Shey Hey

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Just Fix It!

R-Fedz defeated Pete "Bland-as" Sampras in a turgidly-produced, awkwardly battled affair last night at Madison. Square. Garden.- -THE WORLD'S MOST FAMOUS ARENA!!!! Sorry, still a little out of it from having that phrase drummed into my skull over the entirety of the 3.5-hour broadcast.

3.5 hours! Perhaps you're wondering if such an epic length was because of an epic 5-set back-and-forth tenisgravaganza. Nope, a solid hour-long "pregame" which consisted of an ooooooh-viewing of the Davis Cup, the usual trotting out of Billie Jean King, who later turned out for the opening of an envelope in my office, and painful-painful interviews with the many celebs in the sellout crowd about their favorite Madison Square Garden--THE WORLD'S MOST FAMOUS ARENA!!!! moment. Nancy Kerrigan, looking eerily like Barbara Bush, mumbled something about all the history, hey did you know there's a show called Madison Square Garden- -THE WORLD'S MOST FAMOUS ARENA!!!-Vault showing clips of when important things actually happened at the Garden?

Remember the '69 Knicks? Remember the '94 Rangers? Remember the '84 Redmen? THEY DO! And they'll keep shoving it down our throats until Wee Jimmy Dolan stops rockin n rolling. AKA FOREVER.

The Tennis itself? -Meh- Clearly the fix was in. Federer flailed at every Sampras serve as awkwardly as Larry David taking a shit in the handicapped stall. He returned every ball right to Sampras like they were in an extended warm-up. There were moments of genuine skill, to be sure, but the slick surface didn't help induce any rallies.

The bigger story here is the proper marketing of tennis. Clearly, as evidenced by the 20,000+ in attendance who paid steep, steep prices, the hunger to watch live tennis outside of the US Open is there. But this production was lousy. Sampras came out to "Superman" music, (sadly, not Soulja Boy) while R-Fedz came out to the "Evil Empire" music. Bluntly, Sampras is an unlikable oaf, clearly the crowd had a difficult time getting behind him, even when he lamely exhorted them with "c'mon, this is not London! I want to hear you New York!" after the 2nd set.

Why shouldn't tennis be structured more like Boxing as they are both sports centered around individual personalities? Leaving the Grand Slam alone, tennis could sure use more 1-on-1 nights like this, just presented better and with more compelling matchups. How about a double-header, Federer-Nadal followed by Sampras-Agassi. Wait, round-robin, winner faces Ivan Lendl. Sponsored by Snapple Sport! Snap it up!

P.S. Ivan "Too hard to Handl" Lendl appeared in every US Open Final betwixt 1981 and 1989.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Why I Don't Eat Wendy's.

Friday, March 07, 2008

DISPATCH FROM DON BIGGDUDA

CLEVELAND YOUTHS, MARVELOUS AND WONDERFUL, LATEST TO TASTE COSBY HATERADE.
(A guest post about Cleveland-related events with a killer coda from Dick Gregory courtesy of Don Biggduda to add a little nutmeg to your Smoldering Theodore)

http://blog.cleveland.com/metro/2008/03/bill_cosby_challenges_clevelan.html

Bill Cosby came to some Cleveland suburb I've never heard of recently and told the black community to do their laundry or something...

Not too much out of the ordinary here. Cosby basically showed up and told everyone to grow up and get their shit together. I don't know why people go to listen to speeches like this. I guess if you have a deeply seeded suspicion that you're doing something really wrong with your life but just can't figure out what, the natural person to turn to is ... Bill Cosby? Aww what do I know. Maybe you'll come out of the thing with a clear understanding of how to sneak a delicious slice of cake while Felicia Rashad isn't looking. Whatevs.

There were however, a few amusing names in attendance. The pastor of the church that hosted the event is named Marvin McMickle (two Micks in one last name - an early St. Paddy's day gift for all). The article also quotes an area man named Homer Gates who dragged his twin sons Marvelous and Wonderful along when a snow storm had caused their school to shut its doors for the day.

Now if only the kids had belonged to the pastor. Cleveland, you unlucky hellhole - you could've been the home address of one junior pastor Rev. Marvelous Marvin McMickle. But that's why you frown the way you do, Cleveland. Bad breaks like these.

Oh yeah, the sports tie in (besides Cosby's lousy 1970 comedic recording "Sports" and the fact that Bill was himself a pretty decent athlete)...

No idea how long this link will last, but there's a excerpt below.

http://sports-boards.net/forums/archive/index.php/t-40548.html

Cosby apparently hated all over Irish OT Dean Brown right before the poor kid's graduation...

"As the commencement speaker at Notre Dame in 1990, Cosby was invited to address the black graduates prior to the ceremony. With a 300-pound frame that helped Brown start at right offensive tackle throughout Notre Dame's school record 23-game winning streak in 1988-89, plus a persona that earned him the moniker "Big Happy," Brown was a conspicuous target for Cosby.
"What's your grade-point average?" Cosby asked Brown, who majored in business and American Studies and was a member of the choir. When Brown responded it was 2.5 (a B-minus to C-plus categorization), Cosby, an outspoken critic of the lack of educational excellence in the black community, shot back: "That's nothing."
He brought Brown on stage to engage in what observers called an embarrassing debate that shook Brown more than any defensive end from Michigan, Miami or USC ever did. As Brown tried to explain the balancing act involved in academics, being part of the nation's No. 1 football program, tending to family needs and extracurricular work, Cosby dug in even more.
"When we left there, (Cosby) said, 'I cannot be party to celebrating any result that has not been part of the very best effort to reach excellence,' " recalled William P. Sexton, vice president of University relations 15 years ago.
For some time, the impromptu meeting with Cosby had a profound, numbing effect on Brown, whose childhood was somewhat comparable to more famous teammate Chris Zorich's impoverished, single-parent background."

In other words, for a comedian, Bill Cosby is quite the disagreeable jerk.
I guess he's also a shitty tipper (http://cityrag.blogs.com/main/2005/10/cheap_celebriti.html).

And speaking of dicks, since the frown has displayed a political bent of late, this one would've spiced up your little Cuyahogan primary right nice.

http://www.blueoregon.com/2008/02/dick-gregory-ap.html
Mr. Gregory still brings the hammer.

That's all for now Cleveland. Smell ya later.

Big Dood

Monday, February 04, 2008

GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-MEN

Well, the G-Men won the day, and I kinda feel like the opening to this video, aka insane:

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Another crack-ah!

This move has since been banned . Imagine what Kid N Play could have done.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

SURPRISE!!!!!

In absolutely stunning news, the MTA has announced that they are cancelling plans to build "Downtown's Grand Central." The New York Post's Steve Cuozzo has been all over this sad story from day one. No one who has followed the trials and tribulations of post-9/11 construction downtown should be surprised by this news.

But nor is anyone outraged. In today's apathetic political climate, the vast silent majority care nothing for issues big (Iraq) or local (Alan Hevesi winning an election despite corruption charges comes to mind). This allows our elected leaders to get away with doing absolutely nothing. George Pataki slithered out of office last year with Ground Zero still a massive hole in the ground. Nigh on 8 years later shouldn't Pataki be confronted with his colossal failure to build anything, a memorial, something, every single time he shows his face at a public event?

Of course, in New York State, our elected leaders can always pin the blame on our quasi-independent public authorities. It's a fair point, and worth discussing in the future. The main point for now is that $900 million will go down the drain without adding an inch of track to our subways. Dozens of viable small businesses who kept going through 9/11 were evicted, in the name of us, the public, in order to build the grand station you see above.

Now we will likely be left with a subway staircase attached to the side of a massive condo tower sold to a developer at a bargain rate. We all know that the only condos get built in this town. The 7-train extension to the far west side? The 2nd-avenue subway? the LIRR connection to Grand Central? Moynihan Station? The Freedom Tower? A 9/11 memorial?

Could the money earmarked for the unnecessary Fulton St. Hub have gone to speed up the MTA's myriad capital projects that make weekend subway travel confusing and long? We'll never know. And as long as our papers don't make these stories front-page news and as long as they don't ask the simple questions that can shed some light on Albany we'll continue to never know.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

What a Crack-ah!

Monday, January 21, 2008

Live the Dream

Sorry America

Wranglers and a Banquet Beer Woulda kept him warm.

Hello America:

Terribly sorry about that game yesterday in Green Bay. The Giants overcame a phantom holding call on that Bradshaw TD. They overcame the collective will of Joe Buck and Troy Aikman. They overcame the collective will of every sportswriter and sports pundit. The Giants have prevented you all from enjoying two weeks of the Hyperbole-HyperBowl. Two weeks of slobbering over Brady's cleft chin, his dreamy eyes and that toussled hair that you just wanna run your hands through before collapsing into the surf at Provincetown, tummies full of chowder and a heart bursting with joy/lust but on the verge of breaking beacuse you know that a beauty like his cannot be contained by one lover, not even in one sportswriter, but it is a beauty that must be shared with the world. A beauty that should be nourished with SmartWater.

Two weeks of slobbering over that eternal 11-year old who snuck onto the field at Lambeau 14 years ago and never looked back. Two weeks of daydreaming about that Peter Pan running around carefree in your backyard in your safe, comfortable gated community, slinging passes in the snow that break fingers whilst clad only in snug wrangler jeans, k-mart boots and a Lee Fogerty shirt. Two weeks of dreaming that you were staring into that dazzling white smile worthy of Lawrence Welk wrapped in a mischevous smirk worthy of Dennis the Menace. That scamp. Two weeks of daydreaming of that eternal 11-year old replacing your own awkward, unworthy and grossly overweight sons who do nothing but sit around texting each other about getting more Mountain Dew and Elio's Pizza Bagels when not playing World of Warcraft or yanking it to Hannah Montana.

Sorry football fans who were looking forward to cheering for the All-American Heartland Pack against Dr. Evil and the Hateriots. Sorry Peter King. Sorry Bill Simmons. Sorry Tuesday Morning Quarterback. Sorry Dr. Z. Sorry Chris Berman. Sorry Joe Buck. Sorry Troy Aikman. Now you gotta cheer for a New York team, for beer that's sold 24 hours a day, for alcohol that's not sold from a state-run ABC store, for booze sold on Sundays, for fast-talking 47th St. Photo and not Best Buy, for San Loco not Chipotle, for a schmear of lox on bagels and for Seinfeld. Sorry if you're resentful over New York City's dominance of the media. Sorry if you just plain don't trust big cities what with their mechanized forms of underground transport where you can't pick up Rush Limbaugh on the AM dial. Sorry the Super Bowl won't be one big Aw-Shucks Dream-White-Boy Circle Jerk.

Hey, there's still Tom Petty at halftime.