Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Mickey Mouse Miami Dolphins (and the real football team in Miami)

Appalling. Unconscionable. Incomprehensible. Mind-numbing. Deplorable. No, that’s not my response to the unraveling Nevin Shapiro investigation that set The U aflame. Instead, these words just begin to describe the absolute farce the Miami Dolphins scheduled for their tilt against the Denver Broncos on October 23rd. You read that right, the Miami Dolphins are honoring the 2008 (I was under the impression major sports anniversaries were held in multiples of five years) Florida Gators national championship team. Of course, the Dolphins chose their home game with the Broncos to honor the Gators because of a certain 3rd-string quarterback you may have heard of played a prominent role on that team. Many questions have to be asked:

-The Miami Dolphins associate with South Florida, a unique region in southeast Florida that encompasses the counties of Miami-Dade, Broward and Palm Beach. The University of Florida is located in Gainesville, over 300 miles north of Miami and even farther from a sociocultural standpoint. Miami is an urban, cosmopolitan hub in the generally low-density, homogenous South: I can’t speak for South Floridians, but I can say I am on an entirely different wavelength from my fellow New Yorkers in Syracuse, Plattsburgh, Buffalo and even Albany. Besides, UF isn’t even a big enough presence to transcend in-state regionalism like a Ohio State or a Michigan could. So how many non-alumni even associate with UF in Miami? I always scoff at Syracuse’s (and even Rutgers’) lame ad campaigns atop cabs claiming them to be “New York’s Team.”

-You could say the Dolphins are more than just taking advantage of an opportunity to use football messiah Tim Tebow as a cheap hook; a player of their own, rookie center Mike Pouncey will attend, along with other members as well as coach Urban Meyer. Okay, so where’s the ceremony for the 2005 National Champion Longhorns (hell, Texas isn’t far from the edge of the panhandle) when Vince Young rolls into town riding pine along with the Eagles?

-WWTD? What would Tuna do? You can bet your veal parm if he were still sheriff we wouldn’t hear a lick about this.

-This is what it’s come to for the Dolphins to draw fans? A ceremony for a college team? Why not honor the local rec league volleyball champs? As you may not be aware, attendance has always been a struggle for Miami, even for the playoffs. I was surprised at the relative ease at which I could procure a ticket (to their ill-fated wild card tilt against the Ravens in 2009) and that with visibly empty seats scattered throughout they still set an attendance record. They’ve already tapped out the cache of their lame-o minority owners and halftime concerts, so they’re back to the drawing board. They couldn’t employ the Heat maneuver, because Aaron Rodgers and Troy Polamalu weren’t on the market. Oh, and if you’re trying to generate fan interest during the offseason, I wouldn’t recommend wooing a college head coach while you already have one in employ and wind up returning empty-handed. So the Dolphins begin 2011 with both their coach and quarterback crawling back in. Hey, Don Shula looks good in those Nutrisystem ads, and Dan Marino always exudes a healthy glow and tan on CBS. Time to give ‘em a call and saddle up one last time.

-The Canes call Dolphin Stadium their home (unfortunately). How about some common courtesy for a roommate? Apparently, the Dolphins made an offer to U officials to have a 10th anniversary celebration of the 2001 title team, but the school understandably declined. Why tag along with other schools for some crappy ticket-grab the Dolphins are orchestrating? Besides, the U would probably like to lay low for a little bit anyway, given the circumstances.

And this is where I get really upset. That the Dolphins would do something silly is merely humorous. But I want an outcry from The U. It’s become increasingly apparent there is a massive void in leadership, based on the relationship Shapiro carried with school officials (including former AD and now Dolphin CEO Paul Dee and school president Donna Shalala) as well as the failure to compromise for a better fate to the Orange Bowl (how the hell did Jeff Loria dupe the now-ousted county mayor Carlos Alvarez into picking up the tab for his new playpen?). Now the ‘Canes wallow in mediocrity out in Bumblefuck, FL, regularly featuring swaths of empty seats during games on TV. They may as well prop up some bleachers and play on campus to larger crowds. While I’m confident the U won’t get the death penalty, I can pray Shalala will be shamed into resigning assuming the school gets a five-year bowl ban and scholarship reduction (entirely speculative on my part) and new blood can invigorate the once-mighty program. Gotta feel for Al Golden, but even knowing what happened to the U I'd make the departure from anonymity in Philly every time.

Given the outcry this story has generated locally, and the level of desperation the Dolphins are stooping to, this merely reinforces what I've always said about Miami: its a 'Canes town, baby.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Capers Funnye: African-American Rabbi out the Chi. The Revolution Will be Circumcised

Know-the-ledge. Peeped this in Beverly Hills on an ill-fated bike ride across L.A.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

We are Old Volume 1,034: God Shammgod's son is a rising high school basketball star. Also, England Celebrate Becoming the #1 Test Cricket Team in the World with Mase.

NY Post with the story on God Shammgod's son, Shammgod Wells, a senior (!) at LaSalle. What's next, Felipe Lopez, Jr. going as the top pick in next year's draft? When's Majestic Mapp dropping babies?

A highlight from a Wall Street Journal profile of the original G.O.D.D. back in 2007:
"Food is another constant concern. Mr. Shammgod tries to eat all of his meals at Pizza Hut or McDonald's, Taiyuan's only two Western establishments. We ate at McDonald's three times during my 24-hour visit, my first visits to a Chinese Mickey D's. When he can't make it to one of those places, he sticks with rice and fresh fruit. Even Mr. Dixon, who speaks some Chinese and is fairly well assimilated, tries to avoid local cuisine. "They eat too much weird stuff," he says, noting that he follows the lead of a Muslim teammate at team meals because he won't eat dog.
Of interest only to the MZA, and he may not be all that interested. England whitewashed (brownwashed?) India in cricket, 4-0, to become the #1 ranked side in the world. While it's not all that impressive considering that only 10 countries play test cricket and only 4 or 5 of those play it well, the trophy is even worse. The #1 test team receives a ceremonial Mace. 

A Ma$e trophy would have been much hotter, as I present to you below. Lest you jest, both Frownie and Kanye rank Ma$e as one of the dopest rappers ever.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Why was I not informed about the existence of these commercials?

While we're on the subject of the NC two A today...

I found this while searching for "Goulet Red Ships of Spain." At some points during this video while not looking at the screen, I thought I was listening to Will Ferrell (the opening couldn't be any saltier). Kudos to the brilliant ad-man at ESPN for coming up with one of the most bizarre campaigns ever. I wasn't surprised to see Coach K awkwardly playing along in the crowd, but Rick (Francesa's chicken parm buddy) Majerus and John "I'll kick your (John Calipari's) ass!" Chaney make for amusing cameos.

At the very end, does he say "all the excitement of the Vegas, but without some bellhop fucking you for a tip!"?

With NBA armegeddon coming, ESPN will have the "only gig in town you sumbitches!" I'm imagining Will Ferrell in a rebuilt studio picking up where Bob left off. Make it happen.

Tha U

i fucking hate college football. only in america do we have to have these discussions about sports. and these fucking middle-aged white sports media people all outraged, like the morning host here in l.a., espn's colin cowherd. blaming the kids. for what? doing what anyone else in their shoes woulda done? oh, but that's right, in the white sports, like baseball, hockey, tennis and golf you can go pro outta high school, or before high school for tennis, and get paid, and party. Because that's what young entertainers do, party. Or do these middle-aged white sports-media figures not think that their favorite musicians partied; bruce springsteen, the stones etc. They'll pump Billy Joel at home and won't begrudge him the money or the partying or the d.u.i.'s. But black athletes? Getting paid?? Partying??? Making Reggie Bush give his Heisman back? Shove it up your ass.
And why is the NCAA penalty always on the future kids who had nothing to do with anything? Because the NCAA isn't interested in justice. It's a fucking pony show.
Simple solution without blowing up the rule book and without paying players. If a school fucks up, no bowl ban, no loss of scholarships, they keep playing, and every dime the school earns from its football games and its bowl games goes to other schools to pay for scholarships. Isn't the NCAA better off, morally and financially, if Ohio State, USC, and tha U play their games, stay in the spotlight, and earn money that goes to needy kids around the country?

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Get That Eddie Money Money.

Saw Eddie Money at an outdoor show in Burbank. Frank Stallone opened. And it was B.Y.O.B. Good times. Two pieces I made to commemorate the madness. p.s. Eddie's got more hits than a little bit.

Free Willie Nelson

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Deion Luwynn Sanders: Must be the money (Must be the money) That's turnin' them on

#1. When your middle name is "Luwynn" do you really need nicknames like "Prime Time" and "Neon?"
#2. Remember when Deion was a str8 G and not dressing like a fucking (literal) fairy to push DirectTV on us?
#3. "You're a real man, Deion." Fuck off, McCarver.
#4. The lyrics to "Must Be The Money"
Well all right
You know ever since I turned pro in 1989
When I signed the dotted line
People's strange!
'Cause things change
For the better and for the worse
So I called my momma and she said "Baby,"
(Must be the money)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
(Must be the money)
It's got to be good
(Must be the money)
I got people wantin' to be my friends
(Must be the money)
People I never knew
People I never thought about associatin with
I don't what it is
Talk to me
Check it out

Diamond Rolex, with 'gators on my feet
I got two pair for every day of the week
My hair is done, my fingernails too
Six buttons down and I don't know what to do

Must be the money (Must be the money)
That's turnin' them on
Must be the money (Must be the money)
You know I can't go wrong
Must be the money (Must be the money)
That keeps me lookin' calm
Must be the money (Must be the money)
That's got me rollin' on the strong

Limousines, in first class I fly
I'm livin' large and you know I can't deny (and my ride's)
A drop-top Benz when I'm with my lady friends
My truck's a six-four with my homie's makin' ends

Must be the money (Must be the money)
That's got me so tough
Must be the money (Must be the money)
I can't get enough
Of all the money (Must be the money)
These women fall in love
Must be the money (Must be the money)
When I'm kickin' it at the club

Flashing lights on the dance floor
The DJ says my name as I make my intro (and you know)
The place is packed, nowhere to find a seat
But Prime don't worry 'cause I'm sensin' VIP

Must be the money (Must be the money)
I got so much jewels
Must be the money (Must be the money)
Twenty-six with all this loot
Must be the money (Must be the money)
To afford the way I live
Must be the money (Must be the money)
When player's ball is at my crib

And if I make a better mansion on my land
Pools, jacuzzis, and my neighbor's can't stand
The way I live is oh so phat
I got two ladies and Prime Time is all that

Must be the money (Must be the money)
That's got me so strong
Must be the money (Must be the money)
That's turnin' them on
Must be the money (Must be the money)
You know I can't go wrong
Must be the money (Must be the money)
Come on ladies sing my song

The first thing people say is
Prime, don't let money change you
Don't let money change you
I say hey, don't let money change you
Because personally, It's gonna change my wardrobe,
My phone number, my address
Hey, my snakeskin shoes gonna change into gators
Hey, my library cards gonna change into credit cards
You know what I'm sayin'?
So don't let money change you

pic via uniwatch

Monday, August 08, 2011

Rock Aid Armenia 1989: Black Sabbath, Deep Purple, Pink Floyd Iron Maiden

Friend of mine got me this gem this weekend. 'Eavy.

Wimbley Stadium!

Monday, August 01, 2011

Mike "Big Fucking Pelf" Pelfrey Has Been Pitching, Poorly, for the New York Mets Since 2006


I realize Pelf had little to do with the outcome of this one, but still.