Tuesday, October 27, 2009

I Wanna Dip My Balls In It!

This here is a portrait of no one's main man Trent "I'll Shoot You In Your Mutherfuckin' Face" Tucker.* The walking, stalking definition of "quiet as kept." He'd chill, cop not quite a mill, then, when you least expect, he'd drop a gem on you If Chuck Person was the "Rifleman," then Trent was the "M.F.'n-Mack-10-Man," str8 spraying your shizzy up. The NBA had to change its rules because of the man, and, in keeping with David "Peep the Union I'll Burn, Strokin my beard while my dredyl steady turns" Stern's M.O., no trace of Trent Tucker video highlights may be found.

This season starts in Trent Tucker's spirit. It has come out of nowhere, with no fanfare save a Sports Guy preview not up to his usual caliber, tho he can be forgiven due to his mammoth and eagerly anticipated basketball bible coming out. Much like its sister, the NHL, the baskets campaign is far too long. And by sisters, I mean like the difference between Kim and Khloe Kardashian.
The 1999 50-game season is much-maligned, particularly by the aforementioned Sports Guy. But it was perfect. This time around, the season starts a little sooner than its traditional Halloween start, and for once, I'm glad. Half-speed who-cares October hoops will provide a welcome distraction from the inevitable Yankee onslaught. Plus, no more dreary eastern conference hoops for my tanned ass, strictly exotic west-coast-is-the-best-coast action. I will miss the free 'za and random Smadbeck bros. sightings at Standings during hoops season. In my memories its always pouring buckets outside and I always stop at one slice.

In closing, may we all face life's challenges as hungrily as Rick "The Need for Feed" Mahorn.
*Nickname coined by NedStarr


cannatar said...

That post almost makes me want to watch basketball.

I went to Standings two Fridays ago and there were no Smadbecks whatsoever. What a ripoff.

Fred Coupon said...

I wonder if SG already has a Blake Griffin disaster column ready. This stuff writes itself. On that note, I hope to see him on his book tour.

I expect to see you schmoozing with Penny and Billy C courtside at Paper Clips scrimmages. Maybe you can dispense advice to 1930s Big Band conductor, er 1930s gangster, um Clips coach/GM Mike Dunleavy.

So many questions:
Is this WS one of primary reasons you moved to Fraud Central, USA? Do you have Biff's sports almanac?
Where does Kourtney fit in the sport/sister food chain?

coaches said...

kourtney fits in the middle, like a the tomato in a ham and cheese sandwich, nice if its there, not crucial.

i am right next door to the office supply center, maybe i can cop some 10-bean clip-tix.

standings without a smadbeck is like harold melvin without the blue notes.

http://www.ehow.com/members/stevemar2-articles.html said...

I like your mention of Trent Tucker. Today is the 20th anniversary of his miracle shot off an inboounds pass with .1 left in the game. His basket won the game for the Knicks, and they defeated the Chicago Bulls.

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