Rex, & Jets Eat Up Cincy's Chili & Bengwads, Respectively

The confetti, fireworks and chili were all prepared by Mayor Bengwad's office in anticipation of his his fair city's football team's first playoff win since 1991. Unfortunately, he never foresaw his coach burning timeouts like napkins in a chili-eating contest and his quarterback overthrowing balls like someone put chili in his jockstr- I apologize, that's enough chili references for a month. Cedric Benson did his damnedest to keep his team in the game, but it was the Jets' offense that set the tone for the game with brilliantly designed and called plays by offensive coordinator Brian Schottenheimer -no doubt a good resume game to use for any future interviews- and execution from New York's offensive line, and young guns Shonn Greene, Dustin Keller and of course, Mark -eff you Pete Carroll- Sanchez. The defense did just enough to make life difficult for Mr. Ochocinco and old pal Laveranues Coles. Oh well, at least Rex can clean up all that extra chili Mayor Bengwad set up.

While no one should be throwing parades back here for a Jet squad that outplayed a flawed and peaked-too-early Bengal team, road playoff wins are still special -despite their frequency these days- building blocks for a young team and coach. Now Rex Ryan has to stay up all week matching up against a loaded Charger unit that is lethal passing the ball but won't be nearly as intimidating on the ground: Benson was much more threatening than a washed-up LaDainian Tomlinson and pesky Darren Sproles. That said, Philip Rivers is miles ahead of Carson Palmer, and can carve up any defense. But it's house money now. BRING IT ON!

Juwan Howard is Alive, Well, Starting for the Portland Trailblazers and just dunked over Chris Kaman

This one's for Eric Montross.

I don't believe what my eyes just saw.

Earlier this year I was slightly surprised and somewhat happy to see that Juwan Howard is still ballin in the NBA. Howard is a link to one of my favorite teams as a wee coachie, Michigan's Fab Five. Me and half the country.

Injuries to Greg "Alas, Once-Mighty Thor, You Have Failed Me, Your All-Knowing Father," Oden and Joel "Thrilla in" Przybilla have forced Howard into the starting role. Maybe. Fuck if I know the ins and outs of the Blaze roster, maybe this was the plan all along.

Which brings me to last Monday night's game, a mildly entertaining tilt between the Rip City Blaze and the Paper Clips fromt the Office Supplies Center (thanks Peter Vescey!) got a jolt of Juwan late in the first half when Howard reached back through the decades to fucking throw it down over Chris "It's Not O-" Kaman. Seriously, please beleee me, see for yourself.

BCS Title Game Between Texas and Alabama was boring; further proof that America needs college football playoffs

Well now, that wasn't so much fun was it? True, it got exciting there at the end, but 'twas mostly a snoozefest of sloppy play, dropsies and turnovers. Although who doesn't love a good bit o' ballhawkin'?

Would the game not have been as sloppy had they not had a month off? True, the absence of Colt McCoy changed everything, but it wasn't like 'Bama super-impressed. Here are the scores of the title games dating back to 1998.

2009: Bama 37-Texas 21
2008: Gators 24-OK 14
2007: LSU 38-Bucknuts 24
2006: Gators 41-Bucknuts 14
2005: Texas 41-USC 38
2004: USC 55-OK 19
2003: LSU 21-OK 14
2002: Bucknuts 31-Tha UUUUUUU 24 (2OT)
2001: Tha UUUUUUU 37, 'Brasky 14
2000: OK 13-Seminoles 2
1999: Seminoles 46-Va Tech 29
1998: Tenn 23-Seminoles 16

The two memorable games were the Vince Young epic and the Maurice Clarett epic, with special mention for Michael Vick putting on a show in their loss to the Seminoles. Would playoffs keep teams sharp and ready to play in a title game? Perhaps. Just one more thing we'll never know as long as the Sea-Doo dreaming maniacs are in charge of college football.

BCS Executive Director Bill Hancock Is Either Ignorant, Lying, Scared, or Dumb; Also, a College Football Playoffs Bracket Proposal

If the powers that be wanted to keep the Top Four Bowls separate, then they could spread Round 1 solely amongst them, creating double-dips like this year's Rose Bowl.

While the BCS Championship tonight at the Rose Bowl features two great teams, popular opinion seems to reside in favor of a playoff system. Raise your hand if you watched Georgia Tech and Iowa battle in the Orange Bowl, didn't attend either school AND had no money on the game. Hmph. To say nothing of, say, the Liberty Bowl (Arkansas over Eastern Carolina fool).

Yet the folks in charge continue to shove drivel down our throats. I saved a telling interview with Bill Hancock, BCS Executive Director, done by Dan Patrick in the Nov. 30, 2009 issue of Sports Illustrated because his answers were so galling.

Dan Patrick: Which season finishes better-college football or college basketball?
Bill Hancock: College football wins in six overtimes.
DP: Why do you say that?
BH: Because so many teams celebrate at the end. So many teams have such great experiences with the bowl games. It's an awesome thing. We need to keep that.

Somehow these bowls have survived for decades despite featuring middle-of-the-road teams, fails to answer how rearranging the top tier bowls, the Orange, Fiesta, Rose and Sugar into semi-finals and a final would affect the lesser bowls. Thankfully, Dan Patrick stays on target...

DP: But we can keep the bowls. Why not have a Final Four where three of the bowls determine the national champion?
A very fair question, watch Bill Hancock respond with the kind of gibberish which makes you either question his very sanity or want to huff what he's huffing.

BH: You know, I hear you, Dan, but the fact is, the bowl experience would not be the same. Great example: We were in Miami [getting ready for the Orange Bowl] and a Virginia Tech player injured his ankle riding his riding a Jet Ski. [Another time in Miami] an NFL team came in for a playoff game. They arrived on Saturday night, had their dinner, got up the next morning, played and went home. We've got college students at the beach for a week riding Jet Skis in our bowl system; on the other hand, you've got these NFL players there for 11 hours, playing the game and going home. Our experience is a lifetime experience, and it's much better.

The current system of meaningless postgame exhibitions must be preserved because our players are riding Jet Skis! JET SKIS!!! If we had a playoff system there would be no jet skis. But Bill, what if I told you that under a playoff system these young men could be zipping along in SEA DOOS? Also, I don't think that the fine young men who took part in the recent Humanitarian Bowl in Boise, Idaho got to ride Jet Skis.

DP: If you had a playoff over the Christmas holidays (ed note, there is holidays should be singular, unless he is referring to Armenian Christmas), you could preserve the smaller bowls and make some of the other bowls more meaningful. And you'd own the month of December. Why not do that?
BH: The problem with a playoff is who, what, when, where.

Aggghhhh, my brain hurts, so many questions! Four questions! So difficult So, so fwustating. Ok, let's see. Who? The top eight times. What? Thee Album. When? Round 1, the weekend before Christmas. Round 2 aka the Final Four, the next weekend around New Year's. Round 3 aka the Final, the first Thursday of the year, same as the BCS Title Game. And look, no class time missed! Where? Use the current top tier bowls, the Orange, Fiesta, Rose and Sugar and rotate Rounds 2 and 3 amongst them. Use Round 1 to spread the wealth to some of the lesser bowls such as the Cotton, the Peach, the Holiday and the Gator. Or use the top tiers again in Round 1.
DP: Let's say Cincy goes undefeated (Or Boise State or Auburn a few years ago or any number of examples). What do you say to the Bearcats when they don't get to play for the national championship?
BH: I was the director of the Final Four for 13 years, and I would say to Cincinnati the same thing I always said to coaches who were left out of the tournament or got a bad seed: "You guys had a great season, and you're to be congratulated for it."
This is why I'm not a reporter, at this point in the interview I would have reached across the table and give him a wedgie or fart over the phone. This man is not to be taken seriously nor afforded any respect.
DP: Yeah, but you don't make it in a field of 65, you have yourself to blame. An undefeated team is not going to miss the tournament. If you have a team like Cincy or TCU go undefeated and not play for the title, that's a flawed system.
BH: The problem you have is, What kind of a playoff? If you have six undefeated teams and a four-team playoff, two teams are going to be very disappointed. I'm just not sure-no, I know-we wouldn't gain much by going to a playoff.

Strikes me as the kinda guy who woulda told Kennedy, "The Moon??? Man, that's really far. Ugh, no thanks, our handy interstate system means that I can get from Gary, Indiana to Chicago in about an hour! And, besides, there's no Jet Skis on the moon." As usual, follow the money. It's about short cheese versus long. They're making money now. They would make untold amounts more with a playoff system, but they're scared of risking the guaranteed yellow cheese product they have now even though there's gouda out there. And as usual, it's not about the student athletes, the kids at programs shut out of the Top Two who deserve a shot at eternal glory, it's about keeping money in the pockets of bowl sponsors. Frankly, it's gross. And Bill Hancock should be ashamed of the words he's uttered, Dan Patrick raised good point after good point, and rather than engage in an adult conversation, Hancock talks about Jet Skis. That's all we need to know about the BCS side of the argument.

Jim Carrey and Will Ferrell in Jimmy Tango's Fatbusters, a lost Saturday Night Live Classic

Yes, there was a time, a loooong time ago, when Jim Carrey was actually funny. And it's kinda touching to look back and see the genesis of Will Ferrell's act of yelling nonsense. A long lost classic reclaimed from the either.

Now, if only we could get our grubby mitts on Will Farrell's second skit as Robert Goulet, "reeed ships of Spaaaaaain."

White Bengal Sighting?

Much to coachie's and frowner's chagrin, the Cincinnati Bengals didn't feel like competing last night and waved the white flag so violently that they resembled cousins with recessive genes. While the Bengal defense played an extremely vanilla game -no blitzes or exotic looks, why were so many runs made up the middle in the first half? And why did no Cincy receiver beside Coles show up? Do they realize it'll be cold and unpleasant on the field for their rematch? And was there any doubt a matchup of a possession receiver and shutdown corner eight years his junior would be a mismatch?

My Top 10 Movies of the '00s

--As the decade comes to a close, I'll add my Top 10 Movies to the discussion (here, here, and here). I'll preface the list by clarifying that these are my 10 favorite movies, not necessarily the 10 best.

1. Memento - This movie blew my mind when I first saw it, and still entertains me on repeat viewings. I saw it with the MZA, and we spent the rest of the night talking about the movie, trying to make sense of it all. I was still making sense of it days later. Awesome movie. I almost dressed as Leonard for Halloween last year, but got lazy.

2. The Royal Tenenbaums - This movie was full of fantastic characters, wonderful sets, and hilarious moments. And despite the absurdity of it all, you couldn't help rooting for Royal. Earlier today, I was explaining why I don't want to see Avatar, saying that amazing visuals and perfectly-crafted fantasy worlds don't really do it for me. Star Wars and The Lord of the Rings thrill lots of people because the films present such fully realized versions of other worlds. Those movies never appeal to me. I find the world we live in plenty fascinating, and I guess my brain just doesn't have time for more universes. On the other hand, I love movies that present very similar worlds to our own, but do so with just enough fantasy/whimsy/weirdness that they present beautifully visual, fully realized, slightly different versions of our own world. That's how I feel about Tenenbaums. It takes place in an American city and involves 20th/21st century humans, but it clearly doesn't take place in the real world. The slightly different world is put together with such care and attention to detail that it gives me the same feeling of awe and enjoyment that others must get from the care and attention to detail that goes into crafting Tolkein's Middle-earth.

3. There Will Be Blood - This movie is largely defined by an amazing performance by Daniel Day-Lewis. The best performance of the decade, I think. That alone probably gets it onto this list for me, but I thought the whole movie was pretty much pitch-perfect. And unlike others, I really enjoyed the bizarre bowling alley scene at the end.

4. Juno - Bryan and I walked out of this movie, went to Standings, and raved about it to any Smadbeck in sight. Our thoughts at the time were that the movie was flawless in the sense that there was nothing we'd change about it. I don't know about Bryan, but I still feel that way.

5. Mulholland Dr. - I have a secret. As many people know, I'm a huge David Lynch fan. I've seen most of his films, and all episodes of Twin Peaks. Most people assume that I've always been a Lynch fan, but that's not true. While I'd heard things and assumed I'd like his movies, I'd never seen any until Mulholland Dr. It's still my favorite, which may be a result of it being my first. I think Mulholland strikes the perfect balance for a Lynch movie. Lynch first started exploring the multiple identity issue in Twin Peaks, went further with Lost Highway, even further with Mulholland Dr., and ultimately too far with Inland Empire (which I still enjoyed, but it went a little too far in the no discernible plot direction). To me, the strength of Lynch's movies are the vividness of the individual scenes. Scene for scene, I think Mulholland is his most vivid movie. There are so many scenes that just seem so memorable to me.

6. Little Miss Sunshine - Most comedies pack a lot of laughs up front, but then gradually get less funny as the film shifts focus to resolving the plot. Viewers are never given any reason to really care about the comic characters, so they don't have any reason to care about the plot resolution. Little Miss Sunshine is the opposite. It's funny throughout, but most of the early part of the film is spent getting the viewer to care about the characters and their interactions with each other. And the plot logically builds to a fall-out-of-your-seat hilarious conclusion (I actually did fall out of my seat) that's funnier in a deeper way because you actually feel like you know the characters.

7. Million Dollar Baby - I understand the criticisms, but I really loved this movie. The first half was like a female version of Rocky/Karate Kid. The second half was so impactful because the movie had made me really love the characters during the first half. And there were three great acting performances. I was a little choked up at the end; the movie totally suckered me in. Yes, some of it was cliche, and a lot of characters were too purely earnest or purely evil, but sometimes it's okay to play the sucker and just enjoy the movie.
It also helped that unlike most people, I hadn't read anything about the movie and had no idea what was going to happen. I imagine the movie's very different if you know exactly what's coming.

8. Synechdoche, New York - I loved this movie. I felt like I needed to rush out and tell people to see this movie. In response to Bryan's list, Coachie criticized Synecdoche, saying "a movie must tell a story." I disagree. Yes, most movies tell a story. And it's pretty hard to have a drama without a story. But, that's because it's really, really hard, not because it's a requirement. This movie says a lot and gives the viewer a lot to think about without a story. It's about life and art, and says a ton about both without a plot.

9. Anchorman - For me, it was the best pure comedy of the decade (by pure, I mean a comedy that's really only concerned about making viewers laugh). Pretty much non-stop laughs when I saw it in the theater (although it does slow down at the end like most pure comedies). Tons of quotable lines. It seemed like for the next 6 months, pretty much everyone I knew was quoting this movie.

10. Kill Bill: Vol. 1. - A late addition to this list, after watching part of it last night. I'm a huge Tarantino fan. Pulp Fiction is my favorite movie of all time. He hasn't come close to that level again, but this was a really enjoyable flick with great stylistic visuals. Watching it last night reminded me how much I enjoyed it the first time. I felt Vol. 2 didn't quite measure up.

Honorable Mention - City of God (late cut from my list - definitely would be in my top 10 best of the decade, but after honest reflection, I realized it hasn't stayed in my brain as much as the 10 films above. Maybe I need to see it again), Batman Returns, The Dark Knight, No Country for Old Men, Requiem for a Dream.

No Beer No Alcohol To Be Served at Jets-Bengals Giants Stadium Finale.

In a real fuck you to Jets fans, the New Jersey Sports & Exposition Authority, the entity that runs the Meadowlands Sports Complex, has announced that no beer or booze will be served at Sunday night's Jets-Bengals game, which will be the last at Giants Stadium.

That's right, been a season-ticket holder for decades? Fuck you. Can't afford your Personal Seat License for the new monstrosity so this Sunday is likely the last you'll see in person? Fuck you. Paid hundreds for a ticket? Fuck you.

Sure, you could booze beforehand, but there's still a FOUR-HOUR game to sit through. At night. And one that could be staggeringly heartbreaking for Gang Green fans. Lukewarm cocoa cannot mop up tears. Nor can a stale pretzel.

Well, an anonymous dump deserves an anonymous sendoff. Watch from home Jets fans.

Happy Footie New Year

Thought I'd share the image I made for EPL Talk.

Bay-esian Analysis

-----I guess one of us has to comment on the Jason Bay signing. I would have preferred Holliday and I think the contract is arguably a slight overpay, but it's a decent signing in isolation.

The problem is that even with Bay, the Mets probably aren't a good enough team to make the playoffs. Even if Reyes/Beltran/Johan are healthy, the Mets are around a .500 team with Bay. Adding Bengie Molina would add another win. Adding Molina & Pineiro gets them to 83-84 wins. They'd still be far behind the Phillies and a few wins behind the Braves. It's hard to get this team to a truly competitive point because there are so many holes. It's hard to win with a lineup that includes Castillo, Francouer, Murphy, and Molina and a rotation that includes Pelfrey, Maine, and Oliver Perez.

If I was in charge, I would have tried to prop up the team with stopgap solutions (like a one-year Nick Johnson deal) and avoided any long-term deals that could hurt the team down the road. Then, pour extra money into the draft and international signings. This time next year, we'll have a clearer idea about some of the strengths and weaknesses of the team, and there will be much more attractive free agents on the market.

Cold Canes Can't Cut It.

Jacory Harris getting his umpteenth pass deflected/knocked down.

Yes, Jacory Harris was banged up entering the game. And I suppose a 50-degree night can be considered 'brisk' for a team based in Miami. Maybe the great return of the opening kickoff and quick score gave the Canes a false sense of security. But Wisconsin, a prototypical Big Ten bruising team, just kept hitting Miami in the mouth and the Baby Canes in their lame-ass fiesta-style jerseys were powerless to stop them.

And maybe it's Sid Rosenberg inviting it, but the first caller I heard dropped a 'bull-****' on air regarding the Canes performance, and you can hear and feel the groundswell for Randy Shannon's head growing every year. At what point does his neutering program face accountability?

"Things just didn't happen our way," Shannon said. "I can't explain why."

Quotes like that don't help. One helluva leader.

Leave it to the pros, Billy.

Now which song better captures the spirit of Hurricanes football? The only saving grace I could think of for the hymn was that Corben produced it facetiously for his documentary, but he just should've given Uncle Luke another song to write.

And on that note, be sure to watch Tha U throttle a chump Big (11) Ten school -Wisconsin- in the Champs Sports Bowl tonight.

Hitting the Inside Straight

There's no other way to describe yesterday's events from a Jets perspective: the Colts folded with a pair of queens on the turn and Rex completed the straight on the river. If you're Jim Caldwell, why let Peyton break out the Manning face before the playoffs begin? And where was Vinny Testaverde warming up on the sidelines for Indy? Coulda signed him the day of the game and he would've done a better job than the absolutely mortified Curtis Painter.

RIP

SportsMachine was my way of seeing sports highlights without cable back in the day. Once the internet became ubiquitous I remember being shocked that the show was still STILL. In any case, RIP homey, hope the Machine is recapping events up above.
Plays of the year 2006

Al K.'s Top Movies of the 2000s

Continue Discussion

The Rich Get Richer

Yikes. Javier Vazquez to the Yankees for Melky and prospects. Vazquez is in final year of contract, getting paid a reasonable $11.5. Melky due ~$3 million in arbitration. Arodys Vizcaino has ace-potential, but is very far from the majors (he just turned 19). The other prospect is mediocre.

The Yanks rotation is now the best in baseball with Sabathia, Vazquez, Burnett, Pettitte, and Sabathia (assuming Hughes, not CC, winds up in the pen). Geez, the team is going to be really, really good this year. 105 wins? Melky is pretty much interchangeable with Brett Gardner, and since CF is filled, neither is really essential to the team. But, he's a decent cheap addition for the Braves, who could use some outfield depth while they're waiting for Schafer and Heyward to develop.

I'm reaching to find a negative spin for the Yanks, but Vazquez is a flyball pitcher, which is a bad fit for New Yankee Stadium.

Gorgeous Pictures of Old Yankee and Old Shea Stadiums

The Out-of-Town-Scoreboard, made obsolete for a time by B.O.O.T.S.

Phil Rizzuto, blowin shit up.

Not sure whom to credit, but it's from this thread, where many, many more senses-shattering shots of NYC in the 70s can be found.

Competitive Balance: An Issue in Baseball and the NBA. And, Vote for the Decade's Best NY Post Cover.

An astute New York Post reader named Ken Drexler, of North Woodmere, N.Y., offered his astute take on competitive balance in Sunday's letters section:
----
As of Friday, 16 out of 30 NBA teams were below .500. Ten of the 30 aren't even competitive, including both teams in the New York area, the biggest argument in the country. The argument that a league needs a salary cap to insure competitiveness finally has shown to be completely bogus. In the long run, it strangles competition. I think the NBA players union finally has gotten to a strong enough position to bargain to get their rights back and save the game. I sure hope they do, because watching professional sports without competition is pretty boring.
----
While we are up in New York Post, they are offering us readers the chance to vote for the decade's best front page. There is A LOT to choose from. First blush would be the weasels, but then there's "The Bimbo Summit," and Charlie Rangel passed out at a resort.

The Worst #1 Defense in NFL History

Have you ever seen a statistically dominant defense crumble on cue late in every big game? Week 2 against the Patriots seems like a long time ago. Defense looks downright Mangini-like.

There Were Movies This Decade

This list reads like the Anti-Oscars. I went back and looked over all the Academy Awards since 2000, and man, it’s just one woofer/snoozer after another. I didn’t see many of them. Gee, what a shame.

RAMBO- Based on my nonstop reactions in the theater, you could also call this movie “WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” or “OHHHHHHHHHHHH!” or “I SEE THAT THE THX SOUND WORKS VERY WELL IN THIS THEATER!” Loud bloody violence, surprisingly badass expendable mercenary sidekicks, and wondering what would happen first- Sly’s head expanding to the width of the screen, or his face falling off his skull. But wait, did I mention the violence? The finale is like the opening of Saving Private Ryan, but with one dude firing nine trillion huge caliber rounds from a jeep-mounted machine gun. Yes please. Also, if you thought Tiger Woods had a long driveway (topical!), stick around for the end credits when Rambo walks home. He may just be getting to the front door as I write this.

ANCHORMAN- “Funniest movie since Naked Gun,” I announced as I left the theater, and I stand by that. While the pure absurdity of the lines may not have the same effect on further viewings, you forget just how many absurd, fall-down-laughing lines there were. The supporting cast is fantastic- even the normally intolerable Vince Vaughn and the eye-gougingly grating Jack Black are perfect in (thankfully) small roles.

TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE- Sure, the puppets are hilarious, but the real strength of the movie is the soundtrack, with such gems as “Everyone Has AIDS”, “I’m So Ronery”, “Montage”, the unheralded “Pearl Harbor Sucks” (I missed you more than Michael Bay missed the mark/when he made Pearl Harbor/I miss you more than Ben Affleck needs acting school/he was terrible in that film), and of course, a thousand times of course, “America Fuck Yeah”. Fuck yeah. (Also, yes Bryan, MATT DAAAMON. And America’s greatest actor, Arec Bahhhhwin.)

INFERNAL AFFAIRS TRILOGY- Hey, America, here, watch The Departed, we dumbed down the original and gave it a tacked-on, crowd pleasing ending just for you guys! Well, thanks, Mr. Scorcese. The Hong Kong original remains perhaps the only foreign language movie I’ve ever seen in which I can appreciate the acting despite not understanding a single word. Andy Lau (my man) and Tony Leung are tremendous, the rooftop showdown makes the movie, the ending is perfect (and totally unexpected). The following prequel was solid but a bit lacking since we knew what would happen, but part 3, as a direct sequel to the original, was nearly as engaging as the first and unlike most sequels, actually advanced the story and tied up the loose ends.

GANGS OF NEW YORK- It’s sheer bloat definitely hurts its rewatchability, but I remember seeing this in theaters and being blown away by Daniel Day-Lewis’ performance as Bill the Butcher. It’s also the movie that- to my surprise- made me appreciate Leo DiCaprio as more than “the kid from the end of Growing Pains”. Also, it’s impressively violent. That cannot be overlooked. The only downside- and it’s a big one- is Cameron Diaz’ atrocious performance as whoever. Man, she was terrible.
(Postscript: One of many reasons the Oscars are hogwash- the travesty of Daniel Day-Lewis losing Best Actor to Adrien Brody (slapping forehead). This was as bad as Jack Nicholson not being nominated for Batman. But guess who won that year? Daniel Day-Lewis. So, um, evens out?)
(Post-postscript- No, it doesn’t. remember, we’re talking Adrien Brody. He is bad. At acting.)

IDIOCRACY- Inspired, ah, idiocy. When you hear “electrolytes”, how can you now think of anything but Brawndo (what plants crave)? When Obama makes a speech, don’t you wish it had the showmanship of President of America Hector Camacho’s opening line “I know shit's bad right now with all that starvin' bullshit.” If the Oscar-winning movie-mentioned-in-the-movie (Ass) existed, I know some people who would have put it on their all-decade list. The scary thing is, are we really all that far away from some of this stupidity?

SHAOLIN SOCCER- The comedic sensibilities of Stephen Chow- and of Hong Kong films as a whole- don’t really translate to an American audience, but if the humor is couched in the universal language of the underdog sports movie, it works like a charm. The cast shows a great gift for physical comedy and comedic timing, and the sports scenes turn the clichés of the genre on their head. Fun times all around.

ONCE UPON A TIME IN MEXICO- Who’da thunk Robert Rodriguez could top Desperado? He left it in the dust with this completely over-the-top (in all ways) sequel. A great cast of overactors (Banderas, Dafoe, Depp, Rourke) service a ludicrously complex plot that, in turn, leads to more and more crazy shooting, and that is what’s important. Enrique Iglesias as a moody badass? If you can get me to buy that, you’ve done something right.

SIMPSONS MOVIE- Sure, I’m still an unabashed Simpsons fan. I don’t pretend that it’s anywhere near what it was 15 years ago, but it’s like comfort food, and it’s still more entertaining than at least 75% of the garbage on TV today. The movie’s gorgeous animation was like a breath of fresh air, and many of the gags (such as the fake Simpsons-looking family arrested in the convenience store) hearkened back to the good old days. The writers could have coasted to easy jokes and just relied upon built-in Simpsons loyalty, but they didn’t, and this movie was way better than most (myself included) expected.

BORAT/BRUNO- I don’t necessarily find these rewatchable, but that’s only because the nature of the movies (guerilla comedy), not because of the content. Any cringeworthiness is more than outweighed by the absurdity of the questions and the situations. Ali G is a genius.


FIVE WORST

Eviscerating movies is WAY more fun.

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: AT WORLD’S END- The first one was surprisingly entertaining. Then we saw it again disguised as a sequel. Aaaand then we saw both again, plus an extra hour of padding, plus 8000 supporting characters and way too much Orlando Bloom in the super-tedious, super-loud part 3.

TRANSFORMERS- It’s called “Transformers”. Not “Some Lame Transformers, Sometimes, But Mostly Humans.” And what annoying humans at that. Shia LaBoo shows up to ruin yet another movie (see next entry). Every scene can be summed up thusly: “What just happened?”

INDIANA JONES AND WHATEVER- The only time I have ever booed at the screen in a theater (during the feature, that is- previews are fair game). The only time I have smacked my head in disgust in a theater. The only time I have yelled at the screen “No! NOOO!” (that was either at the CGI monkeys, or at the big reveal). In case you didn’t hear- it was aliens. Their treasure was knowledge. Bite me.

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE: AI- OK, this was actually the first time I booed at the screen during the feature. Must have blocked out the memory, because I was digging the movie until- well, if you saw the movie, you know where, because you hated it too. Come on, you know… yup, when the aliens showed up. Wait… Spielberg took over after Kubrick died and suddenly there were aliens… see previous entry. All that needs to be said is that we got up after 2 hours, thinking the movie had come to its logical, satisfying ending- and then we were subjected to another half hour of schmaltzy nonsense.

THE HANGOVER- Oh, I’m sorry, I had to mindlessly like it because it was so cool? This movie sucked. Hard, largely because it fell so far from it’s (inexplicably) ;lofty reviews. Fat guy not funny just because he has a beard. Asian guy not funny just because he’s Asian and curses. Bachelor party unfolding in real life: likely entertaining. Watching a bachelor party unfold on screen, with ten times the contrived wackiness (fat guy and tiger! Fat guy and baby! Fat guy in underwear! Vegas wedding! Ruh roh!): not necessarily hilarious. More like interminable.

Oh, I’ve got more. I dare you to ask for more.