And clearly, time has been kind. She stole a young Coachie's heart at the Virginia Slims Finals back in 1991. Young S-Boomz was also thrrr, he led us on a successful mish from the 400s all the way down to the third row.
This here is Tracy Austin. A tad before my time. But a fave of D-F-Dubbs aka David Foster Wallace. Yowee! More tennis players should play in nighties.
The Shark knows you don't have to hunt in shallow waters. The hottest American?
A chameleon. Is it the, ummm, fierce competitor on the left? Or the creamsicle on the right? We'll call it Advantage: Agassi.

Is she daydreaming of Matthew Perry on the right?The Mza and Bryman both have their points. Basically she's a diesel Alyssa Milano. And while she had a fairly ruff patch in her life, she still got crazy paid at age 13, think about that the next time you consider artificial NBA and NFL age limits.
Mary Pierce. A forgotten queen. Formed one the more bizarre sporting couples with Roberto Alomar, especially in light of recent allegations. The O.G. candidate for Proactiv. But still, braydz for dayz.
Conundrum, Jodie Foster would be the obvi doppelganger to play Martina in her biopic (title? "Pleez Hammer, don't hurt 'em!" or "Iron Curtain Munching" (sorry)) but Jodie Foster is attractive. A riddle. But seriously, rispekt, she's still playing and kicking a lot of ass.
Hana Mandilkova. Nothing special. Nice Bad News Bears look here tho. And I think she may have screwed around with Bjorn Borg. And we know that only dipped his Swedish Meatballs in the finest.
The Swiss Miss. Paved the road for R-Fedz. Was I alone in my down-ness? Still down. Secretively saucy she-devil look to her.
Now here's a serious challenge. Gabriela Sabatini. It's crazy-bone-thugs that a babushka like Anna Kournakova was lionized when genuinely talented Amazonians like Sexy-Sabs were toeing the court. And she appears to have aged gracefully into Giada de Laurentiis, only the hottest chick in the saute game.

Finally, we have Arantxa Sanches-Vicario. I dunno. I'm strangely in the mood for a gyro tho.

Perhaps, in the interest of fair play, I will post a sequel featuring the starry racket-wielding studs of yesteryear. Personally, tho, I don't think there's much of a point. My mans Jimmy C has got that shit on lock:

If his rackets are on top of the bag, then what the hell is inside? Condoms? Coke? Champagne? The question, US Weekly style, is who rocked the bowl harder, Connors or Pete Rose?