Ron Artest Makes Craig Saeger Rep for Q Boro Mad Thoro

 From a bricked three to the game-winning put-back after an athletic sunning of Jason "My Jersey Number is As Uninspired as My Nickname" Richardson, Ron "The Hardest" Artest is E-Z to love.

After the game Craig Saeger tried getting all serious downer talk about RonRon's failed three with a full 24 to dribble out.

Artest: "Say Queensbridge."
Saeger (sheepishly): "Queensbridge."

Artest out.

Up there with Manny receiving his 2004 World Series MVP.
“I love you, I love you."

Also, "Thunder" Dan Majerle is a Dunns assistant coach.

The No Garlic No Onion Revolution

No Garlic. No Onion. Is it too much to ask? I don't think so. Somewhere, Chez Boomz is aghast.

The New A-Team Movie Looks Terrible

 Derek Jeter's playing Murdock?

Also, Liam Neeson looks impossibly bored, almost...almost as if he's waiting for the check to clear.

C.T.C.

Super Bowl in New Jersey with Steve Serby-Bot T2000

Frankly, it's hard to get too worked up about the Super Bowl being awarded to New Jersey. It's one of those events that have absolutely nothing to do with us. It's like when the All-Star Game was in the Bronx two years ago, the Biz and I got a couple of those drawstring backpacks out of it from a booth outside Grand Central, that was the extent of our engagement.

Of course, the media went into apocalyptic fits about it, because they are always ravenous for something, anything, to talk about. But for all the radio hours, all the reams of newsprint and all the squinting at screens, there is only one column to read on the issue.

It comes from an ED-209-esque out-of-control Steve-SerbyBot T2000. From today's Post: (Note, two lines are not from today's column)
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Babe Ruth happened here.

Twenty-seven Yankee championships happened here.

Sinatra happened here.

Chesley Sullenberger happened here.

The ball drop on New Year's Eve happens here.

Trump happens here.

Letterman happens here.

Me dipping my balls in a Chinatown whore's unwanting mouth happens here.

Everything big happens here.

Finally, the Super Bowl happens here, Super Bowl XLVIII in 2014, and you can't spell justice without the i the c and the e....

We never really cared weather or not the wimpy killjoys and fear-monger naysayers favored the idea of a Supe BRRR Bowl. They have officially been frozen out of the conversation...

Showtime. Or Snowtime. Our time.

Brett Favre. Jet Favre. Broadway Brett. Super Brett?

Vintage New York City Stickball Photos

Vintage both in age and in the Bizman's gussying up of them in photoshop. The Schoolhouse one is amazing.

I shaved

Once I realized I would never reach this level (Beach Boys bumout) my beard came right off:

One day.

Welcome to the Terrordo----errr, Shea Dome

 From the always-excellent Uniwatchblog.com, the mid-1960s proposal to turn Shea Stadium into a dome. Would have been super-strange. And considering how poorly domes across the country aged, could have hastened Shea's replacement. Thankfully, many powerful people rose up in opposition to the plan, including William A. Shea himself, based mainly on the argument that the baseball fan deserves to watch a game in the fresh air.
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What's the over/under on Johan Santana's win total this year? 13?
I can picture the scene last night in Santana's hotel room.
3AM. Tossing and turning. Can't get the thought of staying in Minnesota out of his head. Competing for a title every year. Wasting the tail end of his prime and beyond on an embarrassment of a team. He turns to his left he sees Virgil. He turns to his right, Ted DiBiase. He bolts out of bed, runs to the bathroom to splash water on his face, he looks up into the mirror and sees Bone Thugs N Harmony singing ominously, "Foe da love of money."
He calls Beltran, first thing they exclaim in unison, "You had the same dream?!?!?"

This Time We're Gonna Win

(Would have embedded this, but it cut off the right side, and it deserves better.)

Killin's as easy as breathin'.

Awesome Wedding DJ Gets Super-Down with Phil Collins

When you're feeling it, you're feeling it.

Don Fabio Capello and the Return of Jose Mourinho in Puppet Form

Got this image posted at eplTalk.com today in a piece by Jesse Chula about England's World Cup squad selection.

Also, absolutely fantastic news reported by eplTalk that "Special 1 TV" featuring Jose Mourinho, Wayne Rooney and Sven Goran-Eriksson in puppet form hosting an absurd talk show, is returning with new episodes this summer. Puppets make me laugh, going back to the days of "Spitting Image."

Basement Jaxx "Where's Yoru Head At?" Sample of Gary Newman "M.E."

Color me naive, but I'm always shocked when to hear the source sample of ill beats. Always figured more work went into it than just speeding it up and fucking with the EQ (whatever that is, but apparently Dre broke new ground with EQ on "Aint Nuthing but A G Thang")
Here's Gary Numan's "M.E." the source for the massive Basement Jaxx banger "Where's Your Head At?" The breakbeat is the essence of hip-hop while the bass is stone cold.

Beautiful But Mandatory New New York State License Plate

It's been a general downhill slide for New York State license plates, from the simple orange-with-blue lettering of the late 70's/80's to the white-with-Statue-of-Liberty-in-the-middle of the 90's to the bland hard-to-see montage/mish-mash of images that's in current use.

New York State is now forcibly fazing in these beauties over the next two years. The color scheme is a tad-off, looking more like West Virginia or Michigan, but the use of color is heartily applauded, nothing is more anonymous or bland on the road than white.

Of course, this being New York State, the plate's introduction is being used as an excuse for revenue generation. In a time of great economic duress, rising taxes and fees, all drivers will be required to purchase the new plates when their registration comes up, with an extra fee to keep your current number. Stay Classy, Governor Shelly Sil---er, Patterson.

Download Free World Cup eBook featuring Simon Kuper, Tommy Smyth, Rebecca Lowe and others

 Including cover artwork by yours truly. Free downloadable e-book available at eplTalk.com
Remember,

Ron Isley and Keith Sweat Mother's Day in el Bronx, Drogba and Ronaldo are Hottt in Vanity Fair, and UK Tory Leader David Cameron Looks Like a Fish in a Condom

Putting the Va-Va-Voom back in Va-Va-Various. More Rando than Rondo. Disparate Delights.
---

First up, good to see that disrespected and unappreciated legend Ron "Mr. Biggs" Isley is out of prison and back performing. He'll be bringing it this Mother's Day Sunday alongside Keith "Let's" Sweat at the Paradise Theater on the Grand Concourse in the Boogie Down Bronx. Frankly, Isley & Sweat deserve to be crooning their bangers somewhere more bigtime, but hey:

Who can love you like me? (nobody) Who can sex you like me? (nobody) Who can treat you like me now, baby (nobody) Nobody, baby (nobody) And who can do it like me? (nobody) And who can give you what you need? (nobody) Who can do you all night long? (nobody) Nobody, baby (nobody)

And if you need to chill the fuck out on a Friday afternoon, here's Ron, Ernie (the master) and the rest of the Bros. taking you on a Voyage to Atlantis. Just wait for that opening riff. Wait for it.....there it is....ahhhhhh....

-------

 Speaking of ahhhhh, here's the new Vanity Fair. Didier Drogba and Cristiano Ronaldo, letting it all hang out. Helllllloooooo, Sailor! Quite the contrast here. Drogba, frankly, looks uncomfortable, maybe cuz his Frank isn't up Ronadlo's Portuguese  Pepperoni. Poor job by VF here. With this kinda manmeat they could have produced some real amazing pics. But the lack of context, gray drapes in a studio with two studs wearing briefs/70's swimtrunks, makes the whole shebang cheap and contrived. Get them poolside!

--------

 The U.K. held their election on Thursday. Two things to admire about their system; the campaign lasted 4 weeks and third parties, as well as fourth and fifth, actually have a say. Worth mentioning again that almost every democracy in the world is a parliamentary democracy. It's just us and Mexico enjoying our State rights. Fuck Thomas Jefferson. Alexander Hamilton gave us the Post, 'nuff said. 

Anyhoo, in the UK, no party achieved a majority, resulting in a "Hung Parliament." Raunchy. 

The Conservatives are led by David Cameron, a slimy, P.R.-created modern machine. A cartoonist named Steve Bell savaged Cameron with this cartoon, comparing him to a fish wrapped in a condom:

 

Starting Lineup NFL Action Figures

Submit nicknames better than Offerballs, win a No-Prize.

 Even Mini-Bernie's plastic dome is greasy. The dude in the middle looks like Bob Golic from Saved by the Bell. Maybe it is.

Ingenious Insurance Scheme for Paris Metro Fare Beaters; Lignes gratuites

The fine for evading the fare on Paris' Metro system is 72 euros, or around $94. Methods include jumping high to tap an exit sensor, slipping in behind paying custies (suckers), or good old-fashioned turnstile hopping. Some smart Parisienne hustling monsieurs ("I, how you say, stay on my grizz-lay") have banded together to put together an insurance scheme. Each member chips in around $7 beans a month, should that member get busted, his fine is covered in full.

Sure beats having to pretend one is taking a gnarly dump on the LIRR like some fine-feathered members of our croo.

Then there is L.A., which all but begs you to not pay. You see, there are turnstiles, but they are not locked. You may enter as you please. One must have a ticket on you at all times and be prepared to show a valid ticket if asked by a random inspector on the rails. But as Coups and I learned after a looooong day of subway travel in and around downtown L.A., aint no one getting all up in your bizness asking for no papers. This aint Arizona.